The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Photo: Bravo
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Episode Title
Tea With a Side of Squashed Beef
Editor’s Rating

I’m still skeeved out by Apollo’s grabbiness last week. After all that, it’s surprising he’s nowhere to be found this time around, but then again, is it really? He clearly gives zero shits about his kids at this point, which is sad, because his are so cute, and that whole bedtime routine melted my cold, cold heart. Phaedra is on the “rough side of the mountain” with all of it, but still salty enough to say he should have married a wallflower if he couldn’t handle her boss-ness. Her success isn’t the problem, though! I don’t know about either of them right now — Phaedra really did try to bring Apollo into her path of 1 million businesses, but she also never stopped to ask what he wanted. And what he wants is to act like a 20-year-old unencumbered idiot man, apparently. All I know is Ayden saying, “Mr. President, we need you!” is enough to make me wish I could adopt them both.

It’s good that Kandi and her family, the Boomhauers, are subtitled, because the lockjaw that seems to run rampant in their gene pool makes my head hurt. Are cast members contractually obligated to spill the beans about every single conversation they have? Kandi wasted no time telling her mom about everything Sharon said, which gave the Mumbles Sisters a chance to trot out old-timey, nonsensical sayings like “Can’t come at me like a cabbage” and “Don’t come with all head and no ass.” You know that thing where you get your porn name if you combine your first pet’s name and the name of the street you grew up on (Rambo Smith, nice to meet you)? If you want to sound like Kandi’s mom and aunts, take the brand names of two types of food and combine it with your least favorite member of One Direction. “I told her not to take Hellman’s mayonnaise to my Hershey’s Kisses if she didn’t want to Harry my Styles.” Joyce’s new house deal went through and there was some conversation about how she wouldn’t give Kandi the keys, but all it does is confirm that she’s a garbage barge in the shape of a woman. Todd tried to talk to Kandi about it, but she did her usual thing of flapping her wings and flying away. I agree with him — they should totally have separate holidays if Joyce is going to be anywhere on the premises, because Kandi’s family is stubborn to the point of completely ridiculous. Basically, Sharon is dead, Kandi’s mom will never apologize, and I hope the Burusses all feel like absolute shit forever, amen.

I think Derek J breaks out his curling iron the way most people give a handshake. Cynthia tried to direct a makeover for Claudia even though she was dressed like an exploded hot dog, and he immediately started curling Claudia’s hair while they were talking about what he was going to actually do to her hair. Is that normal? I do my own hair so I don’t know how normal people work. NeNe sent Cynthia a text and invited her out to drinks, which Cynthia had to narrate before making a decision to go. They’re really pushing the fact that Claudia is biracial, which is confounding since she’s actually smart and interesting, but at least this week we get to meet her mom and grandmother. Can we take a moment to praise Lillian, her 90-year-old grandma who thinks women get big butts from eating too much and flirts with valets? I goddamn love her! Claudia did a good job of pretending that she chose a drag-queen bar for lunch instead of one of Bravo’s production assistants, and then pushed a really awkward conversation about how her mom never said “I love you” while a heavily made-up drag queen took their fruity-drink orders. It has to suck to have a parent never say I love you, but her mom made a good case with her “words mean nothing, I show you I love you with action” argument. She was like, “Oh, sorry I never say I love you. I only write it on everything and raised your ass by myself for your entire life.”

Why is Kenya getting an office for a job she doesn’t have yet? As much as saying “put me in a TV show!” seems to be how TV shows in Atlanta get made, getting an office just because you thought about getting a job is totally legit! I want to see Brandon’s glitter floor, but none of this seems feasible in the real world. Cynthia demanded that Kenya join her for this drinks meeting NeNe is putting together, and watching her flex continues to remind me of the little kid boss in BoJack Horseman. I love that they showed us how much the rent cost — it’s been so long since the RHOA franchise put a price tag on anything!

NeNe hasn’t stopped getting on my nerves since last season, but the fakeness this episode made my eyes twitch. It was pretty funny when she said she was “looking for a girl with a lot of weave in her hair” and the host pointed directly to Porsha, and how NeNe called back to She by Sheree (R.I.P.) by saying a video party without the video was like a fashion show with no fashions, but this drinks meeting pushed NeNe over the edge into asshole territory. The Hotwives of Orlando spoof came true last night when NeNe invited Porsha, Kenya, and Cynthia out for drinks to tell them she doesn’t want to be friends with them, but also wants to squash their beef, but not really? 

The first round was NeNe and Cynthia, but Kenya kept butting in so they both told her to shut up. Porsha and Kenya leave, and Cynthia and NeNe sort of work it out — NeNe said she might call Cynthia for lunch in a couple of years, and Cynthia kissed her a lot and gave that fake “I’m sorry if you think I hurt you” apology. As soon as they were done NeNe asked Cynthia to move so Porsha could sit in her spot. Friendship is great! These two are monsters. 

Round two was Cynthia and Porsha. NeNe and Kenya left to get drinks, then came back and loudly yelled “Cynthia! Porsha! Cynthia! Porsha!” until Porsha flipped out on Kenya. NeNe was yelling, too, but only Kenya got the brunt of it, because Porsha is hell-bent on holding a grudge. Cynthia and Porsha healed their rift, sort of? They hugged, which is housewife for “Bitch, I might.”

The final round was Kenya and Porsha, which is like trying to get honey badger to play with a snake. The surprising thing is that Kenya was the voice of reason — she kept saying everyone had a lot to be ashamed about and wanted to just move on while Porsha talked about needing the right energy for people to approach her. Excuse me, are you Miss Cleo? Kenya got up to hug her, and Porsha said, “Well if you’re accepting responsibility for everything that’s fine,” like the spoiled brat she is. I know we’re eight episodes in but I seriously cannot believe she’s put us in a position to forgive Kenya and make her seem like the normal one! The owner of the bar came out and Kenya flashed her legs at him, so now NeNe wants to be her best friend.

Until next week, that is! Cynthia and Peter are moving into a trash heap so their house will finally match their personalities, NeNe acts like an asshole to Claudia for no reason at all, and there’s a Roger Bob prayer circle when Kandi’s cast tells Kandi they all dated him. See you then!