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The Vampire Diaries Recap: In Another Universe

It has been a long month. They taunted us with those sequences of dreamy, sepia-toned Stefan and Elena putting their faces on each other’s faces and then just peaced out. Why do you keep us wanting, TVD? Oh, that’s your show strategy? Cool. Anyway, last night, we returned with Paul Wesley’s directorial debut! Yeah! The episode was awesome. Stefan and Elena were having visions of some alterna-reality where they were happy and not vampires. Turns out “the universe” is just one really super old dude. And Kol came back so I know that must have made at least a few of you pretty happy. Also I still don’t know what a traveler actually is, so there’s that.

Let’s give some points!

As soon as I saw those flowers in the opening shot, I knew this was a dream sequence. Nothing but the humans are that pretty on this show. Also this whole exchange was so season one — even Elena’s hair was straight. Plus 7.

Enzo and Damon’s catch-up is the new Stefan and Damon catch-up. At least these guys play pool. Plus 5.

Oh! Elena and Stefan were meeting now! I don’t know, you guys, these scenes were kind of moving me. Nina and Paul just have such great chemistry. There is a subtle sensitivity to their relationship. Also is it weird that Elena couldn’t dream un-burn her house? Whatever. Plus 3.

 “You know how sometimes you feel crazy and you call me and I tell you that you’re not crazy?” I think this is what marriage is? Plus 20.

“Hey, it’s me. Bonnie Bennett, your girlfriend. Just in case you need reminding.” Bonnie should just record herself saying that and then occasionally play it for people. It would not make one iota of a difference, but it would probably save her time. Minus 6.

Grams! Plus 3.

I don’t know how no one has ever called Matt, Tyler, and Jeremy the Three Stooges, but crazy new chick is my FAVORITE. Also she seemed to think it was pretty sexy when they all stuck daggers in themselves (eh, we’ve seen worse). On that note: HELLLO, MATT IS HUMAN? You are not supposed to stick daggers in humans. 

Noooo, Sheriff Forbes got traveled! Minus 5.

I’m kind of charmed by Enzo’s crush on Caroline, although I’m really unclear on why Elena and Caroline need to tell Damon about Stefan and Elena’s visions? God, these guys are dysfunctional. Minus 15.

“They’re not sex dreams.”

“Yeah they’re more like romance-dreams.” Delena versus Stelena, amiright? Plus 4.

I mean, in Bonnie versus crazy new witch, I’m just going to choose crazy new witch. Possibly also when it comes to Jeremy’s love life. What is this girl’s name??? Plus 6.

STOP. KILLING. MATT. But it was actually this scene with Matt and Kol (yay for Kol people!) that convinced me, 100 percent, that Matt is never actually going to die. I saw the light. And it was good. Plus 20.

Ugh, Elena and Damon. First off, I am so sick of them talking about how much they want to sex each other but can’t. I mean you could, guys. If you want to make each other more miserable, go for it. I just don’t want to have to watch. And also, involving Damon in this doppelgänger-fantasy thing is just so fucked up. I get it. The show needs him to know. But couldn’t they have tried to keep it from him? Has Elena lost ALL sense of human decency? Yeah, you’re right. Stupid question. Minus 30.

The conversation when Enzo is telling Caroline that Damon and Elena officially have no hope of getting back together because she called him her “friend?” It immediately made me feel like he was setting some future scene up with Caroline and Stefan. Also I liked when he opened up to C about Maggie. Sometimes Enzo is cool. Sometimes. Plus 18.

It was sad when Damon asked Elena if she and Stefan are really happy in her dreams. I mean, of course they’re happy. I’m going to say something controversial now: Life sucked equally as much when Stefan and Elena were together, no doubt, but Elena was happy with him. I mean, HE didn’t make her miserable (until he left and killed all those people but details). No points.

Ah, Luke and Liv! Plus 20 automatically for any story line involving these two from now on.

Hey, did any of you ever watch Roswell? If you didn’t, don’t try now. It doesn’t hold up. I don’t know why. But if you were alive and in the presence of a TV in 2000 — OMFG that show was good. One thing that happened: The main characters Max and Liz kept getting these visions when they would make out and their Scooby gang realized that their visions were leading them to this key piece of information they needed (they were dealing with alien stuff, not vampire stuff, but tomato, tomato). Anyway, Max and Liz had to keep hooking up to get them info. It was PHENOMENAL. This kind of reminded me of that. Plus 23.

Stefan and Elena got engaged. It was kind of sweet. How old were they? Was that their house? Why doesn’t Stefan know how to cook in vision land? Plus 12.

Matt wandering around the Other Side calling out Vicki’s name was the saddest scene this show has EVER FILMED. Do you have any idea how intense a statement that is? Minus 30.

“The best way to get people to go searching for each other is the promise of true love.” Guys, that is TRUE. Also, this was fascinating. So there was no prophecy, just a spell. I think I’m getting that right? They’re not fated, they just have a millennia-long curse, essentially, on them. Plus 20 for free will, I think. There were some blurred lines here.

Aw, Stefan and Elena have kids. Sweet. For like a second. “And then it just ended.” Story of their lives. Minus 16.

The scene where Stefan and Elena were sitting by the fire was pretty great. It has been awhile since these two have shared a moment. That life (theirs together) WAS amazing. That’s what I’m saying, guys. Think about it? But don’t, because #Steroline. I liked what Stefan said here about their love story being real. My chest hurt a little when they told one another they would always love each other. Also, holy shit. That last line? “I think you can either be friends with someone or in love with them. I don’t think you can be both.” That means Stefan is not in love with Elena. I know it has been years, but this show is constantly trying to convince us there is still hope in that corner. This felt like some finality to move in a different direction … Plus 40. Even I, steadfast member of Team Stefan, think it’s time.

As soon as Elena said “we’re real,” I had an idea of where this was going. Also, the music didn’t help. Good for Damon. Elena shouldn’t be in his life. But the mere fact that she was trying to convince him she should was pretty intolerable. If we’re headed for a Damon-Elena reunion season finale, count me out, thanks.

Sheriff Forbes is the audience replacement on this show. “What happened?” Plus 20.

Total tally: 119

All right, you guys. That’s that. Did you feel some finality, Stelena people? Do you guys want Damon and Elena back together? Or are you just hoping two blond and very adorable people snuggle again soon? You know where I stand! As always: @RebeccaASerle

Photo: Bob Mahoney/CW