It’s time for more spying/secret-agent/espionage/CIA adventures, and thank God: Lana and Archer traveled to Buenos Aires to extract an old season-one friend from a
disaster red herring. Conway Stern was the target, a.k.a. the guy who literally stabbed Archer in the back in the “Diversity Hire” episode. Archer used this opportunity to finally get back at Conway, and also, despite the mission, determined that he and Lana should hash out some parenting concerns. Back at not-ISIS HQ, Malory took a turn at babysitting, which, as you might expect, went about as well as Archer’s childhood.
The Highlight Reel
Slater kicked off the episode with his dickish attitude, penchant for sports analogies, and a phony mission proposition. His presence gave a lot of people at HQ trouble, especially Cheryl, who couldn’t quite grasp the concept of Slater — the name, as well as the man’s physical presence:
Cheryl: Also, there’s a Mr. Slater to see you.
Slater: Just Slater. It’s a mononym, like …
Malory: Jesus Christ!
Malory: He’s in here, you ritzy ditz!
[+1 to Slater for the quick-witted wordplay; +1 to Malory for Cheryl’s perfect new nickname.]
In toadying up to Slater for the freelance mission, Malory tried to play to her audience by whipping out a sports reference:
Malory: Kick it right through the basket for a home run.
[+1 to Malory for being fearless and trying new things in 2015.]
Slater douche-splained that Conway hadn’t betrayed ISIS, but had, in fact, completed a mission for the CIA way back in that season-one episode, and now he needed help in Argentina.
Lana: What operation is the CIA conducting in Argentina?
Slater: Oh, sorry, it’s called Operation Nunya.
Archer: As in beeswax, Lana.
Lana: Yes, I …
Archer: Dr. Kane, report to the burn unit.
Lana: To help a patient who’s been burnt?
Archer: … No.
[+1 to Slater for setting up the burn; +2 to Archer for executing, as well as for disappointing; and +3 to Lana for crushing the joke with literalism.]
When Archer found out it the target was in fact CONWAY STERN, he was not pleased. He used the word literally close to a dozen times, which made him ask a lot of existential questions about the word literally, including if and how he should be using it. Cheryl said he was overusing it, which was uncalled for and probably hurt his self-esteem, but P.S., okay, literally great that CONWAY STERN RETURNED, a spectacular season-six #tbt #blessed:
Obviously, Archer didn’t want the mission, but (also obviously) it’s not like he wasn’t going to take it. Slater compared it thusly:
Slater: About as rare as getting called up to the majors from single A ball.
Malory: Lana, I assume that was a sports analogy meant to be cutting, but we will take the mission, won’t we Sterling?
[+1 to Malory for her no-bullshit approach to parenting, mixology, and running a business.]
With her parents traveling abroad, AJ continued to be a cute, mostly quiet baby in this episode, and everybody at HQ wanted to babysit her. Unfortunately, nobody was really qualified, as Ray exemplified here:
Over in Argentina, Archer prepped (kind of) for his reunion with Conway, in particular for Conway’s comeuppance:
Lana: And can you promise that even though Conway—
Lana: —stabbed you in the back, you won’t do anything revenge-y and stupid when he opens the door?
Archer: Hmm, I wanna say no … REVENGE RAMPAGE!
[+1 to Archer for settling the score in his special, cavalier way.]
Pretty much everything about the fighting scene was perfect: the music, the cymbal crash, the cyborg insult, the Lana-making-tea-and-humming-self-awarely moments. It was like a beautiful mix of Mrs. Doubtfire meets a Bourne movie meets Bob’s Burgers.
Archer: Oh, good, you’re making tea. Cause I could use some with honey and lemon … and bourbon, but actually without the honey and the lemon … and the tea.
Lana: So just the bourbon?
Archer: Yeah, but I doubt if—
Archer: Oh, shut up, don’t ruin it, I had something for …
Conway: Puke Skywalker.
Archer: God dammit! Anyway, I doubt the robot has any bourbon, and I’m not really in the mood for a WD40 and Coke, unless that is literally the only thing to drink.
[+2 to Archer for continuing to use literally, as well as for the extravagant Archer cocktail requests; +10 to Conway for returning and stealing all of Archer’s punch lines again, something that happened multiple times throughout the episode and was a real treat, even through to the bitter end.]
How did Conway get his bionic arm? Obviously:
There was also a true gem of a #Conway&Malory4evr moment in here:
Archer: [Slater] asked us to come rescue you.
Conway: From what? Your mom’s antique vagina?
[+1 to Conway for playing hard to get in the weirdest way — what a MILF snob, right? Malory is a veritable deity, just take her out to dinner and worship her already.]
Speaking of Malory, she lost Archer and Lana’s baby while she was making herself a drink. (Classic.) She consulted Pam and Cheryl to help her find AJ, because they are clearly the female versions of the Hardy Boys, or just Nancy Drew times two (take your pick) — just more perverted and averse to heroics.
