Would You Like to Buy a Sack of Bees? by Brian Agler

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I know you’re here at the farmers market to buy apples, cucumbers, and various produce—but why don’t you come check out what I have to offer.

Yes, just step over the border of the high-school parking lot, where the rules and regulations of the farmers market don’t apply. I promise you, it will be worth it.

What I’m selling is organic, locally sourced, and better than anything you’ll find in your normal supermarket.

It’s a sack of bees! Angry, excitable bees that you can take home, today! No no, don’t go! Don’t worry, I tied the sack up real tight. The bees won’t get out.

I’m sorry, I think you’re misunderstanding. These sacks aren’t filled with honey, or beeswax. They are filled to the brim with bees. Actual bees.

Do you hear the buzzing? That’s the bees.

These are Grade-A bees. Sure, there is no official bee grading system, but I made one myself. These bees got an A because of their coloring, the length of their stingers, and the fact that I was able to get them in the sack.

Let me tell you a little more about my bees.

The bees come from a small farm I own up in the Hudson River Valley. I grow tomatoes, and raise cows, but mainly it’s about the bees—specifically bees that I’m going to put in sacks and then sell in the Tri-state area.

Buzz buzz buzz. Oh man, they sound angry today. They do not want to be in this sack.

Let me tell you about the sack.

The sack is made from 100% burlap, handcrafted by local artisans. It’s a top-of-the-line sack, great for holding bees—although, I should point out, if you open the sack the bees will fly out and they will be ornery. A sack is not a bee’s natural habitat.

Once the bees are out, good luck getting them back in. But don’t worry, even if you can’t refill your sack with bees, you’ve still got yourself an empty sack! That’s included in the purchase price of only $25.

One sack contains 1,000 bees. How do I know that? I counted. I counted every bee. Did I get stung? Of course I did; bees do not like to be counted. But that’s what makes my bees special. When you buy your bees at Wal-Mart or Costco, all you know is that you’re getting a sack of bees, and they just throw the bees in there, they don’t count.

Sometimes, they undercount them. That means you won’t have enough bees. Sometimes, they overcount them. That means you have too many bees! I’d say that’s even worse!

Now, I know what you may be thinking, “$25 is a lot for a sack of bees.” But remember, these aren’t normal factory farmed bees. These are angry bees that my son Jeffrey and I lovingly cared for and then put in sacks. Where is Jeffrey? He’s at the hospital. Jeffrey is allergic to bees.

If you buy one of my bee sacks, I can make the following guarantees:

• You will get all the bees you paid for. No more, no less.

• The bees will be upset.

• You won’t be able to control the bees.

• They will sting you.

• Jeffrey used his EpiPen, so he will be ok.

So, how many sacks do you want?

Brian Agler is a writer living Washington, D.C.. His work has appeared online in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and in real life at various shows throughout New York City. He has a website, and also tweets, if that’s something you’re in to.

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