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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Turn That Crown Upside Down

Is everyone okay? No one was hit with hate-rays from Carlton’s crystal tits? Lisa could certainly use some healing light, because this week, everyone turns on her.

Carlton took Yolo to her favorite spirit shop, Objets d’Art & Spirits, which is either a chakra-recharging station or a package store. She needed to bring in her burnt-up candles to see if she was fully cleansed or to find out if Khaleesi was going to give her a dragon or something. I’m not saying Wicca isn’t real — we all stole Drawing Down the Moon from the public library in eighth grade and read it while listening to Peter Murphy — I’m just saying I take it a little less seriously from a millionaire Real Doll come to life. I love Carlton, but she’s full of shit, which was evident when her eyes darted around the store while she was telling Yolo the foundation of her belief system, which amounted to a string of words (crystals, empowerment, women, candles) that didn’t mean anything.

Carlton is sick of being judged, and that’s supposed to explain why she went off the rails about the anti-Semitic comment Kyle made 45 years ago instead of laughing it off and calling Kyle a dummy. Yolo just sort of nods, buys some stuff just in case, and they both leave the store without commenting on the muslin satchel with Barack Obama’s face and the word believe screen-printed on it. Carlton is standing in her goddess power, leave her alone!

Meanwhile, Kyle and Joyce are drinking tea, recounting the fight Kyle and Carlton had at the party, and talking about Kyle’s newly haunted computer. You see, it USED to have a background photo of her perfect, raven-haired family watching Kyle rub one out to her own image in front of a mirror, but NOW it shows the words bigot, travesty, wraith, and larva, which is either a spell cast by Carlton or the names girls in full headdresses decide to call themselves when they show up at Bonnaroo. Kyle has pictures, she can prove it! She’s done being friendly, but she does want peace, and decides to be the bigger person by insisting everyone should come to Puerto Rico except Carlton. Way to put on your big girl pants, Kyle — it’s not even your trip! She told Joyce that she invited Brandi, and Joyce’s eyes spun around in her head like a hypnotist’s spiral, then she threw her arms up in the air, twirled around, and invited all of America to Puerto Rico and said, “I’m okay, is she okay?” over and over until her nurse came to put her down for a nap.

Brandi is dressed like an Olympic skeleton athlete when Kim meets her for a pre-Puerto Rico tan at a place called Glow Skincare. We talk entirely too much about skin in this country, and I swear to God if I ever see yours glowing, I’m taking you to a goddamn ER. Kim’s daughter is moving in with her boyfriend, so she can’t go to Gigi’s graduation party because she’ll be too busy thanking, Yahweh, Kal-El, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster that her kids all seem to have turned out alright. She’s excited! It’s a new chapter for everyone! Her kids’ new chapters include college and building lives with their partners, and Kim’s next chapter involves an unruly pitbull crushing her femur in its jaw. But very exciting and new! Brandi tells Kim she’s intimidated by Lisa because she heard rumors Lisa had Cedric, her former friend-slash-servant, deported after their fall out. What does she think Lisa is going to do to her? Her husband already cheated on her, her dog might have been eaten by a coyote, and she’s constantly saying she’s broke — Brandi is a country song come to life, and Lisa can’t do more damage than Brandi has already done herself.

Kim lapsed into a fake British accent to talk about Lisa being a horrible friend, and then the Millionaire Matchmaker’s sister came out to tell them their options for tanning, one of which was disposable underwear. I don’t tan — I’m a light-skinned black woman with freckles, so there’s no need to add fuel to that fire — but the fact that we haven’t cured cancer but have developed throwaway chonies seems like a waste of precious brilliance. Brandi went in naked from the waist up and Kim just wandered in wearing her own underwear, proclaiming she wanted to be dark, but not dark dark. Do not set the machine to “negro” under any circumstances! She grabbed the hose and jumped around like a hyperactive puppy, tried to figure out the difference between Puerto Rico and Puerto Vallarta out loud for a few minutes, and then collapsed into a quiet heap of desperation, also known as her resting state.

Yolanda dared to show up to Mohamed’s house in sneakers and Taylor Dayne’s orange genie-pants onesie from 1988, and somehow he focused on the sneakers. Everyone is very excited for Gigi’s party! They’re stuffing chickens and picking cucumbers and having a grand ol’ time. David showed up and everyone tried to figure out his relation to Mohamed (other than lowdown dirty frogman currently boning his ex-wife), and then Yolanda made a big deal out of the fact that David complimented her outfit instead of telling her she looked weird. Then David “Always Classy” Foster said, “That’s why you’re not married anymore” in a way that was wayyyyyy less jokey than it should have been. Mohamed said, “Thank God,” and made a mental note to start bankrupting David right away. Gigi showed up and told Yolo she looked like a basketball wife, and Yolo, missing the joke completely, said, “But I’m a musician’s wife.” Never change, Yolo.

Brandi, who has the first documented case of leprosy in the Beverly Hills, is having an allergic reaction to aspirin now. She lowers herself into a limo with her friend Adrienne and declares that she still can’t talk properly, right before she literally never shuts up for the rest of the episode. We discover that one of the big problems she’s having with Lisa is Scheana, the hopped up home wrecker from SUR that Lisa insists on bringing around and forcing Brandi to talk to, and she’s particularly pissed off that Lisa knew Scheana was Eddie Cibrian’s mistress but pretended to act shocked last year when Brandi told her. Damn your wayward dick to hell, Eddie Cibrian! Brandi’s plan is to smile and pretend Lisa still has her under control, which sounds like a recipe for disaster and a horrible friendship to maintain.

