The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Bawl So Hard

Photo: Bravo
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Episode Title
Burying the Ratchet
Editor’s Rating

Congratulations, the Patriarchy — we now live in a world where women are afraid to try on shoes because they’re between pedicures.

Why is Cynthia flexing so hard? Why isn’t Kandi flexing at all? Why can’t Porsha carry out one adult conversation without becoming a mess of deflections? Why is Rickey Smiley yelling so much first thing in the goddamn morning? Calm the hell down, Rickey Smiley! It’s too early for all of that! I think this week was one of the better episodes because it featured all of the women in their full glory, like peacocks on parade, but it’s never been more evident how fractured they are as a whole.

We’ve basically got two groups again, but instead of the Talls versus the Smalls, it’s the Righteous and the Unholy, or the Stank and the Stankier, or the Seriously You’re All Miserable Why Can’t You Make It Work. The first group — Kenya, Claudia, and Cynthia — have been annexed by way of fighting too much or being guilty by association. Claudia is surprised that Porsha is icing her out since they sort of work together, but she’s just figuring out that Porsha has the emotional maturity of a 2-year-old curled up inside of a 1-year-old, like the old lady who swallowed a fly.

I like Claudia — she’s funny and real in a way that the other women are not, now being so aware that they’re on TV and have personas. I like that she wants to be valued for her intelligence instead of what she looks like, and that she’ll say that out loud. Also? She’s funny. I genuinely laughed at her “struggle toes.” It was painful to watch her try to mend things with Porsha after Kenya suggested they have lunch. I resent that she feels like she even has to try to smooth things over with this immature dolt. Porsha walked in like she had a car parked between her thighs, Yosemite Sam–ing her way to the table, only to coo at Claudia that of course everything was cool and nothing is wrong. Is that why she won’t let the woman get a word in edgewise? Porsha cut her off the minute Claudia asked if she was willing to talk to Kenya one day, and then did it again when she put on lotion and changed the subject to Tom Ford fragrances. Thankfully, Claudia laughed and called her out, but it was painful to watch Porsha try to be in control when she was so clearly not. When she said, “We’re both being paid for our intellectual mind-frame,” I stood up and screamed, “No, you’re not, dummy, only Claudia is!” I yell at my TV a lot when I watch this show; it’s my version of a horror movie. I feel like Claudia is going to tolerate Porsha just to make sure their work relationship doesn’t suffer, and I can’t believe someone so mature agreed to be on this show in the first place.

Speaking of maturity, who else do you know that runs a multi-million-dollar company but can’t look her employees in the eye? I am beyond frustrated with Kandi! What happened to that therapist she was seeing last season? BRING HIM BACK. It was utterly embarrassing watching her roll her eyes all around the room, say three words, and then let Todd jump in to run the meeting. First of all, Todd, no one is taking you seriously while you sit in that hot-pink leather chair. Second of all, Don Juan is 100 percent correct and has every right to be pissed off about the fact that Kandi is letting Todd step in and take over simply because they’re married. I can understand supporting your spouse, but stomping all over the place and telling everyone they aren’t pulling their weight when it comes to making your wife a star is the absolute wrong approach to any situation. He only gets away with it because Kandi is a doormat and has learned from the fucked-up relationship she has with her mother that doing whatever people want is the best way to show you love them. Todd has no business telling anyone there what to do, and if they’re slacking, it’s because Kandi lets them slack. I can’t believe Don Juan’s fight with Todd ended with a calm resolution after Todd had the nerve to say, “We have a black president! Kandi should be collaborating with him!” Does he want her to drop an album with the leader of the free world? Give him a sack of her Bedroom Kandi dildos? In what world does this make sense, Todd? If anything, this type of logic is the prime argument for you not getting to have any say in this business, as you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about. It was weird that Don Juan told Kandi he missed his mother’s wedding but he planned hers. I know that was supposed to make him sound like a great employee, but it mostly made me think he makes horrible decisions. Go to your mama’s wedding, fool!

The second group — Phaedra, NeNe, Porsha, and Kandi — decided to have a spa day. Who says “My body is already quivering” before she has a massage, Porsha? Stop trying to gross us out! Phaedra is so careful in her confessionals now that she sounds like a politician trying not to get caught for deviant sexual behavior, and it is very off-putting. NeNe thinks Apollo was lying about lying, and refuses to forgive Kenya for anything. It’s not surprising, but it is disappointing; even though no one can remember why they were fighting in the first place, NeNe feels the need to hold on to this grudge. I loved that Kandi said NeNe had so many fallouts, it was hard to keep track, even though it didn’t faze her at all. That was your chance, NeNe! Your chance to be a whole person and stop this snobby charade! Then again, NeNe also insists she was blindsided at the reunion, and even though she has “no hate for her and her Afro,” she doesn’t plan on being friends with Cynthia ever again. Fine! See if we care.

Meanwhile, Apollo is across town with Peter at BarOne, acting a straight fool. After downing a glass of booze in one shot, he tells Peter he can’t understand how this happened to him. Well, Apollo, think about the people you scammed — that might be a place to start. What’s strange to me is that Apollo was going on and on about how he was going to fight Phaedra for the chance to see his kids when he went to prison, but when Peter asked why he wasn’t with his kids right now, Apollo just looked at him like the slack-jawed pretty boy he is instead of coming up with an answer. Nothing about his behavior makes sense to me, though I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to garner as much sympathy as possible before he’s sent away. I didn’t understand one iota of their drunken logic surrounding the idea that Phaedra should be down with Apollo forever because she wanted to have sex with him when he got out of jail, but I puked in my mouth when, after Peter brought up Kenya, Apollo asked with a sly smile if Kenya was going to visit him in prison. What is wrong with this man? You have to help me, because I’m just defaulting to his being a slimy, immature douchebag.

Kandi at least tries to apologize to Kenya, though she picked the absolute worst moment to do so, leaning over during the cool-down period of their kickboxing class to say she was sorry. The women in the background were looking at them like they were crazy, even though you know that camera crew had to get permission from everyone to show them on camera. She could have stopped there, but Kandi is the ultimate instigator, so of course she told Kenya about the spa day, and of course Kenya got upset that everyone was still trying to find a way to “throw dirt” on her. She definitely got overly dramatic, stomping away to the bathroom and refusing to let the cameras in, but what did she expect? It’s shitty that NeNe and Phaedra are choosing to believe a lie, but Kenya has also given them plenty of ammo to dislike her simply for being herself. They’re never going to get along, so why get so upset? Find your other shoe, Kenya, and let it roll away.

After watching their adorable interstitial, I’m going to petition to have Ayden picking out puppies replace NeNe on the show. Did you die a little when he said “Stay in control” and “Excuse me! I’m walking the dog! I know all about dogs!” Wouldn’t you rather watch 40 more minutes of that than even one more minute of NeNe being a nasty bitch to everyone in her line of vision? We can make this happen, people.

Next week, Kandi has a full aneurysm and tries to get everyone together to hash out their feelings. Cynthia and NeNe have a showdown! Phaedra and Kenya have a screaming fight! It’s the worst possible decision that’s going to make for the best possible television. See you then!