Watch Ridiculous Avengers, Star Wars, and Jurassic World Toys in Action at Toy Fair

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Hasbroy toys. Photo by Vulture. Photo: Abraham Riesman

Toot toot, the Entertainment Franchise Express just rolled into the station, and it's carrying some insane and delightful plastic items for everyone to enjoy (perhaps with a tiny dose of shame if you're in your 50s). Toy Fair 2015 is in full swing here in New York City, and we got a solo tour of toy giant Hasbro's newest crop of high-profile action figures, miniatures, pseudo-weapons, and the like. Hasbro is in charge of play items for some of the world's biggest brands — Marvel, Star Wars, Jurassic Park — and we got to see their stuff in action. Here were some of the highlights.

First up, here are a bunch of very tall action figures that tie in to Avengers: Age of Ultron. The big draw here is that they can all talk to each other when they're turned on and put next to one another. They all seem to be mad at the Hulk. (And please note Iron Man's "Hulkbuster" armor — Hasbro is going hard on the Hulkbuster stuff, with half a dozen different toys made in its image.)

Also in the Age of Ultron department: weapons! Our favorite was a Captain America shield that, for some reason, fires little pinwheels. Watch out, bystanders.

Then there's an Avengers Quinjet that houses a Captain America on a motorcycle. He can burst out from the bottom hatch and crash into things.

There were some other great Marvel toys, many of them dedicated to non-cinematic versions of Marvel characters. For example, although this display was tied in to the upcoming Ant-Man flick, we're pretty sure the purple-finned Tiger Shark won't be showing up onscreen.

All photos by Vulture. Photo: Abraham Riesman

And check out old-school Falcon!

Photo: Abraham Riesman

Much to the delight of the Carol Corps, you've also got the new incarnation of Captain Marvel/Carol Danvers here, second from the left.

Photo: Abraham Riesman

Oh my God, is that Thunderstrike in front of Ultron on the left?

Photo: Abraham Riesman

The classic foam Hulk fists get an update (in that you can now curl and un-curl the fingers). Still feels good, man.

Photo: Abraham Riesman

Just in time for the big Disney/Sony Spider-Man deal, you've got a ton of Spidey stuff. Of note here: Black-Latino Spider-Man Miles Morales, up near the front in the red-and-black costume.

Photo: Abraham Riesman

And here's a Miles Morales Spider-Man mask, which Hasbro chose to pair up with an adorably ordinary T-shirt.

Photo: Abraham Riesman

There was plenty of Star Wars stuff, but none of it revealed secrets about The Force Awakens. That said, if you liked the multipronged lightsaber that showed up for a few seconds in the teaser trailer, you'll love the completely over-the-top customizable lightsaber set, which allows you to build out an improbably large and complicated Jedi weapon.

There was also a Chewbacca Furby, for some reason.

Photo: Abraham Riesman

Hasbro's also big on this new thing where you can pop different action-figure body parts together, creating eerie chimerae like a Jar-Jar Binks Stormtrooper ...

Photo: Abraham Riesman

... or a Spider-Man Rocket Raccoon Groot hybrid.

Photo: Abraham Riesman

And then, of course, there were the Jurassic World toys. These have a surreal metatextual element: Apparently, many of the toys on display will also be toys that kids in the movie buy at the dinosaur park. Satire consumes itself.

You can also make cute little dinosaurs fight each other. The rules seemed complicated, but I'm sure you can figure it out.

There were a bunch of other toy stations, including a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic spot and an area with a bunch of Play-Doh, but our personal favorite was the NERF Rebelle area. The toy line makes weapons oriented toward young women, and the resulting pink-and-purple bows and arrows and such are truly something to behold. In closing, here's a cute purse that turns into a dart gun. God bless America.