Everyone shows up wearing vibrant shades of orange, including Carlton and David who basically match. Did we learn nothing from the Britney/Justin denim fiasco of 2001? Brandi and Lisa exchanged the world’s most awkward hello kiss before Brandi ran away, unable to confront Lisa or even look her in the eye. Carlton, who abhors high-school behavior in other people, ignored Kyle in true high-school style. I think it’s great that these two don’t get along, but I wish Carlton would stop looking for things to be angry about. Just listen to Kyle talk for five minutes, I promise she will give you plenty of ammo without you having to make up reasons to dislike her!

Mohamed made a joke about tramp stamps, Kyle beat everyone to the buffet, and there was great clusterfuck as people tried to figure out how to avoid sitting next to people they hated. Grandpa Foster bored everyone to sleep with his upcoming travel itinerary, and snapped them all back to attention by clapping like a man who just discovered he had hands when Gigi went up to give her thank you speech. Did you see the way he clapped? It was all palm! At first I thought he was just being a weirdo, but I think he claps like that to prevent his fingers from being damaged. Surely a mighty clap from his mitts would shatter one of his geriatric digits, so let’s just play it safe by clapping like an overgrown toddler.

Gigi gave a very touching speech, thanking her parents for the work ethic they’ve instilled in her, David for being a big role model, and Shiva, her dad’s girlfriend who was conned into putting this entire party together, for nothing. Did she even say Shiva’s name? Yo gave a toast, and it was just as emotional as you’d expect considering she’s been a complete wreck about this moment from the day this series premiered, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house by the time everyone was done congratulating each other for being so great. Brandi and Kyle shared a napkin, Lady and the Tramp style, Yolo wouldn’t let Gigi eat any of the cake because they are both on diets, and I got to watch my favorite Olympic sport — ladies crying around fake eyelashes.

Belly dancers came out and did things with swords, which provided enough distraction for Brandi to stop telling people she couldn’t talk. Lisa knew that something was up, though, and asked Brandi what was going on. Brandi insists that her inability to talk is the only thing saving her from blowing up at Lisa, but I think she’s also cowed by the fact that she really doesn’t have much to confront her about. So she’s mad about Scheana being around — that can easily be remedied with a meaningful and direct conversation, not the whiny “But I don’t wanna!” attempt from a couple of weeks ago. Of course she should talk to Lisa and work through her reasons for being intimidated by her, but nothing she’s presented so far makes me think the friendship is doomed. Brandi needs to find her backbone and stop being entranced by Lisa’s fancy, jewel-filled lifestyle.

As Carlton is preparing to leave, Yolo grabs Brandi and drags her into the bathhouse portion of the mansion to ask why Carlton wasn’t invited to Puerto Rico. Brandi then has to recount the tale of how Carlton went after Kyle at the birthday dinner 1,983 years ago, and for the first time in ages, someone agrees with Kyle. Where did we put those streamers and noisemakers?

Kyle bustles in to tell Brandi she wants her to give a ring to Carlton because it goes with the necklace she gave her, and Lisa appears out of nowhere to make sure she’s not missing out on a chance to micromanage someone. Carlton won’t accept the guilt jewelry, and Lisa keeps trying to direct Brandi to force it on Carlton before stirring the shit some more by saying hey, that ring doesn’t even match the necklace Kyle gave Carlton because the necklace was blue! Encyclopedia Brown has nothing on you, Vanderpump! This is all very important to remember because Lisa is about to lie through her teeth about the entire transaction in a minute.

Lisa keeps trying to stir the shit by telling Carlton she should be trying to mend fences with Kyle RIGHT NOW, that this gift of a crown for your blue skull necklace was a step in the right direction, but Yolo sidles right on up and says, “Hey, you’re not going to pull that shit here.” Brandi comically offers to take the ring off of Kyle’s hands like the selfish hustler she is before telling Kyle what Lisa said about the jewelry not matching. Lisa lies and tells Kyle she didn’t say that, and Kyle calls her out for playing both sides, so Lisa thinks she’s a man born into a woman’s body because defaulting to misogyny is much easier than realizing you’re just as catty and bitchy as your friends. 

Joyce isn’t at the party because her dad just died, and like the hardcore friends they are, Yolo and Brandi wonder if the trip to Puerto Rico is still going to happen. It probably shouldn’t happen no matter what! Of all the housewife trips, this one is sure to end in tears.

Lisa meets Kyle at her store to shop for maxi dresses and prepare for the vacation, but it quickly devolves into Kyle bringing up old arguments and Lisa sliding down in her seat in an attempt to slither away from it all. Kyle wants to hear Lisa say she’s sorry, but that’s not likely to happen, as the episode ends in a kind of sinister fashion when Lisa leans in and tells Kyle she’s the most loyal friend Kyle is ever going to have.

Is Lisa really as awful as people are painting her to be, or is everyone just sick of getting bossed around? Next week, in Puerto Rico, Ken kicks a ball and gets sabotaged, Kim is tired of Ken’s mouth, and Lisa cries a lot. See you then!

Photo: Bravo