Pam: Hey, is it too much to ask during the goddamn workday for two separate sessions of 80 uninterrupted minutes each of quality dump time?
Cheryl: I mean, I’m not a labor attorney?
[+1 to Pam for the asking-for-a-friend trump card; +1 to Cheryl for duh, Jesus H.]
Then Pam unleashed (
more like Nancy Poo, am I right or am I right?T [This pun has been redacted because we’re having too much fun now]) this:
Lana, Archer, and Conway dressed up in undercover costumes and proceeded with this subplot to retrieve a disc that had the contact information of all the CIA operatives in Argentina. None of it made sense, really, but it existed and it led to some gems, so it was hard to complain:
Lana: And so Conway’s plan doesn’t strike you as unnecessarily complicated?
Archer: No, Lana, it doesn’t.
Lana: And it doesn’t strike you as Brazilian-minstrel-show-meets–Trading Places?
Archer: No, Lana, it doesn’t.
Lana: And that’s not just because you get to wear that ri-dork-ulous face rug?
[+1 to Lana for this insanely beautiful mash-up reference; +1 to Archer for shamelessly indulging his love of fake mustaches.]
Let’s roll the trailer for Trading Places because why not:
There’s also this “Trading Places,” which makes you wonder if Lana is actually a closet Usher fan and maybe this is the reference she actually meant (possibilities are endless, to be honest):
At HQ, the AJ search did not go very well:
Malory: Well, I wasn’t in the sofa cushions.
Cheryl: Well, you could’ve said that.
Malory: I did!
Cheryl: I thought you were being sarcastic!
[+1 to Cheryl because she was probably eating LSD gummy bears.]
In the episode’s inevitable showdown between Archer and a lot of Argentinians, Archer took the opportunity to capitalize on his brand and take his career to the next level.
Lana: What the hell are you doing?
Archer: I’m Archerizing this plan!
Lana: What? No, no, uh-uh, you cannot make yourself a verb. I will not allow it.
Archer: I’m a verb now, Lana, deal with it. And then also cover me, please.
[+1 to Archer for punching grammar conventions right in the dick.]
While Archer Archerized, Conway reevaluated his nonexistent love affair with Lana.
Conway: So, how come you and I didn’t hook up last time we worked together?
Lana: Well, (a) You were too busy banging Cheryl or Carol or Crystal.
Conway: Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, the crazy Jew Santa chick.
Lana: And (b) through (z) Because you’re a large-diameter dickhole.
[+1 to Lana for being “***Flawless”; +1 to Conway for helping us remember his tryst with Cheryl.]
So Krieger was the one who ended up taking AJ, because he was purportedly using her as a model for one of his other experiments, a.k.a. this horrific 21st-century R.L. Stine contraption:
[+1 to Cyber Neddly Teddly for giving Milton a run for his money.]
If you thought things were going to end a certain similar way with Conway (Archer getting
stabbed shot in the back and Conway not being entirely truthful), give yourself a pat on the back. The entire last third of the episode was, overall, kind of predictable, but, again, tough to hate, because Conway got his other hand lopped off.
Finally, at the end of the episode, Archer and Lana discussed what would happen to AJ if any harm befell them:
Lana: And if anything happened to [my parents], then AJ would live wth my sister.
Acher: You have a sister?
Lana: Ugh, yes, Archer, I have a sister.
Archer: … She younger?
[+1 to Archer for staying true to his nature, despite bullets in his back and a backseat blow-job shutdown.]
In an episode that was more cool than funny, the MVP goes to Conway. Although he wasn’t necessarily a prolific or conventional point-scorer in this episode, we finally got closure about his name (yes, that is his real name), he stole many a punch line from Archer (classic), and next time we see him (which is hopefully sooner than five seasons from now), he will be a badass double-amputee-cum-cyborg. The throwback and nostalgia powers in this episode were strong, and Conway ultimately did not disappoint.
- Cheryl was supremely strangled in this episode, and the weirdest part was that she was not in the least bit fazed or turned on. Maybe 2015 will be a kinkless year for her. RIP, kinky Cheryl.
- Lana owes Archer a blow job from the wager in the beginning of the episode.
- WOODHOUSE, WHERE ARE YOU? HELLO?
- The editing and scene-cutting on dialogue in this episode were almost too good to be true. There was an abundance of Malory-talking-about-being-a-good-babysitter-versus-Lana-disagreeing-with-that-sentiment brilliance.
- Unrelated, but also kind of related: H. Jon Benjamin, a.k.a. Sterling Archer, did a Reddit AMA yesterday, and it was as wonderful as you’d expect.
- The music in all the fight/action scenes was pretty amazing.
- Apparently, we meet Lana’s parents this season — so that’s something to look forward to.