The Real Housewives of Atlanta
How far off the chain are Kenya, Apollo, and Gregg this week? They actually make Peter sound normal.
We’re still in the Glass Cube of Despair on the last few nights of this Mexico trip and picking up where we left off, with Phaedra rolling up on Apollo and Kenya deep in ridiculous conversation. Just as Phaedra is about to physically assault Kenya, NeNe and Porsha save the day by yelling their way into the building, causing Apollo to spin his legs in the air and run away like a cartoon. Here’s the real business: Apollo is a punk bitch, and I cannot stand him. I dislike him so much, he’s making me use the word bitch to describe him, and I can’t stand that word! Apollo had no business talking to Kenya, but particularly infuriating is the fact that he cloaks his bullshittery in macho idealism. He thinks that he’s allowed to disrespect his wife just because he’s a man. Like, that’s actually his train of thought — I’m a dude, so anything I do is right. Apollo is a prince of patriarchy. Every day is a parade! Every dick is the key to the kingdom!
Fundamentally, Apollo doesn’t understand how he’s breached the trust in his relationship by having this private conversation with Kenya. This dumbass legitimately thinks he can be friendly with Kenya without Phaedra slitting his throat in his sleep, even though she has repeatedly told him how much Kenya has hurt her and their family. It’s easy to see that he legit doesn’t care about Phaedra’s feelings, and watching her sit outside the door of their hotel room while he walked away with the key made my heart break for her. He didn’t even ask her what was wrong! He couldn’t even intuit that she was upset. I was hoping she would just get on a plane and go home, but it’s not like she has Vanderpump money.
What was Apollo even thinking by trying to suck up the next day with “a rose for your thoughts,” talking about his stretched-out medulla oblongata? Can a medical professional please check to see that this man has not been walking around with a concussion for the past decade? Does he have one of those traveling blood clots from all of the fighting he’s done? He never makes sense! I felt some early-onset Beat Your Ass syndrome when he told Phaedra to “find some laughter,” as if his juvenile emotional responses to her real problems weren’t 99 percent of the reason she hasn’t cracked a smile in two years. Phaedra is onto the fact that he’s trying to make things better, but she just keeps on talking in the low, intimidating voice and studying for her upcoming exam. I wanted to snatch that moment out of my television screen, make it a GIF, and carry it around on a sandwich board for all high-school girls to see. Just keep studying, yo, and ignore that dummy.
My singular favorite moment of the night were the times when Phaedra corrected Apollo’s sentences, like saying juvial when he meant jovial, because juvial isn’t a word. I love any chance to see him put in his place now.
Meanwhile on the beach, Miss Lawrence is living a Sade moment in a beautiful maroon caftan and Cynthia is trying to figure out what happened with Phaedra and Apollo. I love how Peter said, “Is that your version?” when Kenya tried to act like she innocently tripped into her conversation with Apollo, and that is huge considering how much I petition for Peter’s mouth to be sewn shut. Miss Lawrence actually said that Apollo and Kenya have Brad and Angelina—style chemistry with a straight face, and I laughed so hard my kidneys shut down. In the end, Cynthia still has no idea what happened, and Kenya made some tasteless jokes about how much dick she is able to get without having actually being able to prove that she has been near one all season.
Apollo had the nerve to ask Phaedra what she wanted to do for her upcoming birthday as if the answer wasn’t automatically going to be castration, and decided to throw her a surprise party where Kenya was in attendance and there was a piñata full of condoms. I sincerely hope this man is not still planning on joining the mortuary business, because all over Atlanta, corpses will be popping out of coffins like macabre jack-in-the-box toys. Everyone made fun of Phaedra for refusing to say her age, and then Porsha “blacked out” and knocked over the cake with one of her mighty piñata swings. Porsha is surprisingly not bothersome on this trip, and actually kind of the funniest person? Her dunderheadedness always reaches new, hilarious heights when she gets out of Atlanta, and I appreciate it. Gregg scurried to jam some piñata condoms in his pocket, as if his plums were still regularly producing and not painfully eking out huge wisps of dust at the very thought of a sexual encounter.
Kandi got on the mike and gave a brief but thoughtful toast to Phaedra about the value of their friendship, which paved the way for Apollo to take the mike and look like a complete fool. He basically thanked her for giving birth to their sons, and then gave the vocal equivalent of a fist-bump when he said, “Let’s continue to move forward.” Is this a birthday speech commemorating your wife, or a boring talk from your HR department at your monthly office meeting? He is the worst, and I hate him.
