I left you all last week with lots of questions, and after this week’s episode — well, as par for the course, I only have more of them — but at least we did get some answers. We know a bit more about Kai, that Alaric functions better on bourbon than blood, what Sheriff Forbes looked like with a Pamela Anderson haircut … and the mysterious paternity of new girl Sarah was revealed!
So let’s get down to our recap, because we’ve got some ground to cover:
Right off the bat, minus 100 for no Caroline in this episode. She confessed she had feelings for Stefan and then just disappeared? Whatever, let’s just say she was busy doing what Caroline does when she’s sad: curling her hair and trying on her old Miss Mystic pageant dresses.
Opening scene, May 10, 1994. Everyone keeps repeating this date so much, I’m wondering if I should put it in my Gmail calendar, like I did with 1864.
So Kai won’t tell them how to get home unless Damon shares his secret pain? Sounds more like a therapist and less like a psychotic villain if you ask me. Minus 10.
“Maybe ‘cause I don’t want to talk about the worst thing I ever did, Bonnie.” So, to get this straight, whatever happened here is worse than snapping Jeremy’s neck that one time? Or the time you stole your brother’s girl? Or the time you killed an entire family line of innocent people? Or the time — never mind, you get the point. Minus 10.
We’re back in the 90’s, which means … Zach Salvatore’s back! We missed you, buddy. (I think.) Plus 12.
Elena is taking townie to a whole new level. Why convince Stefan to stay? There are other places in the world besides Mystic Falls. Fun, small towns with quaint charm and oddball characters, where everyone you love hasn’t died. Maybe try Stars Hallow for a change of pace? Minus 22.
Stefan’s face at Elena threatening to bother him with “Enzo-size harassment”= priceless. Plus 4.
“Atta boy, get ‘er all out.” Top-notch pseudo-parenting, Alaric. Plus 8.
“Hey, I did my part — she wasn’t in the Salvatore liquor cabinet.” I miss shirtless, overconfident, I’m Totally in Denial Jeremy. Can we get some of that swag back? Minus 10.
“Why don’t you throw an STD screening while you’re at it.” Adulthood/Alaric. Ship it. Plus 50.
The blue-eyed doctor is making eyes at Alaric, which obviously makes me question her life, her choices, and her mental health. No points, because either she’s going to die or she’s psycho. (But sure, I’d totally watch them make out.) Plus 6.
So … is Matt still working at the grill? Does this town-protection gig pay at all? I just feel a lot of concern for Matt and how he’s making money and affording his car-insurance payments, guys. Someone, anyone, please give him a real job. Minus 8.
New web series pitch: Ian and Paul at the car wash, in various stages of undress, in different eras. We’ll call it “Sudsing Up With the Salvatore Studs.” (TVD writers, if you can’t give me Steroline, at least give me this?) Plus 100 for Ian’s biceps.
Ladies and Gents, here we go again: Introducing the Convenient Magical Object 5.0 … the Ascendant! It kind of looks like a bigger version of the Gilbert watch/compass thing. Why do they need it to get out of the '90s? Stay tuned.
Stefan complaining to Elena about Ivy’s death: ugh. Why are we even pretending he liked this girl? We all know his sexual orientation is “Caroline.” Minus 15.
“Stefan … health insurance?” Yeah, I’m with our girl Elena on this one. Dude, nobody wants to be human that much. Like, if the next time I renew my health insurance, there’s a new option, “become vampire instead and never have to pay for this shit again,” I’m checking that box. Minus 8.
How could Elena have gone through this entire day with Stefan — cringe-inducing faux-proposal included — and not have mentioned even ONCE that her lovely, sweet, kind BFF Caroline has been pining for her ex-boyfriend? And that he was a total jerk to her and should apologize and bring her flowers and chocolates? Minus 15.
“Caroline’s high-maintenance, but she’s worth it.” Someone, put that on her … well, we can’t say gravestone, I guess, so — future business card? Plus 10.
“Yeah, but I wanted to feel your hand on my chest.”
“Something not right about him.”
Not right about him, Bonnie? Don’t think I didn’t see your “this boy’s kinda hot in a bad, bad way” expression — have you already forgotten poor, sweet, drunk Jeremy? Minus 12.
Alaric reciting all the people who’ve died: yikes. Now I want to go hide in the Salvatore liquor cabinet. Minus 4.
After convincing Elena that he’s fine and dandy living his new, fake life — Stefan lets some guy beat him to an immortal pulp in the bar. Guess he’s not coping so well after all. (Plus 20 because neither was I.)
“We may be having a bit of an argument, but don’t you ever lay a hand on her.” Bamon fans, there’s your fan-fic writing prompt. Rejoice. Plus 20 because it was kinda hot.
“You loved Damon for the same reasons I loved him. Because in spite of every single evil thing he did, we couldn’t live without him.” Plus 50. I had to get the tissues out for this one. Thank goodness Stefan told her.
Sarah is Zach’s kid! (And Damon killed both her parents. Of course.) Plus 20 because that will be an interesting first convo when Damon finally comes home.
I’m proud of Elena: While part of me wishes she’d just asked for her memories back and suffered through the grief, another part is happy she’s okay with trying to move on. Plus 20. (Even though we know she won’t, and that we’ll hear the phrase “love that consumed you” at least ten more times before the end of season six. We get it, she was consumed. It hurt so good.)
Another 100 points for Matt — the human is getting shit done and giving the paranormals a run for their money. Trip has Enzo in the basement and is going to torture him to give up the names of the other vampires … but not if Matty Blue Blue has anything to say about it.
Stefan working on Damon’s car: sob. Plus 8.
Plot twist! Ivy, Stefan’s dead girlfriend that no one cared about, is back … and she’s not so dead. Enzo gave her vampire blood, and it looks like Stef has another baby vampire to protect. Plus 30 because that’s what he does best, with the hero hair to match.
Alright, kiddos, we’re in the green again this week! But things aren’t looking so good for Damon and Bonnie, who are in a tough spot (and that’s not just because the '90s were fashionably questionable.) Will they help Kai free to massacre more people, or sacrifice themselves instead? When is Alaric going to get his groove back? And, of course — are Caroline and Stefan ever going to take a joyride in the “grannymobile”?
I guess we’ll have to tune in next week to find out, but in the meantime, I’m here: Twitter.