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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Planting Seeds

I wish I could give this week more stars, but the tide is turning and my stomach is turning right along with it. This Brandi/Kyle alliance is giving me the creeps.

Yolanda visits Mohamed of the Mermaid Party Mohameds to see if they can plan a combination going away/graduation party for their daughter Gigi. Yo goes out of her way to prove that she and her ex are still totally cool, and I fucking believe her already. I once stopped talking to a guy for merely suggesting we watch The Notebook, but she is so tight with her ex-husband, she can casually drop by and interrupt a romantic garden breakfast he’s having with his girlfriend, Shiva. You win! Everyone sat around smelling bread and not eating anything, and they questioned Lisa for daring to have a party on the same night as David Foster’s daughter’s wedding. David Foster’s daughter’s wedding waits for no one! The space-time continuum is more delicate in Beverly Hills, and the concept of two things happening on the same night is apparently enough to decimate a friendship, but Yo and Mohamed took their mind off of Lisa by conning his girlfriend into planning the entire party and doing all of the cooking for it. Teamwork!

Kyle and Maurice had a supervised visit with a basketball net and it felt like a bad blind date. Kyle shouted “I’m outside!” but I couldn’t tell if she was referencing the dreadful shot she attempted or if she was checking in with her handler to let them know where she was. They whispered their daughter Alexa’s name and she appeared like Hecubus, spouting off a rapid-fire list of every lesson in morality she’d ever been taught, like being responsible and making good choices and calling if anything happens and being smart and having no regrets and TAKE A KNEE, ALEXA,WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING YET. It turns out she just wants to get away for a weekend with her friends, phew! Maurice is fine to let her have some responsibility, but Kyle starts shaking like a Chihuahua at the thought of someone in her house doing anything she can’t control.

They’ve been invited to witness Joyce’s Queen of the Universe pageant in Puerto Rico, but Carlton has uninvited them from her upcoming party. Well, Kyle is uninvited — and Maurice is still on the list! Of course Kyle tries to play it off like she didn’t want to go anyway, and then she literally took her ball and went home like the baby she is.

Carlton is throwing a party to celebrate money, specifically, the copious amounts of money her husband has made in a family business named after a village in Game of Thrones. She made sure everything happened in groups of four — servers, bartenders, greeters — and then slimed a ring around the perimeter of the building with her vajuices to ensure more bags of money would drop into their life immediately.

Elsewhere, Joyce decides to work out with THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE and a trainer named Rob. She’s there for moral support, but has no problem asking THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE if she can leave her behind in order to run faster. She did some lunges and played with the snaky ropes while telling us that she used to be so poor, she sung to turkeys and milked cows. Every paragraph about Joyce is a children’s book waiting to happen.

David Foster of the Amphibious Fosters took his paternalistic condescension to its logical conclusion by helping Yo with her homework and quizzing her for the citizenship test. Yo, resplendent in turquoise, persevered through her Lyme disease-riddled brain and remembered a lot, employing pneumonic devices to remember the speaker of the house (“The Dutch word for leg is been … Boehner!”), the difference between a cold war and a warm war. She passes the test, and we’re lucky to have her. USA! USA! I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t pass this test and I feel terrible for taking America for granted on a daily basis, but I’m also black and a woman in a racist, misogynistic country, so I’m fine with forgetting who signed the Declaration of Independence every once in a while. YO MAMA SIGNED IT — give me my reparations in the form of 40 Idris Elbas and a Moscow mule, please.

Lisa and Ken skipped to the front of the line to get into Carlton’s party, which was mostly boring. Ken, fully primed for women to throw their lips at him wherever he goes now, just sort of leeeeeaned into Carlton while Lisa tried to convince her that she was overreacting about the star tattoo. Carlton brushes her off by crying and making a correlation between the apartheid and being Jewish that no amount of flash cards with David Foster could make me understand. She’s also worried that Kyle calling her anti-Semitic will ruin the family business because their clients are predominantly Jewish! Just so I’m clear: Jangling your thong-covered bones around your mother-in-law’s lap at a Hustler store and objectifying pole dancers at a pool party is GOOD FOR BUSINESS, but someone making a dumb remark about your melted candlewax tattoo at a party cloaked in darkness is BAD FOR BUSINESS? Got it. Don’t worry — Will Smith’s ex-wife is at this party! The business is saved.