There was a brief twerk contest in the pool, where Peter hilariously exclaimed, “Hey, look at my wife, trying to do something!” Miss Lawrence, Kandi, Todd, and Porsha took a boat trip directly into an oncoming storm, and not even Hemingway is going to give you foreshadowing like that. The storm, of course, was the completely unnecessary redo of couple’s night, replete with “low-ass ugly seats” and a room full of bad attitudes. When Kenya let them know what they were recreating, Peter said, “Oh, the one you fucked up?” and I actually clutched my chest and dropped my jaw, not quite believing I was in solidarity with this jerk. He didn’t even miss a beat!
While answering the first question, Porsha said she liked wild sex, but romantic sex is okay with an older guy. Peter thankfully Sandman Sims-ed her back to her seat in good humor. Something about it didn’t sit well with NeNe, though, and when she picked the next question (something that annoys you about another couple in the room), she turned her fire hose up to FULL BLAST and ripped into Porsha for being ignorant. NeNe, the world is legion when it comes to acknowledging Porsha’s ignorance, but I think thou doth protest too much when it comes to your tirade about old men and sex. Why did she jump on Porsha like that? Because NeNe is a bully. No one was even talking about her or Gregg, but she couldn’t let it hang in the air for even a second that someone had a different opinion about life. She tried to turn her lasers on Kandi for questioning whether or not she still had her period since she is in her 40s, but Kandi deflected with “FLOW ON,” and you’d better believe that will be my comeback to everything from now on. Kandi is right — NeNe can’t take criticism, but she sure can dish it out. It’s amazing to me how much I dislike NeNe now, but every time she opens her mouth, she’s being hypocritical or hyper-judgmental, and she is genuinely unlikeable this season.
When Miss Lawrence had a question about cheating and shocked everyone by not giving a damn about a partner stepping out, Kenya saw this as an opportunity to set her eyes on Phaedra and draw her into the conversation. Phaedra wasn’t having it, and I love that she was like, “If you cheat on me, I’m just deucing you.” It was a warning for Apollo to know where he stands and for Kenya to know Phaedra is not the one to fuck with. Did you gasp in horror when mean girl NeNe said, “With those big legs, how would Phaedra cheat” or was it just me? Peter was very upset at the idea that someone would step out on a marriage, causing Apollo to short circuit and make some analogy about homeowner’s insurance. He is literally the Mush Mouth in this gang of Cosby Kids.
Just when you thought the night was over, Kenya sent the men to her room so she could sit with the rest of the women and make sure “everything was on the table” before they went back to Atlanta. Why does Kenya think it’s her duty to repair any of the stuff happening in this group, especially when she won’t admit her role in causing most of it? She addressed “the elephant in the room — Phaedra,” which was a shitty way for her to work in yet another fat joke, and Phaedra calmly reminded her that she’s asked that Kenya not to speak to Apollo in her company, and that she has crossed the line way too many times. What Apollo didn’t realize is that by talking to Kenya and trying to keep it friendly, he opened the door for her to put a little wedge there, which she whipped out when she said, “You might not want to be my friend, but you shouldn’t speak for your husband.” See, now Kenya feels like she has leverage, because Apollo showed his hand and is obviously out of sync with his wife. One of the only prevailing rules about marriage is that you’re batting for the same team, and this is a perfect example of how Apollo fucked that right up.
Porsha yelled at Kenya for intruding on Phaedra and Apollo’s marriage, saying she can’t possibly know what they are going through until she gets married herself. I don’t know — you don’t have to be married to know when you’re acting like an asshole, or playing two sides against each other, but I see Porsha’s very passionate point.
Not ones to be left out, Gregg and Peter start fighting almost as soon as they get in the room. Let me just tell you that Gregg is wrong, and should sit down before he breaks a hip. He was pissed off at Peter for rolling up to NeNe at Kenya’s charity fashion-show debacle from a few weeks ago, and thinks that Peter should have talked to him instead of NeNe if he had a problem. First of all, NeNe approached Peter, and the flashback proved it. Second of all, this macho bullshit has to stop. NeNe can obviously stick up for herself, so Gregg’s chest-thumping is the kind of bravado no one needs. Gregg feels disrespected, which is an emotion he manufactured completely on his own, but he and Peter are yelling and cursing about it anyway. Todd tried to get in the mix and separate them, but Apollo, having learned one lesson in this life, told him to sit down. The women, hearing the fight, came running to the room to see what was up. NeNe, proving Peter’s point about how aggressive she is, stomped right up to Peter, told him to stay out of women’s business, and called him a bitch.
And that’s where we’re leaving off until next week! So, what do you think — was Peter somehow right this week about almost everything? Does NeNe need to take a Xanax? Will Apollo’s children learn the ABCs before he does? Next week, Porsha asks for way too much money to be in Kandi’s play, and Cynthia might not want to be friends with NeNe anymore. See you then!