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The Vampire Diaries Recap: Spring Break ... Woo-hoo!

This week our girl ol' faithful Elena Gilbert returns to the land of the, um ... living? Unfortunately, she spends most of her spring break trying not to die. But Katherine’s Last Revenge isn’t the only item on the agenda: Damon almost kills Matt Donovan (can we get a running tally on how many times that’s happened?), a second Stefan doppelgänger is found (Paul Wesley’s face, y’all!), and Delena perfects the art of breakup sex.

Let’s give some arbitrary points!

I knew everyone looked too happy in this opening scene. It was clearly a hallucination. “We’re having fun, obviously!” No, Caroline. Nobody in Mystic Falls ever has fun. Everybody dies. Minus 20.

“Do you guys not know me at all?” I get that it took them a while (three weeks) to figure out that she was gone, but the next time Caroline or Matt has a sociopathic doppelgänger take their place in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, there is actually zero chance Elena would notice. Ever. Minus 8. Also, to be fair, Elena has danced half-naked on a bar before and she once handed her brother a tumbler of scotch. Come on.

“That would explain all those crazy Instagram pics you’ve been uploading lately.” Plus 10. I would give my pinkie finger to follow the real Katherine Pierce on Insta.

There’s always an obstacle preventing Damon and Elena from being together. This separate jail cell thing was way metaphoric, if not a little ridiculous. P.S. Why did Elena have it so good just chilling in a mime box and Damon had to have handcuffs? Isn’t her virus worse? Minus 30.

“He also said you have a thing for accents.” Enough with the Klaus jokes. Minus 7.

There is just no way Elena cares this much about Aaron. Sorry. Has she even asked one time where Bonnie is? You see my point. Minus 15.

Elena asking why Katherine stayed was an uncharacteristically smart question. I feel so bad for Stefan when he has to have these conversations with her. How brutal was it when he said “and then I put it together. She wasn’t you.” Ouch. Minus 18.

Bonnie is awesome now? Bonnie is awesome now. Plus 20.

Katherine’s voice-over as Elena read her diary = plus 50. I knew that wouldn’t be the last we’d ever see or hear our Queen Kat!

And plus another 30 for the Katherine/Elena/Stefan make-out hallucination. It was hot. (That makes it kind of sound like a threesome, but it wasn’t.) Also I love how Elena pretends to not lead Stefan on. Remember amnesiac Stefan? “And then I put my hands on your face like this”???

Another doppelgänger!!!! FINALLY the Travelers become interesting. Plus 15. And for the record, if I ever met Paul Wesley and he asked me what I needed, my answer would 100 percent be: “another one of you.”

Making out with Stefan is Elena’s worst fear? Quick Q: What do you think would happen if she ever met an average-looking male?

“David dumped my ass. At Señor Frogs, of all horrifying places.” Luke, I already like you. Let’s do tequila shots and talk about ex-boyfriends. Plus 12. Also how great was it when he was like, “Don’t tell me you and Stefan hooked up?” Katherine made feed-friends!

Okay, Damon, sure. You’re definitely going to kill Matt Donovan. Because that’s a thing Elena would forgive. Minus 18.

“Remind me. We were friends.” (!!!!!!!!!) PLUS 40.

I laughed at the Tessa mention. I think the writers are glad they got themselves out of that Qetsiyah mess. (I spelled her name without Googling! Plus 5 for me.)

If you’re going to fry Stefan’s brain and torture Caroline’s BFF and future love like that, I need a reason more than “doppelgängers are important.” We’re two months away from a finale, people: What the fuck is going on? Minus 10.

“Otherwise, you’re gonna bleed to death. So really, it’s your choice.” There was — dare I say it — a bit of Katherine’s Petrova fire in Elena tonight!  Love it when Elena does something totally out of character like almost kill someone (on purpose). Plus 30.

Our first glimpse at Stefan 3.0 was interesting, to say the least. He’s an EMT in Atlanta. I immediately remembered season one Stefan telling Elena about wanting to be a doctor. Hmmm. Plus 18. Color me curious.

When Damon showed up and handed hallucinating Elena Stefan’s blood I had this moment where I just wanted to question all of our choices, everything, how did we get here?

“She won. Katherine won.” Not really. She’s kind of in a ... dark place right now.

Finally, Damon tells Elena the truth about killing Aaron Whitmore. Ian did some good work here, but come on, show. Elena did not remotely care when Damon confessed to stalking and killing GENERATIONS of a family. That one blond dude suddenly made her spring a conscience? Minus 10.

 “From the looks of it, you’d both rather be dead.” Yeah, Enzo, because that means they have to actually talk to each other, be honest, and communicate. You know: the essential tenants of successful relationships. Minus 12.

Stefan teasing Caroline for being worried about him is the cutest. I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait. Plus 30.

Caroline is going to kill the nice Atlanta doctor with Paul Wesley’s face? Sure. That seems real.

Luke, I really liked you! Which of course means you’re evil. Duh. (Also newsflash: Witch Bitch really IS a Bitch!) Two seconds in and I’m loving this plotline. What do these evil siblings want with our gang … and with Bonnie? Fresh blood! Plus 20.

“I have to go against every single thing that I believe in … again … because I love you.” “That’s the problem. We don’t work.” Damon’s right. This is a seriously toxic relationship. Plus 18 for honesty.

Plus 50 for someone finally getting naked around here. No one has done it in way too long. Damon and Elena have great chemistry, so it was hot, I just don’t know how I feel about this presumed “friends with benefits” scenario in next week’s episode. Those situations always turn out so well, you know? I want to make sure we still have conflict on the show. 

What did you guys think of this week’s episode? Let’s talk! As always: @RebeccaASerle 

Photo: Annette Brown / The CW Network