The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Hola, it’s me, Joyce! I wanted to be the one to tell you about our trip to Puerto Rico because I invited Kyle only, but then, one by one, she invited EVERYONE, and I’m trying to be gracious because I love my island! But my father just died and I wish I didn’t have to deal with this many people because ay dios mio, the YELLING and the YELLING!
First, everyone has to pack — you know us girls with our luggage, right? I pack everything — the dress, the hanger, anything that is not nailed down, because you never know what you need when you are traveling! I was Miss Puerto Rico TWO TIMES, okay, TWO TIMES, so I have to be prepared to be beautiful always. Lisa tried to pack her little dog, the one that sits very still and wears human clothes and is depressed like a teenager? And Kim tried to pack herself into a suitcase because she is CRAZY, that one! Kim tried to speak in Spanish and said, “The people here, is love of boys, the boys, with the garlic, the water below for, you know, the water.” Her eyes spin around like cartoons sometimes and I worry about her brain, but she tries so hard to seem normal and no one ever comments about her crazy-looking face or the fact that she grits her teeth very hard, so she must be fine! Kyle’s children stole all of her bikinis so I hope she does not show up naked to the pool, right? The Richards sisters are crazy!
I made sure to tell everyone at the airport that my father had just died, but NO PRESSURE, you guys — I just want everyone to have fun, and know that while you are having fun my father is being embalmed and lowered into the ground forever. But NO PRESSURE, okay? Lisa said, “we all grieve differently” but then Kyle said “Vámonos!” That’s the spirit! Please forget about my father, because he is very dead and we are going to Puerto Rico!
When we arrived, there was paparazzi — of course there was paparazzi! I was Miss Puerto Rico TWO TIMES, okay, TWO TIMES, and this is my home. Welcome! Brandi is already having a bad time because she feels that Lisa puts her nose in everything and then walks away and denies her involvement, and she also does not enjoy Scheana being pushed on her all the time. Lisa does not like her room at Las Casitas Village because for the first time in decades, she might see her husband poop, but do you hear that sound? That is the sound of the coqui, our national frog, and it is mating season! So enough about Brandi and Ken and Ken’s poop, okay? There are fountains and coqui and drinks!
Yolanda, who is very stylish and very rich, is surprised that the dynamics of the group have changed. Since the day I met these girls, this one is not talking to that one and that one is mad at this one — these are their dynamics, right? Always fighting! Brandi is still upset that Lisa is not calling her in the morning, but listen to me — do not call my house in the morning if you want to be my friend, right? Because I am with my children and my husband and I will NOT speak to you while I am with my children and my husband. Yolanda says that you can’t knock down your friends on their way to success, but you can knock them down on their way to the stage for their talent competition so that maybe they fall on their face and their tooth comes out, right, Veronica? I am kidding! I did not win BOTH of my trophies and crowns that way! Yolanda does not trust Lisa because she never has anything nice to say about Kyle but is suddenly very friendly with her, and Yolanda will tell Lisa about this Hollywood friendship tomorrow, this is her vow! I believe her, because she does not need friends when she has that much money. We are lucky to be her friends! Even though she always sends us home with 25 pounds of lemons from her private lemon grove. When Yolanda gives you lemons, you make lemonade and keep your damn mouth shut, right? She almost choked that trainer to death right before our eyes, so I will take her lemons forever!
Good morning! Everyone is enjoying guava juice by the pool and eating an egg dish. I tell the girls that these eggs normally have cheese, but I told the chef NO CHEESE because these Beverly Hills girls will not eat so much dairy so early in the morning! I am kidding! I am also leaving, because my father is still dead and I am going to spend the day with my family. But I scheduled a ferry for everyon,e and Kim knows how to ask for Coca-Cola in Spanish, so they will be fine even though none of them are speaking to each other!
