If you were capable of conscious thought in the 1980s and '90s, you likely have some recollection of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But if you only remember them as green-skinned, pizza-devouring, happy-go-lucky animated characters, you only know one teeny-tiny part of the turtles' insane history. As it turns out, this weekend's movie reboot, produced by Michael Bay (ugh), is only the latest chapter in a strange, 31-year saga — a saga you can experience with us in the following video. Financial struggle! Lawsuits! Gritty violence! Surprise appearances by Sam Rockwell, Laurence Fishburne, and Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! It's all here! Turtle Power!