This episode begins with jar of farts.
The kids have decided to “get into canning,” and their first attempt is Air de Derriere. Hoping it will turn into a fartcicle if placed in the frozen, they take their fart jar to the basement freezer. As they leave, Teddy comes storming in with news of his recent physical.
“Guess who just went to the doctor for his five-year checkup?” he screams.
“Kirstie Alley,” Linda replies.
Teddy informs the Belchers that his cholesterol levels are dangerously high, and that his daily burger habit is to blame. Later, a guilt-stricken Bob has a nightmare that he’s shoving burgers directly into Teddy’s heart. “I’m killing Teddy,” he says before jolting awake.
The next day, the kids check on their canned fart. Because fartcicles are not actually possible (or at least not by freezing a jar of grade A fart), the jar remains empty - apart from the fart. But, after Tina slips on spilled water that iced over, they get another idea and cover the freezer floor in water. Because if there’s one thing the Belcher children are good at, it’s getting another idea.
Now back to Teddy and the burger chef who’s slowly killing him. Bob secretly serves Teddy a veggie burger, but Teddy’s palate is far too refined to let it pass. After being told he’s been cut off from meat burgers, Teddy loses what’s left of his mind and threatens to kill Bob. (He does not kill Bob.)
It’s now morning, and Bob’s alarm clock causes both he and Linda to groan miserably. It’s clearly earlier than they’re used to, and we learn that the buttons on the clock don’t work - meaning the only way to turn it off is to (as Louise shouts from the other room), “UNPLUG THE ALARM CLOCK!” While getting ready to take Teddy jogging, Linda and Bob argue over whether or not Teddy is Bob’s best friend. Linda asserts that he is. Bob argues that he is not, opting for the lesser title of “best customer” instead. But here Bob is, waking up early to make sure his best customer’s heart “doesn’t explode.”
Once in the park, Bob and Teddy stumble upon a group of men rolling around the grass and reacting to fake grenade explosions. Turns out, it’s a new exercise fad called “Stunt Man Bootcamp.” Bob and Teddy are intrigued and ask for more information.
Meanwhile, the kids are intrigued by the new ice skating rink in the basement freezer. Linda becomes wise to their creation when the neighborhood kids begin showing up in droves, but instead of being upset after realizing what they’ve done, she convinces them all to wear costumes and creates a game called Freezerdome. Freezerdome is simple: “Two kids enter. One kid leaves.” Meaning Linda will pit kid against kid on the ice (each costumed and covered in pillows as padding), and the first one to hit their butt to the floor loses. After a number of (kind of boring) rounds, the final two are declared to be Zeke and Louise.
Meanwhile, Teddy’s burger withdrawal rears its ugly head when he pays a stranger $300 to buy a burger for him. While attempting to eat it secretly in the bathroom, a still-guilty Bob tells him that, as his best friend, he wants to take him to Stunt Man Bootcamp. Overwhelmed by the excitement of having a best friend, Teddy agrees and Linda sings.
Best friends ‘til the very end!
He crashes on your couch when he loses his job.
A guy pulls a knife and you jump in front.
You take the blade right in the gut,
then he holds your hand ‘til the medic comes.
You’ll feed him soup when he breaks his jaw.
You’ll help him pee when he has that thing.
He’s your best friend!
While at boot camp, Bob falls down a flight of stairs and is thrown through sugar glass, all in the name of cardio via stunts. It’s all going, eh, kind of sort of well, but after a sleepless night due to Teddy’s snoring, an exhausted Bob reveals to the boot camp owners that Teddy is not actually his best friend, but rather his best customer. The camera pans, expectedly, to Teddy, who has overheard. Unexpectedly, he is on fire. (It apparently burns calories.) “Those words hurt more than that fire,” he tells Bob.
After an anticlimactic finals round in the FREEZERDOME (yeesh, this was a disappointing subplot), during which Louise wins after Gene incapacitates Zeke with the canned fart smell, we find Bob and Teddy in the car on their drive back from Stunt Man Bootcamp. Teddy wants nothing to do with Bob, and asks to be dropped off at the town’s other burger joint: a chain called Dusty’s Feedbag. Once back at the restaurant, Mort informs Bob that the special at Dusty’s Feedbag is a five-pound burger that, if eaten in 30 minutes or less, is free. Convinced that’s what Teddy has ordered (and also that Teddy is his best friend), he rushes back to the Feedbag.
Bob arrives just as the burger is being served to Teddy. He tells the manager, Kevin, to take it back. Kevin refuses. Bob keeps trying. Kevin keeps refusing. Bob keeps trying. Kevin calls him a “fat Burt Reynolds.” Bob keeps trying. Kevin throws him through the window and onto the sidewalk. Bob is picked up by Teddy and taken back to the restaurant, where he carries him over the threshold and onto the ice floor in the basement where his wounds can heal.
Best friends ‘til the very end.