Everyone loves my island! They are drinking drinks from giant fruit right away, even though Brandi asks for hers without alcohol because she is working up her nerve to talk to Lisa. Brandi is drunk always! She has to have alcohol in her body or else she will go into shock like that Amy Winehouse! Don’t worry — there was rum in the eggs, it’s our national drink! Lisa stood like a pink goddess while everyone else went for a swim. She has to protect her skin because she is from England and pale like Casper the Ghost, right? Do not blame Puerto Rico if you burn up like a torch, Lisa! Yolanda came out of the sea like a mermaid to move Lisa into the shade, and then started telling her about her problems. But she did not talk about herself, she said, “Brandi is frustrated because you are close to Kyle now!” Lisa called her ridiculous, and then Yolanda said, “If you make a statement about someone’s husband, back it up, and if you change your mind, ask for forgiveness.” Let me tell you something — if you talk negatively about my husband, DO NOT ask me for forgiveness, because you will not get it! I will be polite to you because my face falls into a natural smile from all of my years of pageants, but my eyes will be DAGGERS, okay? Daggers pointed at your face!
Brandi came over and said, “You call Kyle in the morning now!” and Lisa said, “I always comfort you!” and Brandi said, “You have not checked in on me!” Brandi, you cannot have it both ways! You always say to Lisa, “Do not mother me,” but when she does not mother you, you cry and cry! Kyle and Kim showed up, but Lisa left crying. They did not even go to check on her! Yolanda only said, “See? She walks away” and then they all sat in a circle talking about her like the girls in my high school who used to call me names! Brandi is frustrated because she didn’t even get to say what she wanted to say, but Lisa is crying to Ken about the mean girls and she wants to leave. Brandi tells Kyle that when we took our trip to Palm Springs, she had those tabloids about Mauricio cheating on Kyle (sign of the cross) at her house and Lisa tried to put them in Brandi’s luggage! This is what they are fighting about! I once saw a man have his throat cut open and his tongue pulled through the cut like a necktie because he touched the butt of one of the girls in the pageant, but these girls, they fight about magazines, right? It’s crazy!
Poor Kyle feels like she has a knife in her chest and she feels like an idiot for trying to repair her friendship with Lisa, and poor Lisa is busy crying in the direction of the sea. That is my favorite pastime — I scheduled sea-crying for day two, but Lisa beat me to it! Brandi thinks that Lisa is not done punishing her for some reason, and Yolanda said something else about standing up for your friends, but all of these women are letting Lisa cry by herself! When Yolanda goes over to Lisa, Ken asked her why did she even have to bring this up, and then Ken started yelling! You do not yell at Yolanda — she almost killed that man who broke into her house! Instead, she made Lisa feel bad by saying she was 55 instead of 52, and then Yolanda left. They are very lucky Yolanda did not kill them with her Dutch hands!
I was having a beautiful time with my family while these crazy people were yelling on one of our beautiful beaches. I love my family! When I am with them I am Joycita, their baby, who won Miss Puerto Rico TWO TIMES, okay, TWO TIMES. My cousins are there, my mother is there — I love my mother, we talk on the phone three times a day, and I wish she would move to California with me! She is sad even though she and my father (sign of the cross) got divorced when I was very young, so we just petted each other and cried a lot. We are at peace, and I am very happy I had a chance to see my father, because his last words were “Go, I’m happy.” I wish his last words were “Don’t bring those crazy girls to my island!” I’m kidding! He is in heaven watching me and taking care of me. We were having a great time until my mom said that she was going to die one day too, and I burst into tears at the thought of it! Mom, you are my hero and my inspiration, but your timing is terrible, mama!
Back on the beach, Mauricio is hearing the story of the magazines from Kim and he is VERY UPSET, okay? You do not stir shit up at his expense, and if you do, he will call you a “fuckin’ bitch!” Lisa thinks Brandi is looking for trouble because she has had trouble with every girl, and she might be right! Maurice went over to where Kyle, Ken, and Lisa were sitting and said hey, is this true? Ken said “Brandi is a fucking liar” and then said all of the women are mad because Lisa is the perfect woman! Ken, I will not let you tell that lie in my hometown, okay, because I am here and I have won the title of Miss Puerto Rico TWO TIMES, okay, TWO TIMES, so I am also very perfect! Lisa says she has voiced her opinion about tabloids vociferously, so of course it is a lie. I do not know what vociferously means, but it sounds very nasty! Kyle is crying and Mauricio is very confused about who his real friends are so it is just another Tuesday, right? That is how I feel around these women always, Mauricio and Kyle! Welcome to my world!
