I’m not going to bury the lede here, so let’s get right to Glenn’s toupee, shall we? I have so many questions.
1. Did the producers of Nashville know that we knew all along? Because I thought we were all just being polite and pretending not to notice the fact that Glenn was wearing Stuart Smalley’s wig.
2. Did Juliette know? Because she didn’t seem surprised at all when Glenn came to the door with a nude head. I mean, she didn’t scream or anything, so I’m assuming she knew.
3. If Juliette DID know, why didn’t she do something about it sooner? Couldn’t she have, I don’t know, staged a rug-ervention? Because Glenn looks ten times better without that wig — younger, sleeker, more, um, aerodynamic. And if the show is concerned that we might suddenly start confusing Bucky with Glenn (because they’re both ... bald!), excuse me while I laugh. This is a show that has no compunctions about giving us Rayna, Layla, and Layna, not to mention the Indistinguishable Men of Nashville, but this is a concern?
In closing: #FreeGlennsHead.
Speaking of Glenn, Juliette finally told him she’s pregnant. However, she still hasn’t told Avery, so Glenn took it upon himself to go over to Avery’s den of drunkenness and make some cryptic references to Juliette’s condition: “She’s like my kid, and someday, you’re going to understand, you can’t ever give up on your kids” — like maybe if he used the word your enough in reference to kids, Avery would magically figure things out. (Unfortunately, in Avery’s current state, figuring out where the toilet bowl is when he needs to hurl would constitute a major accomplishment.)
At this point, Juliette’s brilliant “plan” is to hide her pregnancy from the producers of the Patsy Cline movie (“I’ll just say I put on a few pounds for the role, and people will love it — hell, I’ll probably even get an award,” she quips) and then give up her baby for adoption. Which is a completely logical plan in a world where TMZ monitors “baby bumps” like the NSA monitors random-citizen phone calls. (Aaand that probably just put me on a list.)
Juliette wants to tell Avery, but he’s literally too drunk to have a conversation with — ever. Even after she bails him out of jail — hers is the only phone number he has memorized — she can’t talk to him. He just screams a lot. He doesn’t want to love her, he says, he doesn’t want to hate her, he just wants to “nothing” her. (“I just called to say I nothing you”?).
Also, Juliette has a tiny little miscarriage scare (turns out it’s just some normal first-trimester spotting) and she calls Rayna. With Glenn and Rayna basically acting like Juliette’s parents this week, I’m not sure my heart can take it.
One thing I like about Nashville is that they always give us someone to focus our rage on. No Luke this episode (high five, everybody!), so instead, they give us Pam, the Deacon stalker-lady who, on top of having zero shame in her game, actually thinks she is hi-larious. So first Deacon skulks out of her room while she’s in the shower so he can go to an AA meeting. (Dear show: I enjoyed shirtless and pantless Deacon very much, but is it too much to ask for just a tiny bit of ass next time? Love, Me.) And damned if Pam doesn’t follow him. I literally wrote in my notes: “That stage-three clinger better actually be an alcoholic, or she is going to have some ’splainin’ to do.” And, lo and behold, a few scenes later, there’s Pam, downing shots with the boys.
“You’re not even in AA,” Deacon accuses.
“I’m in Triple A, does that count?” she says. (Ba-dum-chh!)
Then, when he calls her out on her rather-inexcusable behavior, she apologizes for making light of his alcoholism.
“The booze jokes were below the belt, and I apologize. I should’ve gone with something about your endless supply of denim shirts.” (Bazinga!)
Then, to make matters worse, she actually starts to grow on Deacon, fungus-style, and soon they’re making endless sexual innuendos about buses (you had to be there) and having quickies in the back room of gas stations (eww!) and riding around on a motorcycle together — all clearly things that Deacon should be doing with Rayna. (Well, except for the quickie at the gas station, 'cause Rayna only has sex on surfaces with an 1,800 thread count).
As annoying as Pam is, I will give the show props on one front: She’s age-appropriate, which, come to think of it, has been true of all of Deacon’s temporary and doomed-to-fail interchangeable Rayna James replacements — I mean, uh, girlfriends. So at least there’s that.
This was finally the week that the adorable Laura Benati got to actually do something as Sadie Stone besides just tweet about it. (Until now, she seemed, as commenter Trumpet Strumpet aptly pointed out, like a “Make-a-Wish kid getting her dream cameo on Nashville.”) But despite Sadie’s endless fangirling over Rayna, I’m still not sure if she’s trouble or not.
Exhibit A: She seemed awfully eager to disclose details of Rayna’s wedding, first “joking” that she was going to win the Vegas bet on who designed Rayna’s dress, and then “pretending” she was going to sell a photo of the dress to the paparazzi. (She’s as funny as Pam!)
Exhibit B: She had no compunctions about having Thelma and Louise’s Excellent Adventure with Rayna, all the while knowing she was planning on signing with Jeff. Of course, in the end, Rayna dropped this devastating line on her: “Edgehill didn’t make me; I made Edgehill” — leaving Sadie no choice but to cave and sign with Highway 65. But I’ve got my eye on you, Possibly Shady Sadie! (Right now, picture me doing that thing where I point two fingers at my eyes and then point them back at her, De Niro–style).
Related: Would a real friend let Rayna wear that monstrosity of a dress? It looked like something out of a tacky Antony and Cleopatra theme party. Unless Luke will be wearing a matching toga and a golden crown of leaves, say no to the dress.
Anyway, now that Sadie is signing with Highway 65, Jeff is even more angry, because he’s not a hypocrite at all and he didn’t recently do the exact same thing with Will Lexington (ahem). I knew things were going to get bad when Jeff watched Daphne and Maddie from backstage and began licking his chops like a Doberman salivating over a giant hunk of meat. Then he seduced Teddy (oh, Teddy) over nine holes of golf, and now he and the mayor are bros for life, and he’ll soon be tricking Teddy into signing the girls to Edgehill. Poor Teddy: These are not the story lines he’s looking for.
(I actually love the idea of Jeff wanting to sign Maddie and Daphne, though, especially with Maddie going through this rebellious, “I hate my parents and no one understands me and only my guitar knows the truth” phase. Could get good.)
Let me ask you guys something: Let’s just say you have a girlfriend (name rhymes with “Snowy”), and that girlfriend, fairly or not, is jealous of your ex (name rhymes with “Starlet”). Is it a wise idea to plan a surprise party for said girlfriend that requires lots of sneaking around in walk-in freezers and secret phone calls with your ex? I’m going to go with no, but that’s exactly what Gunnar and Scarlett do. I mean, the party was a nice gesture and all, but way to add to the atmosphere of paranoia, kids. Also, Zoey? When you’re in the “checking his cell phone for calls to other women” phase of the relationship? It’s already over.
Next week, Juliette finally tells Avery ... via text message? Oh, no, she didn’t.