Who among us will call CPS about Javi being out on the street all day and night?
Jake “Call me Captain Ballard” Ballard is innocent, and don’t think he’ll ever let anyone forget it, least of all Fitz. In 20 years, these two will be Odd Couple–ing in the jam cabin after Mellie and Olivia realize they’re destined for each other, and every day will be like this:
Jake: Fitz, you left the lid off the sugar jar again!
Fitz: [Drunk] Ehhhhhhh oooOOOOOOOLIVIAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa.
Jake: We’re gonna get ants! I guess nothing is as bad as the time you beat my ass and threw me in a maximum-security prison despite my innocence, but I don’t like to spray Raid in the house near my fichus.
They’re not friends, and they’re never going to be friends again. Jake is taking his ball and going home, but not before he gets into the ultimate pissing match about Olivia. While everyone is trying to figure out how to arrest Rowan, and Jake is in the background, thumping his chest and saying, “Yeah, she’s my GIRLFRIEND. Stand in the SUN, YEAH. With my GIRLFRIEND. That’s one of our CATCHPHRASES, because she’s my GIRLFRIEND, YEAH.” Has prison changed you that much, Puppy Eyes? You were in there for, like, a week, calm down. He eventually chimes in that he has access to thousands of B613 files, but not before pissing a gentle circle around Fitz’s feet for good measure.
Catching Rowan is going to be hard — he’s the devil incarnate and smarter than Stephen Hawking getting a piggyback ride from Alan Turing — so they decide to keep Jake in jail to prevent Rowan from catching on. They even bring David in to do all the lawyerin’, giving Jake another chance to be indignant about the files he asked David to move on months ago. No one likes a show-off, Jake! We know you were planning for this and everyone let you down, but now your beautiful face is all sliced up (THOSE BASTARDS) and you’re actually kind of powerless right now, so join the team. What is Jake going to do when he gets out of jail — consultant work? Full-time crybabying? I’m crossing my fingers he takes up quilting.
Liv took on Liz North as a client when she needed to check if her phone was bugged, so we finally got to learn a little more about her, namely, that Michael never passed Liz any information beyond the military-base closings he mentioned last week. What’s Michael doing with all of those pictures? Is he still struggling with Carcosa and starting a True Detective crime wall in his new, Cyrus-owned apartment? For a minute it looked like Cyrus was going to kill him, but his boner won out and they just had sex instead.
Vice-President Nichols made an appearance this week; first, his car was blown up, then, when Mellie came to check his temperature with her vagina, he ripped all of the buttons off of her shirt during an impromptu sex session. How was she supposed to get out of the office after they were done, with her shirt all torn up? It’s not like she had a sweater with her. You have to think ahead, people! I guess they could call Secret Service and have one of the New Toms™ bring her a shirt.
But Nichols still had one big reveal left in him! When Huck and Quinn’s surveillance projects dovetailed at Liz North’s secret apartment, we realize that Liz is the one who hired Kubiak, and probably the one who wanted all of those pictures of Liv. Before we can figure out why, someone knocks on the door, and it’s VP Nichols! And then they start boning! What in the what! I was totally surprised, and I absolutely wasn’t expecting that twist. Nichols made fun of his affair with Mellie, so now I’m totally confused about his endgame.
Finally, Olivia offered herself up as Rowan bait by calling him to cry about the mean men in her life, but he’s already 95 steps ahead of everyone. You can’t play a player, Liv! Rowan looks her right in the eye and says, “I know I was a shitty dad, but nothing is as shitty as you finding out I am in the process of killing the guys Fitz and Jake had stationed across the street, and oh, yeah, HOW DARE YOU LET YOUR BOYFRIEND TRY TO KILL ME.” Just as we realize what’s going on, David Rosen is simultaneously realizing that every single B613 file has been replaced with blank pieces of paper! Instead of Rowan being exposed and arrested, at least five guys are dead, the case against him has been demolished, and Rowan slipped into the night.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
Leaderboard of Arbitrary Points, Week 8
+8,000 points to Jake for adopting “Say My Name” as his new theme song.
–14,650 points to Liv for taking Cyrus on as a client while she was representing Liz. I know he’s your friend, but you’re not a double agent.
+45,000 points for:
No one is killing anyone.”
“Oh, someone is killing someone!”
–67,200 points to Rowan for playing Liv like a fiddle. At first I thought he was developing early onset Alzheimer’s with all of that “I miss you, why don’t we have dinner anymore?” stuff, but he was using his role as her father to test her. That’s filthy! But damn if it didn’t work.
+500 points to Jake for his, “Oh, man, I wish I’d used these files sooner” jabs at David.
–1,300,442 points to Fitz for the resurgence of his rape-y, “you know you want it,” slimy approach to getting Liv to kiss him. I’ve had it with him pushing her up against walls and insisting on affection against her will; it’s not sexy, it’s creepy, and I wish that this major part of their relationship dynamic didn’t revolve around him pushing her around.
+2,399 points to Liv’s complete lack of chill around kids. “Hi, I’m Olivia, who are you?” She won’t turn it off for anything, and for this, I salute her.
–7,611 points from the sun, because Jake and Olivia have turned it into the new “Making jam in Vermont” and I will. Not. Have. It.
+8,900 points to Liv and Fitz for this:
“We have to lure him somewhere.”
“Your father is not a small child.”
–6,150 points to Michael for saying, “It doesn’t feel like you want me to go.” Never show up at a man’s house unannounced and then use his boner against him, Michael!
+12,322 very-gross points for the way Huck slowly killed Kubiak by lowering his neck onto a shard of glass while Quinn stabbed Kubiak in the arm repeatedly with a screwdriver. It was like watching a water balloon pop. Javi is going to be traumatized for days.
–76,088 points to Andrew for saying, “This is the first time you’ve looked at me in months.” HER GODDAMN SON DIED, ANDREW, SO MAYBE DIAL IT BACK A NOTCH.
+300 points to nerdy little David: “I’ve been told these files are organized and color-coded.”
Do you believe all of Rowan’s fire-and-brimstone stuff about protecting Liv? Is B613 going underground with him? Are we okay with the fact that Liv tried to have her dad killed?
See you next week!