How high were you after you had your wisdom teeth taken out? Did you point at everyone on your way out of the building and laugh in their faces, or bawl for five minutes straight on your way home when you saw someone walking her dog because “it’s just so cuuuuute,” like I did? Did you recline the passenger seat all the way back, then pop up to bang against the windshield and scream, “Help, get me out of here!” while your person was inside the pharmacy picking up the prescribed painkillers? (I’m a delight!) Or did you ooze blood down your chin while your friend purchased weed out a moving cab right before you had a Vicodin-induced fever-dream that brought your favorite stuffed animal to life and go on adventures all over Gowanus, like Abbi?
Lincoln will later insist that he should have known leaving Abbi in Ilana’s well-intentioned but ultimately irresponsible care wouldn’t end well, but even with the potential drug overdose and general mismanagement, I think it went better than it could have. The main thing we learn this week (aside from the fact that Ilana will bust out a Grace Jones pose like it’s no big deal while nude-modeling) is that Vicodin Abbi has enough confidence to finally ask Jeremy out on a date. Her 23-minute, drug-laced voice-mail peppered with cooing and Drew Barrymore impressions is more successful than her hallway fumbling (where faking a phone call and yelling about her underwear stains seems like the less embarrassing option compared to the ostensibly normal conversation she was having with Jeremy seconds before).
Ilana (“Mommy Lani”) is 100 percent up for the challenge of caring for Abbi, which she proves by staying in the room during the entire procedure and giving her a stuffed doll named Bingo Bronson to hang onto. Roommate Jaime even gets in on the action by donning a nurse uniform and childproofing the coffee-table corners with maxi pads. But then a tiny miscommunication means both he and Ilana give Abbi a double dose of Vicodin; when Jaime leaves to get Abbi some fro-yo, he misses all of her psychedelic fun, mostly because he’s stuck in his own nightmare hellscape: 42 Squirts, a fro-yo shop with so many options it has a ladder to climb to more machines. Back at the apartment, Ilana kicks everything into high gear when she gives Abbi a firecracker smoothie, which is basically weed s’mores blended in milk, so naturally, when she leaves the room to sext Lincoln, Bingo Bronson comes to life and drags Abbi out of the apartment.
It’s hilarious that Abbi and Bingo Bronson end up at the Whole Foods in Gowanus, mostly because I feel like a drugged-up zombie anytime I’m there, where it’s not impossible to imagine spend $1,487.56 even when you’re stone-cold sober. Abbi looks a little crazy, thanks to Ilana’s insistence on braiding her hair and painting her face with a Clowny million-color set. A painted-up woman kicking over cereal boxes and talking to herself would surely require police interference anywhere else but wouldn’t actually faze anyone here in New York, where I just saw a man reach under his winter coat and take out a shopping bag full of dark liquid while waiting for my train. I had questions, but I just kept listening to Sepultura, the only perfect soundtrack for NYC commutes. Abbi doesn’t have her phone, since Ilana snatched it away earlier when she found her leaving that message for Jeremy, but she finally tracks Abbi down when her bank calls to verify the huge purchase she just made. She gets there just in time to see Abbi toss a jar of honey at a woman’s foot (I see you, I’m Too Fragile for This’s Cathryn Mudon!). Bingo Bronson runs away from “The Weed Witch” and they all go home. With the exception of poor, almost-forgotten Jaime, everyone gets through it just fine, and Jeremy agrees to go out with Abbi. Of course he does! She’s amazing.
FAVORITE FUNNY PARTS
“May your pencils soften her crudeness.”
“The Mayonnaise Clinic claims that facial paralysis can be a thing!”
All of the 42 Squirts flavors, including: Sriracha, Bananarama Dingdong, Surf and Turf, Raspbutter, Nicorette, Sizzurp, Brown Town and Patchouli. (Side note: This was definitely filmed at the 16 Handles in Williamsburg, right?)
“Would you rather lick a dead man’s penis, or have sex with the same person for the rest of your life?”
“WHY WOULD WE WANT OLD RAISINS AND PEANUTS?”
“I never knew that old-people face would make me hard. That’s nice to know.”
Ilana half-dancing, half-dragging Abbi around like Kim Basinger in that Tom Petty video (Okay, how have we never, as a culture, talked about the creepiness of him pretending to be a necrophilic mortician?)
“Okay, calm down.”
“Fuck you! I hate when men tell women that!” Please carve this onto my pot of ashes when I’m dead, and prop me up next to a picture of Margaret Atwood.