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The Vampire Diaries Recap: Figuring Out Crazy

Hey, guys! Last night was fun. Did you have fun? I had a blast. There was that crazy new witch, and Paul Wesley eating tons of carbs, and Damon and Elena just sexing each other like crazy against lockers. It was a good episode.

Let’s chat!

Tom Avery! You want to talk about irony? This dude’s hair was anything from a hero’s and yet there he was, saving lives, blood everywhere, not trying to murder a bunch of peeps. Season Five, episode 17: "It’s What’s Inside That Counts." Plus 12.

I thought sex was supposed to make you happier than that. Elena definitely did not look too psyched. Minus 8. Also Ian looked a little like he was posing for a college kid doing a dude sketch. No points, but that strategic sheet placement, Jesus.

This absurd idea that Caroline would kill a human — a doctor — made me laugh out loud during that scene with Enzo. I liked when he teased her, too. Caroline really does have chemistry with any male on this show.

Damon, Tyler, and Matt — Plus 15. If you start to break down this scene, and why they’re all there, it is absurdly depressing. Just enjoy the sarcasm and sculpted features.

Elena on the phone with Bonnie — minus 18. Elena is that friend that calls you to catch up and just when the conversation is about to turn to what’s going on in your life, she has to go.

Damon and Elena at a parent-teacher conference. You never thought you’d read that line, did you? But this is where we are. Okay. Plus 8.

“I’m joking. I joke?” Enzo is kinda funny. It has been awhile since anyone has super-snarked up this show. Plus 7.

“Let me guess. She made you a better man.” Caroline really gets who she is. Plus 20.

STOP TORTURING STEFAN. Minus 25. But this was nice: “I’m right here. Just hold on.” The way Enzo looked at Caroline while she was crying and begging Stefan to be okay was great. He knows. We all know. Plus 16.

They do actually take shots before 9 a.m. No points.

Elena is legitimately one year older than Jeremy. And yet she is responsible for creating a “stable home,” for him? C’mon. Elena cannot create a stable home for her knit sweaters, let alone a human being. Remember when she burned her house down?

All of this witch stuff! Converging! Bonnie being relevant! Yes. Plus 20.

When Tyler listened in on Jeremy, I remembered like a hammer to the head that Matt still has zero supernatural powers. No points, because how can you deduct from human perfection?

“Your sister’s right. The world does actually revolve around her.” #Science Plus 12.

Elena would care more about her 18-year-old brother cheating on his girlfriend than flunking out of school. Her priorities are actually exactly backwards. Yep, the blue stuff you swim in is called the sky, Elena.

“And kiss every square inch of your body while a bunch of people who drive minivans listen, wishing they were us.” I KINDA feel he was talking about the viewers here, but you know what, fair. We do sometimes listen wishing we were them. This was hot. Plus 25.

“Stefan is one of the best people that I know.” Plus 17. But out of curiosity who are the others?

Yeah! Of course Caroline would save the new guy. She’s Caroline, and she’s amazing. Plus 40.

Damon and Elena were sitting in class learning about chemistry! It was like the WB up in here. PLUS 19.

OMG TOM AVERY LET’S GET MARRIED. He eats waffles and showers and wears plaid. An actual angel. Plus 15.

That choking fake-out was intense. I didn’t really believe it, though. Did I?

“Oh my god, just kill me already.” This is legitimately how I feel when Damon and Elena talk about their relationship, too.

“How can I trust you? You haven’t exactly been making good decisions.” Ha. Hahahahaha. Plus 10 for making me laugh, Elena.

They were all at high school? No points, but the location of all of this was confusing.

Tyler and Matt are townies. Minus 10? Plus 10?

Enzo killed Tom. Devastated. I was really looking forward to hanging out with him. Maybe talking about the best way to plant trees. Like, do you need mulch with pines? Thanks for ripping away my future, show. Minus 22.

“Jeremy’s whole life is bad for Jeremy.” Truer words have never been spoken. Plus 28.

Caroline and Stefan lying down next to each other looking up at the sky — plus 100. Here. We. Go. “That’s what makes you you.” SQUEEEEEEEEEEE.

“When we’re together, we do bad things for each other.” Plus 30. This conversation was strangely honest for two people who just cannot get it together. It felt real. I even had this moment where I remembered what it was like to really love Elena. Crazy, right? More of this.

STEFAN AND CAROLINE WERE SNUGGLING. PLUS 200.

So the travelers committed mass suicide, passed through Bonnie, and then came out of one dude who looks like he’s crossing over from Arrow. I’ll bite.

Next week, Stefan and Elena try to create a plot device whereby we forget that Stefan and Caroline are soul mates. I’m just gonna say this in advance: Nice try.

As always: @RebeccaASerle

Photo: Annette Brown/The CW Network