Finally, we get to eat dinner! Everyone looks fantastic even though everyone is mad at each other. On the bus to dinner, Lisa and Brandi fight about this Scheana person, and Brandi says that Lisa has been friends with this Scheana for a very long time, because she did some digging and found out they are “thick as thieves,” which does not sound like friends to me! It sounds like thieves! Ken yells “This is bullshit, this is a fucking stupid row!” which worries me because I do not need a heart attack to happen on this bus, right? Brandi kept rolling her eyes like she was having a stroke and then said that Lisa was capitalizing on her heartbreak! I said hey, hey, it feels heavy in this bus! Brandi said that she was under Lisa’s spell, and for the first time, I thank my lucky stars that Carlton is not on this trip, because she would put a spell on us for real! Remember my husband got diarrhea that time? She is a witch for real — a witch of the butt! Kyle just smirked in the back of the bus while they were fighting because I think she really loves this friction between Brandi and Lisa, which makes me feel bad in my heart.
We tried to have a nice dinner — Mauricio made a very funny joke about stealing the lime from the margarita, we had lobster cocktails, everything was going very well! And then Kyle said out loud, “I have so much anxiety.” Kyle, who are you talking to, Kyle? No one is listening to your anxiety because we are trying to have a good time after a day of yelling at each other and crying about our dead fathers, okay? But Kyle likes to be the center of attention, and I can say that even though she is my friend, because she keeps hemming and hawing about her anxiety until she finally says, “I want to know the truth about the tabloids.” Ay dios mio, the magazines still? Yolanda said that Kyle has accepted some dysfunctional behavior from Lisa but I am feeling very dysfunctional behavior at this dinner table!
Ken is very angry and calls this a “sabotage attack!” He thinks the other four girls planned it, but Ken, they cannot plan their way out of a Burger King, okay? Ken yelled at Kyle and Yolanda said hey, Ken, why are you involved? Ken told her not to be stupid, and Yolanda said, “I will cut your family apart with nail clippers, okay!” She said that with her eyes, not with her voice, but I believe she will do it! Brandi asked Lisa if she moved the magazine into her luggage, and Kim said “answer the question” like she was a robot in one of her Disney movies, but then she yelled at Ken when he told her to move out of the way! She said, “I’m tired of your goddamn mouth! You’re a big stubborn old man!” Ken yelled “Why weren’t you at my daughter’s wedding!” and Kim yelled, “I was moving into a new house!” They are not yelling about these magazines, okay? Kim and Ken need to go to therapy together, I think!
Ken and Lisa leave because they feel like they are being set up. My dinner is not going very well, right? I just keep looking at everyone with my big eyes because they do this everywhere we go — the golf club, shopping on Rodeo Drive, at parties, at their houses, they are always yelling! I do not think these people want to be friends, but we all signed that contract from Andy Cohen, so now we have to always be together, pretending!
When they were out on the street waiting for the bus to return, Ken asked if Kim was drinking again, because she was acting like a maniac, and Lisa said, “Do not say that!” Ken must not know that, you cannot mention Kim’s alcoholism — it is like saying Beetlejuice! Even I know that, and I have only spent time with these people for a couple of months. Back at the table, my husband said that they were asking legitimate questions, but it did feel like an ambush. He is so smart, I love him so much!
When they got back to Las Casitas Village, Ken and Lisa toasted to each other and then smoked a cigarette while Lisa cried around her fake eyelashes. This is very sad! You should not smoke because it makes your teeth and skin look terrible, like Veronica after her “accident,” right? Lisa is sad because she has defended Brandi, but then she called Brandi a dog and said that the dog bit her! Let me tell you something — if you ever call me a dog, I will bite you, too, but I will bite you with silence, because I will never speak to you again while our hearts still beat!
Next week will be very sad — we are leaving my home, but not before Brandi and Kim defile one of my nation’s public fountains! Everyone is crying about their children leaving for college, and Lisa cries to Carlton about the girls ganging up on her. Thank you for sharing my beautiful Puerto Rico!