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Nashville Recap: All the People Who Died

Characters you want to see dead on Nashville are like whack-a-moles: You knock two down, and two more pop up. Still, major progress last night! Lamar is dead — and they didn’t even bother making it a cliff-hanger. The preview for next week was all: Yeah, he’s dead.

So in the spirit of sharing is caring, I offer up this scene to the Nashville writers, completely gratis.

Exterior. Nighttime, on the outskirts of town, a small but achingly authentic honky-tonk bar. The crowd spills out into the inky night. The kindly proprietor is about to lock up when ...

Zoey: Oh, wait! I left my sweater inside!
Tandy: What a coincidence, as I, too, left my sweater inside!
Megan: I shall accompany you ladies on your sweater-finding expedition!
Layla:
Why am I in this scene? Oh well, may as well go into this bar that’s about to blow up.

KABOOM!!!

And ... scene.

(Just a suggestion.)

So can we talk about the Lamar death scene? Was this supposed to be some sort of referendum on Teddy’s soul, not unlike the famous scene from Breaking Bad where Walter coldly watches Jesse’s girlfriend OD and does nothing to save her? 'Cause if so, you’re doing it wrong, Nashville. First of all, it wasn’t like Lamar was hanging off the edge of a building, fingers clutching for dear life. (“For God’s sake man, pull me up!”) Dude had a heart attack. Was Teddy supposed  ... to give CPR? Perform impromptu heart surgery? Okay, yes, he could’ve called 911. But what’s the point? The writers clearly wanted Lamar dead.

(Oh, and here’s a guess: Despite the fact that when Rayna confronted him on the matter, Lamar just sat there slack-jawed, not defending himself, I believe that Lamar, in fact, wasn’t responsible for the hit on Teddy. This will lead to a major guilt trip for Rayna and possible meth use — okay, maybe not that last part. But don’t rule it out.)

Here’s the annoying news of the day: If Nashville does decide to use my little scene, I swear Megan will emerge from the smoking ruins, brush some soot off her power suit, and say, “Where’s Deacon?” Because Megan refuses to die — metaphorically, at least. We thought we were done with her a few weeks back when Deacon had writer’s block and was so rude to her and she was all, “That is sooo rude.” But then came the confession that he couldn’t write songs because he was just so incredibly happy. With Megan. Last night, everything was going according to plan. Teddy poured his heart out to Megan, she reached for his hand, as lawyers do, and Deacon walked in on them! His own Megan, hand-consorting with the enemy! If that’s not grounds for a breakup, I don’t know what is! But then, well, crap. Megan shows up at the Bluebird later and he sings a love song to her! Talk about rude.

There was one scene last night where I learned so much about Juliette and Avery, it was almost too much to process all at once. He likes Fellini films? He has no toaster? She thinks microwaving bread = toast? My head was spinning. So yeah, Juliette was holed up at Avery’s place, hiding from the world, making faux toast (with a thoughtful side of banana!), and buying him lots of “foofy” (according to him) and “unisex” (according to her) throw pillows. I wasn’t digging this clingy, insecure, apron-wearing Juliette at all. Bring back our favorite blonde hobbit from the Planet Fierce, please!

But then, Avery dropped some knowledge on her worthy of Jaden Smith’s Twitter feed: “Just because you close your eyes doesn’t mean you’re invisible.” True, dude. So very, very true.  That’s enough to get her out of the house and into the Bluebird. I was so hoping she’d show up in her black-wigged “disguise” from a couple of weeks ago but, alas, she’s just Dressed-Down Barbie this time, in jeans and a hoodie. Also, Deacon took time away from eye-sexing with Megan (Nancy Kerrigan voice: “Whyyyyy?”) to tell those crazy kids he approves of their relationship. Mazel.

If anyone who ever tweeted “I wish Lamar would just die!!” (followed by some sort of knife-in-throat emoji) suddenly has a slight case of the guilts, Will knows how you feel. He told Jeff Fordham that Brent made him “feel uncomfortable” and then Jeff, stellar human being that he is, turned around and fired Brent. And yes, I believe that Will didn’t actually want Brent to get fired, but he hardly seemed broken up about it. If last night’s episode was a referendum on the evil deeds of our leading men: Will getting Brent fired > Teddy not performing emergency life-saving heart surgery on Lamar?

Okay, I suppose I’ve delayed this conversation long enough: What on earth was up with everyone’s hair on last night’s show? When Zoey first walked through Gunnar’s apartment, I literally didn’t recognize her. I thought: Is Gunnar cheating on Zoey? I mean, I guess straightening her hair and giving her blue eye-shadow and some vague aspiration to be a backup singer is an attempt to give Zoey a “personality.” But is the show completely clueless to the fact that there’s something a bit loaded about a woman of color straightening her hair? Are they going to address it? Because if Zoey is trying to make herself less “ethnic” to fit into Nashville’s music scene, that might actually be kinda interesting. (That’s got to be it, right?)  As for Gunnar? All we got was his patented head-scratching life is so confusing to me look, followed by his one-word summation: “weird.” Anyway, just as I was recovering from the shock of Zoey’s hair, Tandy up and got a haircut mid-episode. Who does that? You get a new haircut (and a strangely immobile forehead) between seasons or maybe after a long hiatus. Not during the commercial break! Also, it made no sense, character-wise. Like, she’s all broken up because her father just got out of prison and she thinks he’s a heartless crook who killed her mother and will destroy anything in his path, but ... Wow, the J.Law bob would look so fetch on me!

And damn it, the next episode looks gloriously cheesy and juicy and perfect with Liam kissing our little speed queen Scarlett (I’m on board because I basically approve of Liam kissing anyone) and Juliette going through some sort of goth phase and Rayna throwing things, diva-style. And it won’t be on until February 26?!? Aww, man, the Olympics ruin everything. I mean, uh, go Team USA.

Photo: Mark Levine/ABC