This Candlelight Vigil Is In Full Effect!, by Django Gold

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Alright! Yeah! Now that’s what I’m talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, I heard this candlelight vigil was going to be off the chain, but even I didn’t see this one coming. It looks like just about everyone in Bloomdale came out tonight, and I know all you crazy party animals have only got one thing on your minds: finding Caitlin Ashfield and bringing her home safe and sound! Woo!

You know, when I first learned that one of our own had been reported missing, I knew what we had to do for our beloved daughter, sister, friend, and Bloomdale High School classmate: throw the wildest, rowdiest, most ass-kicking candlelight vigil the world has ever seen — and you people did not disappoint! Because if there’s one thing we do in this town, it’s support each other in times of need, and that means raising the roof! Am I right? You know I am! So let’s make some noise! Let me hear you scream if you’re pumped about finding Cait-linnnnn!

Woo! Now let’s see those candles, people! Light ‘em up, light ‘em up! Yeah, it’s like a big ol’ Christmas tree out there. Here in Bloomdale, we do CVs the right way; here, it’s go big or go home. You know what they say: Ain’t no vigil like a Bloomdale vigil, ‘cause a Bloomdale vigil don’t stop! Until we have our Caitlin back, that is.

Man, you guys are crazy. I’ve been to some pretty epic vigils in the past — 1,000 Lights for Leukemia, Stop War Now, that rager we put on last fall for the Boy Scouts of Troop 219 — but what we’re doing tonight blows all those two-bit, rinky-dink productions right out of the water. Seriously, you guys need to give yourselves a round of applause, because this is a vig’ for the ages.

And now that we’re all riled up, this next one’s a little tricky. Because, wherever Caitlin is right now, I think we can all agree that it’s the uncertainty that’s worst of all. And you know that, at the end of the day, everyone here just wants one thing: closure. So, how about it, nice and loud? Left side of the stage: “Clo!” Right side: “Sure!”

Clo! … Sure! … Clo! … Sure! Aw, hell yeah!

By the way, who’s in charge of the tuneage here? I’ve got three words for you: “Fire. And. Rain.” Crank that shit!

You know, I gotta say, when I look out there, I don’t just see hundreds of the craziest vigil-heads in the world sporting “We Miss You Caitlin” ribbons; I see a tight-knit community. And it’s really important that we lean on each other here, not just for Caitlin, but for all of us. Because right now everyone is hurting, people. We’re hurting for Caitlin, and it’s more than that. Because when something like this happens in a quiet, peaceful town like ours, it makes you question everything. Honestly, it can make you feel like the world’s a pretty scary place. And no matter how this plays out, I can guarantee you that things won’t be the same here in Bloomdale, not ever.

Woo!

But, hey, I’ve rambled on long enough. And now that you guys are amped up, it’s about time to get this show on the road, don’t you think? So, without further ado, may I present to you, the true MC you’ve all been waiting to hear from: Ladies and gentlemen, Caitlin’s mo-ommm!

Django Gold is a senior writer for The Onion. Follow him on Twitter if you want. It doesn’t matter. This all ends tomorrow.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.