A lot of people would be tempted to say that New York City is the third cast member, since it features so prominently in this episode; and those people are not only lazy, but completely wrong. The secret about New York City is that it does not give a shit about you. It doesn’t care about your MFA or if you write 89 books about loving or leaving it. New York definitely doesn’t care about BoCoCa, ViVa, FiDi, or any other neighborhoods cobbled together to seem more palatable, because New York doesn’t need to be palatable. New York doesn’t give a shit if, in 20 years, when everyone else is paying $150,000 a year to live in a fifth-floor walk-up, you’ll feel like King Shit of Fuck Mountain at your rent-controlled $3,500-a-month two-bedroom. If we’re going to anthropomorphize New York, it’s definitely not going to play second-tier to your movie, TV show, or podcast — it’s a goddamn Leviathan, it will rise out of the deep like the alien ship at the end of The Abyss, it will freak you out until the bitter end, and, when you’ve moved along, a whole new crop of people will try to lasso ropes around it and call it their own while you’re lulled into compliance by the hypnotic vibration of your lawnmower and ache over how much you miss the rush, the pull, the endless frenzy of bodies barely touching, every single day for the rest of your goddamn life.
Broad City is smart enough to comment on New York without actually saying anything out loud, and this episode is a perfect example of that very thing. On the surface, this episode is about a group of people trying to get to a wedding in Connecticut, but the threads unraveled are more about redefining yourself as relationships evolve, and, of course, the power of asshole-expanding poppers.
One thing is clear as Abbi and Ilana run around the city with their crew, trying desperately to make it to Bridgeport: Morgan, the waifish bit of cotton candy Abbi was friends with in college, has absolutely no chill. Whenever she’s not making uncomfortable, overly sexual remarks about her brother, Morgan is reminiscing about the Trifecta she and Abbi had with bride Darcy, desperate to have a connection that supersedes the one Abbi clearly has with Ilana. Abbi is sort of stuck on all sides, trying to tend to Ilana, Morgan, and her new guy, happy to go to this wedding with her even though they’re only on their second date. He takes some of the pressure off by bowing out entirely after running to Grand Central only to discover their train is leaving from Penn Station. “Penn Station is disgusting, it’s a dealbreaker.” Truer words, guys.
People slowly start peeling off as more travel-related disasters befall them. Kevin had great one-liners, and I was cracking up every time he was onscreen. When their cab gets into an accident on the way to Penn Station, Kevin, who spent the whole ride talking about people who had O.D.ed and brought gum, Adderall, and poppers with him, suggests they make a break for it because he “can’t go back to jail.” I laughed the hardest when he was riding with Lincoln, who helped them rent a truck after they missed their train. Will we ever call braces anything but “mouth scaffolding” again? It was sad to lose Kevin when, after the truck popped a tire, he got hit by a car door while riding a stolen bike.
The rented truck was supposed to be a car, but that would’ve been too easy. Lincoln stepped up and saved the day after the rental price jumped to $1,100 for under-25 Ilana and 25-but-license-suspended Abbi. He was quick to explain that he wasn’t pulling a sugar-daddy move, just “an older guy paying for his young friend who he has sex with.” I absolutely love Lincoln, with his little bowlegged legs and half-closed eyes, eager to point out the beauty at every turn, like marveling at the majestic ceiling of Grand Central while everyone else is running away. He’s gentle and decisive, completely in love with Ilana, and just absurd enough to be her kind of weird. God bless Broad City for having the balls to show a black male character with some nuance, and enough that the rental-car agent (played by Michelle Hurst, Miss Claudette on Orange Is the New Black) compared him to Idris Elba. Lincoln, the only one among them who genuinely loves weddings, volunteers to stay behind with the truck, chivalrous to the very end.
Ilana noticed that Morgan was unraveling while they were all in the back of the truck, doing whatever they could to keep their balance — Abbi strapped to the wall with cables, Morgan running from side to side, and Ilana dancing to feel the rhythm of the truck. After discussing the merits of elephant-size dongs, the tire pops, and they all take off on Citi Bikes, a visual abomination made hilarious by Abbi shouting at everyone to “pump it!” while asking them what lights their fire (“Rihanna’s Instagram!” “Gossip!” “My brother!”). She triumphantly raises her hands above her head and screams, “Look at me now, Soulstice!” while her dress rides up and she flashes her va-hee-na at everyone. If you can’t tell by now, Abbi has to take the small celebrations where she can get them.
By the time Abbi, Ilana, and Morgan make it to the low-rent Sei-Wah bus, everyone is about to snap, and Ilana actually does when Morgan eagerly tells her that Abbi and Darcy made out in the Hamptons once. When Ilana comes to, she’s furious (“You said you would do same-sex experimentation with me!” “I never said that.” “It was implied!”), and sits far away from Abbi and Morgan on the Grossest Bus of All Time™. If you’ve ever taken Fung Wah, the bus this joke is based off of, is pretty well parodied — the bus driver had an eyepatch, someone was playing with a stuffed raccoon, someone else was clipping their toenails in the aisle, one of the passengers was a furry. When the bus stops short and a passenger spills fish all over Abbi and Morgan, not even Morgan’s relaxation mix could keep them calm. All three scamper off of the bus, Morgan blames everything on Ilana, and when Abbi sticks up for Ilana, Morgan calls them “druggy lesbian Jews.” It doesn’t matter; they’re a duo, and the Trifecta doesn’t matter the way it once did. Abbi gets back into Ilana’s good graces by changing into Lincoln’s clothes and letting Ilana peek, and the Morgan story comes to its naturally strange ending when they show her brother going down on her in a bathtub. Godspeed, Morgan, you certifiable weirdo.
In the end, it’s just Abbi and Ilana, as it’s meant to be, doing a victory lap at Thursts Gentlemen’s club simply because they’re wearing suits and they can.
Favorite Lines and Moments
- Getting insurance for everything: Potholes, trees, weather, God, and transition insurance for when the agent drives the truck around.
- Morgan on still being single: “This year I opened myself up to minorities, and still NOTHING!”
- Ilana stealing her old catering uniform and thinking it was appropriate formalwear for a wedding.
- Neither was concerned about missing Darcy’s wedding because she invited 300 people, but when they cut to the church, it was completely empty.
- “These aren’t braces, just mouth scaffolding. I went to Nicaragua for them, just to hold my teeth in.”
- “What are those?”
“What do they do?”
“They loosen your butthole.”
“Why are you taking them right NOW?”
- Ilana’s double entendre about Thrusts: “They remodeled; this used to be carpet, but I love hardwood floors.” I see what you did there, Ilana.