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The Vampire Diaries Recap: Enzo the Honorable

There was a time in which I knew what The Vampire Diaries was about. I could talk about it at a group meeting, and also with friends who live in caves. A human girl caught between two vampire brothers. Easy enough. But now it’s just like, where is my elevator pitch? Elena and Stefan are friends. Damon and Elena hate each other/just want to have sex. Bonnie is a witch with no powers. Oh, I get it! This is the CW’s six-year, slow-burn plan to turn TVD into The Caroline Show! WELL PLAYED.

Anyway, this week Enzo found out Damon was the one who killed Maggie (and then killed himself, blaming it on Stefan), everyone hung out at a library that did not appear to be the Salvatore’s living room, and the travelers continued to execute their nebulous plan.

Let’s give some points!

This opening scene with Stefan and Elena did not appear to be a dream sequence. Weird. Is friendship the source of all true happiness? Plus 15. This stuff between them feels organic, mostly because the idea of watching Stefan in pain over Elena is just way too season four. But I do miss watching Stefan in love. He’s a great romantic lead … can we see that again? I’m not choosy on who with.

Elena: I’m gonna pretend to know a thing about your life.

Bonnie: I’m confused?

Plus 10.

Meanwhile, back at the frat house … Does Tyler’s pad come with a full-time housekeeper? Because otherwise, the order of that living room is more unbelievable than actual vampires.

I think I haven’t allowed myself to get attached to Tyler because I keep expecting him to disappear again. So every time he comes onscreen I’m all, ugh, who even is that guy? Meanwhile, I like Tyler very much. I’ve said tons of things about how remarkable his journey on TVD was. So I guess I should let go of my grudge now? He seems to be sticking around. Plus 15.

Damon and Enzo on the phone was cute. Especially when Damon was all “field trip?” But then Enzo turned him down because not everyone talks in high-school metaphors. Plus 7.

Was anyone else absolutely petrified that Maggie was going to have Nina Dobrev’s face? Plus 6 because that didn’t happen.

Can everyone STOP EFFING WITH STEFAN’S BRAIN? Jesus. Minus 13.

It was nice to see Stefan and Elena being tortured side by side. Mostly because he didn’t appear to be saying things like “kill me and let her go!” Plus 8. To be fair, I think this is due less to the fact that he’s no longer in love with her and more because no one really believes there is a threat on this show anymore.

Flashback! It has been awhile since we’ve done the sepia thing on this show. I loved it. Plus 8.

“I guess you got the handsome genes.” CONTROVERSY! (Plus 4)

It was kind of great when Elena watched Bonnie and New Awesome Witch go upstairs. You could just see her being like, Wait, is that an option for me too? Can I also leave Stefan’s side now? Plus 6 for character consistency.

Sheriff Forbes, man. She is just THE best. Can we start campaigning for the Forbes Women spinoff? Crime-fighting mother and vampire daughter take on the big city? Stefan can come. Plus 20.

Enzo is a very good guy. That move with the vervain bracelet was straight-up heroic. For all their whining about not wanting to hurt her neither Damon nor Stefan ever actually left. Plus 16.

Can we talk about this Other Side stuff real quick? I get that it’s being destroyed, but to be honest, it never seemed that awesome to begin with? Let’s not pretend like we’re saving paradise here, guys. It always felt cold and haunted to me. Minus 4.

“There are sides now?!” “What are you two, study buddies now?” Ha! Damon was super snarky this episode. I loved it. Plus 9.

“I don’t want to hate you because if I hate you than I have nothing left.” Damon and Enzo are in love, right? I’m not being glib. That is actually what is happening. Plus 15 because awesome.

Oh, Enzo flipped his humanity switch. HEADLINE news. Not. Minus 10.

Bonnie was the only person who ran to New Awesome Witch’s defense. I mean, honestly, does no one care about the humans anymore? Then Damon went to track down Enzo. There was some moment where it kinda seemed like Damon and Stefan we’re trying to decide who was going to go after Elena. Also this bit was great: “If you wanted to kill me, I’d be dead already.” That was straight-up not true, but Elena’s heard it a lot, so to her it seemed a legit thing to say. Plus 3.

I liked that Elena fought back. Can we let her do that more? Plus 4.

I absolutely adore this new witch. She is amazing. But the realization that Bonnie is leaving? Will she die once the Other Side is completely destroyed? “You need to say good-bye to your friends.” I did not see this coming. Minus 8. Just when I was starting to really understand Bonnie (pretend you are invisible and then multiply that by like one hundred — that is what it’s like to be Bonnie).

Enzo committed suicide and blamed it on Stefan. That’s a pretty crazy thing to do. I will get to this below, but I was not psyched about the turn this plot took.

How are none of their phone screens cracked? I want answers. Minus 17.

I think Damon carrying Elena into her bedroom and leaving without a trace was supposed to inject some longing romance into their relationship. Okay.

Stefan showed up to confess to Elena that he killed Enzo, which HE DID NOT DO. I know that Stefan has a tendency to take responsibility for EVERYTHING, but this elaborate plan to lie to Damon was straight-up ridiculous. Just tell him Enzo killed himself? Because that is actually what happened? Minus 20.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Bon.” Matt for president. Plus 20.

WHOA. Doppelgänger blood makes vampires human. But I have a lot of questions. Because these guys drink each other’s blood constantly and nothing ever happens to them. So … what’s the deal here? No points. For now.

Why does everyone want to settle in Mystic Falls? At least on Buffy, Sunnydale was the actual hellmouth. So, okay. That was what was going on there. But Mystic Falls is just some random crappy town. Travelers, you know about Hawaii, right? Minus 7.

I liked this scene with Damon and Stefan, but I resent Stefan having all this guilt about “killing” Enzo. I will SUPER resent it when Damon finds out and somehow thinks this is grounds to be an asshole to Stefan. Minus 20 in advance.

Total tally: 67 points.

Next week, Damon and Stefan are taking a road trip with Elena. So … that’s new territory. The three of them being stuck under one roof! (Sarcasm. They live together.)

Show, why aren't we spending these final episodes bringing Stefan and Caroline together?

Until next week: @RebeccaASerle

Photo: Annette Brown/CW