Yesterday we showed you the nastiest Justin Bieber–aimed burns from the pop star's savage Comedy Central roast. If you enjoyed those jabs, you'll probably love these, which are all the other nasty jokes directed at the celebs present who were not Justin Bieber. Again, it's a lot of blue humor that involves the takedowns of Kevin Hart, Pete Davidson, Ludacris, Natasha Leggero, Shaquille O'Neal, Chris D'Elia, Martha Stewart, Jeff Ross, Snoop Dogg, and Hannibal Buress. Bieber even got a chance to rebut at the end.
It was pure, unrelenting carnage (all of which you can catch March 30 on Comedy Central). Read 'em and weep for a preview of what to expect:
- "Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off since high school. ... Jeff Ross hasn't taken his shirt off since preschool. ... Martha Stewart had her shirt off in my dressing room."
- "Scooter Braun was 25 years old, he was a single man living in Atlanta alone, when he found Justin Bieber on the internet in the middle of the night. ... I don't know where Chris Hansen is, but in this one, that's a goddamn predator if I've ever seen one."
- "If you don't know who Kevin Hart is, congratulations on finishing college. Kevin's next special is just him jiggling keys at you."
- "Kevin Hart is literally the biggest comedian in the world, right? According to the Robin Williams suicide note."
- "Two people from the movie Soul Plane are here, right? Kevin, Snoop, Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane."
- "Snoop, your homie Dr. Dre just became a billionaire last year, and you should be proud. There aren't a lot of black billionaires: There's Dr. Dre and the guy who sells you weed."
- "Kevin, you look like someone put 50 Cent in the dryer."
- "There is a lot of star power up here. These men combined have made millions in child-support payments."
- "Kevin, you are everywhere! You know Kevin's actually gonna be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He's playing Peter Dinklage's shadow."
- "Kevin Hart is the only celebrity with a star on the Yellow Brick Road."
- "Look at all these scrubs onstage: Chris D'Elia, Hannibal, Natasha, Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross. I haven't seen a more disappointing lineup since the last Lakers game."
- "Kevin's a good guy — and of course he's here because he can't say no to anything. Last week he hosted an ISIS-beheading video on Reddit."
- "I'm not saying that Natasha fucks a lot of comics, but there is a podcast going on in her pussy right now."
- "Bieber pees in a restaurant mop bucket. As he runs off, he sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton with a bottle of blue liquid and yells, 'Fuck Bill Clinton!' There's not a person in this room who hasn't done that, you hypocritical assholes! You Bruce Jenner Hollywood hermaphrodites!"
- "Kevin Hart is one of the biggest movie stars in the business right now. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget that term for that; it's not African-American rich … it'll come to me in a second."
- "I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house, but I don't have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out sometime and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?"
- "Shaq was the original 2 Chainz because that's how he was brought into this country."
- "Hannibal, your act has put more people to sleep than roofies. Your next special should be called Hannibal Lecture: Silence of the Fans."
- "The only person who has inhaled more smoke than Snoop is Pete Davidson's dad inside the World Trade Center. Thanks, Pete. I'm sorry, Shaq, I know that was your favorite building to climb."
- "Kevin's from Philadelphia, right? Just like Bill Cosby. And just like Bill Cosby, women can't tell when Kevin's inside them."
- "Congratulations to you, Hannibal. You the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off it. Hey, Hannibal, real shit, though. Variety named you one of the top ten comics to watch. Not because you're funny, because you're a fucking snitch."
- "Chris D'Elia is like if Dane Cook was a hairdresser."
- "Jeff, you look horrible. Jeff looks like a combination of every before picture. Ever."
- "Natasha Leggero's here, which means that right now there's a bachelor party that's discovering that their cake is empty."
- "What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two and a half hours."
- "Kevin is so short, he calls Lil' Wayne 'Wayne.'"
- "Ludacris, I knew you'd show up for me tonight. I feel like I've known you my whole life, but that's just because you look like the Mr. Potato Head I had as a kid."