The Real Israeli-Palestinian Crisis is My Lack of Knowledge About it, by Evan Waite

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My ignorance of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict shows no signs of stopping, and is from all indications worse than ever. It’s time to take a good, hard look at how uninformed I am.

Just this week, I heard someone say that the death toll rose in Gaza after Israel escalated its air assault. Whatever side of this conflict you find yourself on, I think we can all agree it is truly heartbreaking that I don’t understand what the term “Gaza” means.

Is it some sort of army base? Or a mythical mountain where the gold is hidden? I’m pretty sure it’s not underwater.

Left unchecked, the repercussions of this ignorance will be felt for years to come. Especially once I start raising children and have to teach them stuff.

Just this week, hundreds of people were wounded in attacks presumably unleashed by the king of Israel, who may or may not be that Arafat guy I heard Craig Ferguson mention in a monologue once. I didn’t really understand the joke, but I laughed anyway because he made a funny face.

Day after day, the dire situation inside my brain continues to deteriorate. As recently as a few days ago, I wasted nearly 20 minutes on Google Earth trying to locate the city of Hamas.

If not dealt with immediately, my lack of basic geopolitical understanding is likely to spread to the region surrounding my apartment. Just think what could happen if I were to tell my neighbor Julio the conflict in Israel was caused by the Jerusalem witch trials. There’s no telling how bad things could get if dangerously incorrect material like this were to fall into the hands of extreme idiots like Julio.

We must act now if we are to have any hope of fixing this cognitive calamity. The time for talking about how shocking it is that I graduated from high school has passed.

I am demanding that President Obama allocate $125  a week to send a knowledgeable history tutor to my home every Tuesday and Thursday. While it won’t fix things overnight, these advisors are my only hope of one day understanding why Israel refuses to get rid of the Confederate flag even though the people on Mount Gaza hate it.

Anytime after 5:30 is good.

Evan Waite is a contributor at The OnionClickHole, Mad Magazine, Someecards, TL; DR Wikipedia, and is a staff writer at United Stations Radio Networks, where he creates daily comedy packets that are distributed to several hundred radio stations across the country. His website is www.evanwaite.com.

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