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The Vampire Diaries Recap: Bros Before Brunettes

The Vampire Diaries -- "No Exit" -- Image Number: VD514a_0075.jpg -- Pictured: Ian Somerhalder as Damon -- Photo: Bob Mahoney/The CW -- © 2014 The CW Network, LLC. All rights reserved

Hey, guys, you still with me? Or did the combination of the polar vortex and no new TV finally get you? It’s okay, you can come out of hiding now. I can’t speak for Mother Nature, but the CW is definitely back on track. So you just sit there comfy and I’ll do the heavy lifting, okay? Where were we …

Damon is now a blood-sucking-bloodsucker. (A meta vampire?) Katherine spent the episode trying the impossible: to get into Stefan’s pants (that is a joke because nothing can get into Stefan’s pants, because they are way too tight). And Caroline was just so hardcore season-one problem-solving that I actually thought she might bust out the capris (were capris happening in 2009? I can’t remember).

Anyway, let’s give some points.

Callback! The opening of this episode reminded me a lot of Stefan and Klaus palling around in the first episode of season three. Except did Stefan used to have this much blood on his mouth ALL OF THE TIME? Whatever. Plus 8? The exposition here was a bit much, though.

I love when they explain to victims what is happening. It’s so horrifying. Plus 4.

Aw, Stefan and “Elena” are studying. Remember how Stefan loves history? He won Elena over when he went fact for fact with their teacher in episode one. Memories. Plus 7.

Full disclosure: As much fun as it was seeing Katherine try to seduce Stefan, I don’t remember him being this oblivious. He seemed so stupid sitting on that couch, and then later in the car. Did he really not have any idea that “Elena” was fully hitting on him?

Good news/bad news is 100 percent how Caroline goes through life. I bet Sheriff Forbes used to do high/low with her at the end of the day. Plus 12.

Annoyed that Caroline is still taking Tyler’s calls. Girl, there are tricks to this. Like, save him in your phone as “self-pitying emotionally abusive a-hole” and then watch how easy it starts to become to silence him. Minus 4.

Steroline — love love love. Caroline thinks Stefan is stable and sane. He is, when he’s around her. That’s the amazing thing. Plus 20.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY, but — did anyone else laugh out loud when Nadia said “he doesn’t need to die” and Matt looked up from the one meal he’s had in four years like, are you fucking kidding me? Minus 15, though. Because even in jest, that is not a cool suggestion.

Oh, look, Professor Creepy Doctor is back! And somehow the human is still way more powerful than two supercharged vamps. So glad this story line continues to make perfect sense. Minus 6.

I’m just happy that Stefan finally drives. Remember when Elena used to schlep his ass everywhere? Plus 20.

Katherine is an excellent actress and a terrible one and it’s perfect? It continues to amaze me how she seems nothing like Elena even while pretending to be Elena and looking exactly like Elena. Dobrev, man. Plus 20.

Um, hold up. Damon promised Enzo he wouldn’t feed on him. So is Damon’s humanity switch not off? Why is he still experiencing compassion? And if he is, why is he acting like a psychopath? I mean, I know Damon is a psychopath; I just am unclear about what has made him a “ripper” if it’s not his humanity switch being off? I can’t believe I just wrote that last line. Minus 3? Maybe.

Best quote about Matt of all time: “I don’t know if he’s missing, he just hasn’t been home in two days.” It is so sad and tragic and fitting. Like, I dunno, maybe he got lost. Or, I dunno, maybe a vampire stole him. Or, I dunno, maybe he’s out begging for clothes and shelter. Two days is a long time, people. Matt doesn’t get laid enough to warrant that kind of absence. Minus 10.

Remember when Stefan asked Matt to take a look at his car in order to pump up Matt’s sense of manhood? On that double date that he and Elena went on with Matt and Caroline? Katherine must have messed up that car pretty good because Stefan is a car expert, basically. (At fixing them. Not driving them.)

“The rest is kinda a blur.”
“Yeah, because she’s compelling you!”
Plus 12.

I was just really excited to see Katherine and Stefan in a hotel room together. They didn’t even bother to turn on any lights. And then this happened: “You don’t know what it’s like to be in love with you.” I mean, wow. I’m not even sure what to say about this except that I was kinda bummed Elena was missing it (I hate myself sometimes, too). Plus 30.

Enzo called Elena and Stefan to come help Damon. So basically everyone was on the same side except for Damon, who was just yelling in the background like a toddler. Minus 7.

Ian was doing some good work here. But Enzo, man. That guy is just a brilliant genius. No, totally. You should leave with the doctor who imprisoned you for 50 years. That makes a lot of sense. Minus 15.

Stefan was struggling with some major teenage lust hormones and doing a pretty good job. But then “Elena” got wet and naked even he could not resist. They started hooking up but Stefan, true to form, stopped them. Plus 20 for Paul and Nina and the chemistry that does not quit. And a nice call back to the ragingly hot season-three motel kiss between Damon and Elena. Do you guys still hear "Never Let Me Go" and think of him pressing her up against that wall?

It continues to feel super unfair that Katherine just does not give one single shit about Damon. I thought she was at least, I don’t know, fond of him back in the day? But I guess this 100 percent answers the question of who Katherine really did love. Yeah, guys, I still needed some clarification. No points.

Way to make a move, Matt. Rock on. Plus 50. Although it was sad that Nadia compelled him to remember sex when it hadn’t even happened.

Paul and Ian did some beautiful work last night. The scene where Damon gets all up in Stefan’s face and then Stefan says: “I’m not afraid of you, Damon.” Just really stellar stuff. So much has happened, and I know Elena isn’t even Elena right now, but it’s great when it’s just the three of them in a room figuring stuff out. That continues to be a show I want to watch. Plus 30.

How did Katherine even know that Elena’s signature line is “Why, because you love me?” Plus 20.

Stefan would never kill Damon. Katherine is the smartest person on this show, but love makes even her stupid. Minus 10.

I feel mixed on this scene with Tyler and Caroline. On the one hand: douchebag. On the other hand: I get where he’s coming from. The problem with his rationale is that so much crazy stuff happens on this show that the fact that Klaus killed his mom actually does not seem that bad? Everyone’s moms have been murdered, so maybe get over it? (I don’t make the rules, guys). But plus 20. I did see some of that Tyler humanity I had grown to really love.

“You’re my brother. I’m not going to give up on you.” Plus 30.

Caroline now hangs out in the Salvatore mansion with a tumbler of scotch. It all of a sudden just massively bummed me out that Stefan and Caroline will never be able to have adorable tow-headed children. Plus 20 for how much they’re going to try, though.

It’s the Scooby Doo gang. It took these two idiots a fairly long time to figure it out, but well done, kids! You see how productive this relationship is already? Plus 40.

You think we’re going to get Elena back next week? Is anyone missing her yet? Now that the Kat is out of the ba,g I guess it’s only a matter of time before our protagonist shows up. Well, it has been fun while it lasted.

As always: @RebeccaASerle

Photo: Bob Mahoney/CW