Carlton sobbed and asked, “How do you have such hate for another human being for no reason?” I don’t know, man — maybe look in the mirror and ask yourself the same question. At best you’ll understand that you are a hypocrite (though a very entertaining one), and at worst you’ll conjure the spirit of the Candyman and Bloody Mary for a ghoulish threesome.

Kim was on her way into the party as Lisa and Ken were on their way out, and they had an awkward exchange of fake accents and thinly veiled contempt. It’s just nice to see Kim out of her house instead of rubbing picture frames and talking to ghosts, right? They literally push Kim into the party and Brandi takes up the babysitting stick even though her tongue is swollen and she can’t speak. Is Brandi a Seventh Day Adventist? Why doesn’t this bitch ever go to a doctor? They reminisced about the old days when Kim thought Brandi was a “slut pig” and Brandi wished Kim would die, but their status as “old single mothers” and deep skepticism of Lisa is bringing them together. Brandi is pissed that Lisa tried to get her to congratulate Scheana on her marriage since they both “shared her husband’s penis for a hot fucking second,” and Kim is pissed that butterflies don’t grow human legs and walk the earth among us.

Speaking of Lisa, she’s getting ready for a photo shoot at her house, which is supposed to feel special but just looks like any old Monday. She’s covered in jewels, forcing a visibly tired Rocio to get tea, and Stassi is there because she’s interested in becoming a stylist. It was all very boring until someone said Giggy looked grumpy. What?! That dog is a lump of fur that can barely walk — there’s no way you can decipher moods and emotions in his cute face! Now Stassi was grumpy — she looked crestfallen when Lisa told her she had just given away a bunch of dresses to charity, and no amount of reminding her of the plight of others would fix her face.

Finally, Kyle and Brandi went for a hike, and you bet your ass it was exhausting before they even took one step. Brandi’s throat and face are now swollen, but don’t worry, she’s applying a poultice of tar, quinine, and sarsaparilla to the soles of her feet so this demon should shake her loose before the next new moon! Kyle brags that she’s the picture of health, having worked with a trainer before this hike, which is reason enough to push her off the hill and get away with it in at least nine states. Brandi invites herself on the Puerto Rico trip (which promises to be a shitshow) but the REAL reason they’re dragging their carcasses up this dirt mound is Lisa, and how Brandi is feeling manipulated by her. Brandi wanted to know how Kyle moved forward after Lisa said such awful things about Maurice, and Kyle honestly told her that she didn’t — even though they talk, they’re still not close. Brandi ran down her list of the ways she feels Lisa has messed with her, including the hilarious “I wanted to feel special for a fancy lady!” line, and Kyle pulled a biscuit out of her shorts and sopped it up. Oh, the rays of smugness surrounded her body like Thundershirt as she calmly told Brandi that Lisa will never change, that she paid a big price for being honest about Lisa, and Lisa is absolutely playing them like chess pieces.

Of course Lisa is fucking with you guys! She’s chosen to mess with the lives of everyone around her instead of retiring because she’s richer and smarter than everyone she hangs out with. If she could, Lisa would hunt you — just hanging out of the side of a helicopter with a rifle in one hand and Giggy in the other, mowing down starlets and has-beens with glee. Brandi is gearing up for a confrontation, and I’m pretty sure Lisa’s going to give her one.

What do you think? Has Brandi been manipulated by Lisa? Can she really trust Kyle? Has anyone checked to make sure Kim’s outlet covers and safety ladders are in place? See you next week.

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