It was Bonnie’s birthday on last night’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, and everyone celebrated in their own unique way. Some tried to rescue her while others just had finger sex with cupcakes. Two blonde cherubs tried to uncover a lost teddy bear, and Bonnie, clearly sensing all of this, tried to end her own life.
“Happy Birthday, Bonnie” have to be the most depressing three words ever said on this show, and that includes “I love Damon” and “your brother died.” Minus 10.
Elena, showing up with giant balloons, thinks Bonnie would have wanted them to celebrate her birthday in her absence. That’s what Bonnie wants, Elena. More of you guys happy and carefree and spending zero time trying to find her. The only thing that would make Bonnie’s purgatory worse would be if she had a live-feed of her beyond-selfish friends. Minus 10, because that may be coming.
But plus 8 for Jeremy’s biceps, and for us knowing he’s going to leave by going to art school, not dying.
When Caroline and Stefan were talking about Mr. Cuddles, it struck me that this guy gets so screwed when it comes to relationships. Damon gets to have all the hot sex, while Stefan is constantly showing up with flowers and holding chicks when they cry. No points, but I get why sometimes he’s a ripper.
Elena makes sex face when she eats Damon’s cupcakes. Plus 4.
LOVE KAI SO MUCH. PLUS 20. “In case you haven’t figured out by now, I’m a sociopath.”
Kai has some of Luke’s soul. Luckily this has manifested more in his empathy and less in his sideburns, plus 12. I’m wary, though. I don’t want Kai to be redeemed so fast. He killed his family; he tried to murder his tiny brother and sister. Let’s not forget for, like, a few episodes? Please?
Oh, go away, Enzo. No one thinks you’re relevant, not even you. Also, no offense to Blue Eyes, but when you recruit Matt to be the key in your “plan,” you know it’s low priority. Minus 7.
Why did Stefan keep asking Caroline if she thought digging up a teddy bear would solve everything? She already told him she knew it wouldn’t. Minus 4.
Kai would NEVER have been fine with Luke’s hair. Never. Minus 20.
Kai’s explanation of the last six years of The Vampire Diaries is not at all inaccurate. Plus 15 to the show for writing that, and letting him, their clear favorite character, say it.
Liv’s way of “getting through” to Tyler is to kiss him and then whisper a sexy spell in his ear. Plus 9.
Plus 17 for it taking Sarah three seconds to know that Matt does not know jack about photography and was just using that line to pick her up. Anyone who sees Matt immediately knows he’s better in watercolor.
Bonnie and Damon made a talk show. He’s definitely the Kelly. Plus 14.
I don’t believe for a second that Damon and Bonnie had a suicide pact. (Yes, that’s what that was.) First of all, they had each other. Second of all, they were removed from all danger including constantly having to save their idiot friends. And third, they had tons of food and booze and the whole world at their fingertips. It may have been Kai’s personal hell, but if you had a buddy it would be total heaven. Also, stop trying to make suicide happen, show. Don’t think we forgot that whole Katherine thing. Minus 18.
At first, it seemed weirdly out of character that Stefan just kept razzing on Caroline, but his methods were very effective. I still miss Stefan the Romantic Hero, though. And I would very much like for them to kiss. You have taken Stelena and my Thursday nights. Please give me this. Plus 20.
Enzo stole Matt’s clothes and wallet in the off chance Sarah would pass by and take pity on him? No. Minus 5.
Liv has every right to want to kill Kai but STOP THAT, LIV. He is our source of entertainment and sunlight. Minus 8.
Wait, how can Liv just pull a knife out of her own throat? She’s not a vampire. She’d be dead. Minus 4.
Stefan’s hugs are getting in the way of his kisses. They were so close, and then he had to go and hold her. COME ON ALREADY. Plus 12, because we can’t be far now. Right? Right?
Kat is an amazing actress, and she was incredible this episode, but that’s about where it ends. I’m glad Bonnie came to her senses, but trying to kill herself did not seem remotely realistic. It hasn’t been enough time for Bonnie to even begin to get that desperate. Hello, in her normal life people are constantly ignoring her and then using her as supernatural bait. This is better.
Also, my God, Elena. Why does everyone assume that Bonnie has just saved herself for good now? I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. I love you, show, but this seemed like irresponsible storytelling! Minus 40 for everything related to this plot. What would be way more believable is if they finally showed up to rescue Bonnie and she was all “nah, I’m good.”
The moment with Jeremy and Elena is nice. She tells him to go, and be happy. Plus 20. We want that for you, too, Jer.
“It doesn’t matter if I have memories or not. It doesn’t matter that I’m a vampire or not.” I liked this little speech of Elena’s, where she told Damon that what happened in the past is irrelevant (thanks for rubbing it in some more). Or maybe it’s that it has been way too long since two people got naked on this show. I am here for the make-outs, mostly! Plus 30.
I’m kind of wondering why it’s taking so long for them to rescue Bonnie. No points, but it’s episode 13 right now.
We’re in the negative this week, but I’m hopeful for next. I saw some Steroline face-touching.
As always, if you’d like to practice a collective war cry, I’m here: @RebeccaASerle