“I’m a great father because I only get my kids for half the week,” Louis C.K. has said. “It’s every parent’s fantasy. I say good-bye to them on Wednesdays and know that I’ll be lying in a pile of my own filth until it’s time to see them again.”
Yes, it’s noble to philosophize about parenting. But if there’s anything Louie has taught us, it’s that the day-to-day can wreck you. To celebrate the series’ hotly anticipated season five (which debuts April 9 at 10:30 p.m.), we decided to reflect on what we’ve already learned from television’s most nuanced patriarch — that sage everyday man who’s finally made it socially acceptable give your beloved kid the Finger.
The racist-relative talk is as awkward as the sex talk.
Louie and his daughters take a road trip in “Country Drive” to meet his Great Aunt Ellen. Of course, no taboo goes unturned on Louie, and this episode is no exception. Ellen drops several N-bombs, prompting an uncomfortable Louie to explain to his disapproving daughters that “she’s from another time.” After finally agreeing to let them ask her why she uses that word, he discovers Ellen, peacefully expired, on the kitchen floor. Problem solved?
Gift-giving will likely lead to humiliation and exhaustion.
The only thing that rivals the pressures of keeping your kids free from harm is the fear of disappointing them. In “New Year’s Eve,” Louie buys his daughter a coveted, if defective, doll. Fixing that flaw unfurls into a project that takes over his entire night. (The next day, she opens it in five seconds or less.) Even worse, in “Oh Louie/Tickets,” Dad must grovel before the dreaded Dane Cook — who’s still hurt over Louie’s perceived dis, years earlier — to score Lady Gaga tickets for his daughter’s birthday. Folks, Louie suffers such indignity so you don’t have to.
It’s totally okay to flip your kid the bird.
In “Pregnant,” Louie is brushing his little daughter’s teeth before bed, which doubles as precious one-on-one time. Addressing divorced parents’ neuroses is something Louis C.K. does all too well. Here, his daughter sweetly tells him that she prefers living with her mom: “I love her more, so I like being there more.” Instead of getting emo, Louie raises his middle finger at her back. Because — let’s be honest — even the most adorable kid can be a douchebag sometimes.
Accidentally losing your kid is almost a parental rite of passage.
Kids are small; they fit in small places. In “Looking for Liz/Lilly Changes,” Louie’s older daughter, who’s been bullied in school, sulks for a good part of the episode before disappearing. Dad taps into his deepest parenting neuroses, freaks out, and calls the cops until they discover that she’s been reading a book in his closet with her headphones on. And herein we learn a key burden of parenthood: Something that violently shakes your world may barely faze your kids.
Don’t let your children guilt you into dating.
“Daddy’s Girlfriend, Part 1” opens with his daughter asking, “When are you going to have a girlfriend?” and naïvely adding, “I think he just needs to find the right person.” Cute, right? Incorrect. Do not take bait. This prompts Louie to have sloppy sex with an etiquette-challenged woman, then ask her to pop by again for supper with his kids. (She less-than-politely declines.) Which is for the best, really.
