The Best Frozen Moments From the 2015 Oscars

I’d take two swigs, Benedict. It’s going to be a long night. Photo: ABC

“Back in my day, the Oscars were about the movies, not vibrators made of shadows.” Photo: ABC

Speaking of vibrators made of shadows … Photo: ABC

Who says there are no good parts for women? They found almost eight live-action roles to highlight. Photo: ABC

It appears Rosamund Pike’s dress is made out of NPH’s fake throat-blood. Photo: ABC

Look, it’s “Lupita’s brother” from the 2014 Oscars and “Michael Keaton’s hot son” from the 2015 Golden Globes! Photo: ABC

“I’ll trade this for photos. Photos of Spider-Man.” Photo: ABC

“Sorry, honey, I missed your speech. I was too busy with my new best friend, Kerry Washington.”

“Why me?” Octavia Spencer, here talking to NPH; and five hours later, at home, talking to God. Photo: ABC

“But what I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills like dressing up like this microphone.” Photo: ABC

A fat little rich boy who delights in watching one of his servants get punished. Photo: ABC

I’d watch a show called Wes Anderson Babies, about the shenanigans of all the kids from his movies — Max Fischer, Ari, Uzi, Sam, Suzy, Zero — as even smaller kids, and every once in a while Wes shows up, but you only see his oxfords and argyle socks. Photo: ABC

And you thought Charlize Theron’s transformation in Monster was impressive: Look at her seat-filler. Photo: ABC

“HAHAHAHAHA, why is no one else laughing? Don’t you get it? It’s not a seat-filler, it’s actor Steve Carell!” —Jessica Chastain Photo: ABC

What you get the woman who has everything, apparently. Photo: ABC

Channing is still trying to figure out if he’s taller than his Lego Oscar. Photo: ABC

Quest, a disguise won’t work if you still wear that heart pin and play drums all the time. Photo: ABC

Awesome. Photo: ABC

Good thing you’re getting this in both horizontal and vertical, because there aren’t any cameras capturing this. Photo: ABC

“I see you, Bradley, sleeping with your eyes open. And I am jealous.” Photo: ABC

His face says he’s angry, but his body says he begged the producers to do this bit. Photo: ABC

Every day Jared Leto pushes the boundaries of what a person that handsome can pull off. Next year he’s going to wear a trash bag as a jacket with feathers from Björk’s swan dress glued onto it as a shirt. Photo: ABC

Meryl might be embarrassed by Jared’s joke, but Terrence Howard seems strangely proud, as if she were one of his sons performing at Leviticus. Photo: ABC

Aww! For a second we thought this was last year’s Oscars. Photo: ABC

Emma looks sad. Edward looks like Dana Carvey. Photo: ABC

Angry about her loss, Keira tried to unhinge her jaw and swallow Patricia whole, until Keira realized that she wasn’t a snake and she wasn’t actually next to her. Photo: ABC

Are Mom and Dad getting back together?

“Wait, are you getting back together with Dad?”

“Pssst. Pssst. Pssst. It’s me, Jared Leto. You know, from a minute ago. Can you mention 30 Seconds to Mars real quick? Maybe something like, ‘Women deserve equal pay and equal access to 30 Seconds to Mars T-shirts’?” Photo: ABC

“Over there! Clap passionately for that person, speaking the truth.” Photo: ABC

If you found out that Eddie Redmayne was just a tall baby in a wig, how surprised would you be? Photo: ABC

Rita Ora is that kid who dressed a little too nicely for her school photo. Photo: ABC

A fat little rich boy curious about the games the peasant kids play. Photo: ABC

Tongue out and thumbs up — she really is the Dennis the Menace of modeling. Photo: ABC

This was a pretty shot! Photo: ABC

Yeah, that seat-filler saw Gone Girl. She saw it real good. Photo: ABC

Somewhere, there’s a doorway being stormed through by Cookie. Photo: ABC

I said it before, but this really is a very affecting version of that thing where there’s a group of people in a movie/TV show, and then you see there is a larger group of different people behind them, and then someone from the second group says, “And us!” Photo: ABC

We can’t get emoji in here, but you know the one I’d use. Photo: ABC

Ditto. Photo: ABC

Tritto. Photo: ABC

I bet she preferred he get her name wrong to this. Photo: ABC

It seems Rita Ora brought the Joker as her date. Photo: ABC

Fine, if he wants to go by Dwayne Johnson, Scarlett Johansson is the Rock now. Photo: ABC

Lady Gaga’s career is alive with the Sound of Music medley. Photo: ABC

“You get one. I’m not Tony Bennett.” Photo: ABC

This is how people react to seeing Julie Andrews. Photo: ABC

What if Wes Anderson’s next movie were called The Wonderfully Curious Bar Mitzvah Venue, and it features these two as dads trying to plan the party of their dreams? But their social-outcast 13-year-old son Martin has dreams of his own —namely, to be the first person to fly around the world in the plane he’s secretly building with an eccentric millionaire/mentor/frenemy (Bill Murray). Photo: ABC

“And you get an Oscar! And you get an Oscar!” —98 percent of Twitter accounts last night. Photo: ABC

Stamos!

“I’m sorry I beat you. But you had to see it coming, as most of Hollywood didn’t even have childhoods. Half were child actors, and the other half were farmed in pods down in Australia. That said, they all have complicated relationships to comic-book movies.” Photo: ABC

Did someone say “Beetlejuice” three times? Photo: ABC

“My precious.” Photo: ABC

This was the moment Miles Teller’s date was waiting for all night. Batch would lean a little to the right, Dern would laugh a little to the left, and in the middle, a duck’s face. Photo: ABC

Look at how happy she is. We are also that happy. Photo: ABC

Even the adrenaline of winning an Oscar can’t mask how gross Matthew McConaughey’s face feels. Photo: ABC

If Reese Witherspoon were your mom and she said she was proud of you and made this face, you’d totally believe her and feel nice inside. Photo: ABC

Hey, Sean. It’s me, Sean. You know you always wanted to get into comedies? Well, Sean-y, this is your chance. Okay. Okay. Birdman. Birdman. Birdman. Birdman? More like Bird-can win Best Picture! No, no, that’s stupid. More like Bird-fan, as I am one. Yuck, that’s worse. What about something about how there’s going to be a Birdman 2 and it will star Val Kilmer? Hmmm, no, no one remembers Batman Forever. Oooh! What about something about him being Mexican? If you do an immigration joke, everyone will be shocked because you’re Sean Penn, the actor from the pictures on the news sometimes. Good point! Thanks! Okay, say something now, it’s been 40 minutes since you opened the envelope and people are starting to wonder if you can read. Okay, love you, bye. Love you, too. Photo: ABC

[The audience starts walking out] “Wait, I have another magic trick!” [As if someone pressed fast-forward on their DVR, the audience speeds up like they were in a Tex Avery cartoon.] Photo: ABC