I’m thrilled that the world’s greatest ruse — conning your way into free movies — was covered by Abbi and Ilana in this episode. My great-aunt taught me how to picnic my way through a theater; the idea of getting caught used to scare me until she pointed out that movie theaters are run by feckless teenagers who do the same thing, and no one really cares. I don’t know if I’d see Fang for a Fang or trick my friends into touching my pubes at the bottom of a popcorn bucket, but I’d be down to sew some clear snack pockets into at least one jacket or eat a Slim Jim out of my cleavage.
Bevers decides to get to the gym after Abbi discovers his “couch sore,” which tested my gag reflex in eight different ways, so kudos to you, makeup department! Listen, a living room mini-fridge to counter the “master fridge” is not a bad idea, and if one of the Property Brothers suggested it, half of America would have one right now, but Bevers lives on that couch to a disturbing degree. Abbi uses her brief moment of freedom to run around her apartment naked, singing along to “Edge of Glory,” made funnier by the fact that it goes on for so long you're sure she's going to get caught. Her real hell begins when Trey takes Bevers on as a personal project (BodyByTrey.biz is sadly not a real website in the vein of the Al Dente Dentist) [UPDATE: TURNS OUT IT IS!] and ropes her in to help train him. It's her dream job with her nightmare roommate — this is an impossible decision!
Ilana is in the middle of her own hellscape after Todd tells her she needs to make a sale or she’ll be fired (his therapist is really working wonders), but the real sister in suffering is her deskmate Nicole. I goddamn love Nicole — the way she quietly skulks away and records stuff on her phone cracks me up every time, even if it does make me flashback to the bureaucratic wasteland that often comes with the territory of working in an office. Nicole will be running that company within a year, mark my words. After Todd leaves for the day to identify the gang of elementary-school girls who brilliantly taunted him by calling him Albert Nobbs, Ilana immediately hires four interns from Craigslist to do her work, even though she has no idea how to do her job in the first place. She doesn’t even know it, but she’s tripped over the No. 1 way most high-level executives garner success: farm that shit out to a grip of other people getting paid much less than you.
It totally works, in that her interns are all her sales and she can brag about the “ethnic smorgasbord of unpaid workers,” but lunch with Abbi throws her into a deeper crisis when she realizes she’s basically treating them like slaves, having locked them in the building and wearing her new “white power” suit, to boot. Like all great bosses, she makes out with half of them, compares herself to Thomas Jefferson, and gives everyone an IOU for their paychecks. Maybe now Nicole can answer her question about whether or not she ever gets hair from her head stuck in her butt crack in the shower.
The sweetest moment floats in at the end. Abbi is on Bevers Watch since he sprains both ankles and has a concussion, so she rigs up a string-and-pulley system that lets her chill with Ilana and drink some Mochalatta Chills. In a brief discussion about pregnant women shitting during childbirth, Ilana reveals that she not only wants to give birth in Abbi’s apartment one day, but that Abbi is going to be in the room (“Bitch, who else would be my focal point?”). I love that they’re planning for a far-off future together, but also still planning on living in the exact same apartments.
Laughed the most at:
“Damn it, bitch! Without that cocaine I can’t control the other werewolves!” FANG FOR A FANG SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.
Poor Abbi had a dirty towel thrown right in her face when she got to work, but this time she turned around and threw it right back. Things are looking up for ol’ Abs!
Frank lives in Hoboken — he’s a modern-day gypsy!
“That’s a woman’s fart” and “Your farts don’t smell healthy.”
“Put some Purell in your mustache so you don’t smell him!”
“I have a Skype with a haunted pizza tour company.”
Of course Trey donated $14,000 to Zach Braff’s Kickstarter.
“He’s my roommate’s boyfriend.”
“So you know his body.”
Todd’s sweet vindication when Ilana tells him she thinks Albert Nobbs is hot.