Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Bless This Mess

"Chocolate Does a Body Good."
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Episode Title
Chocolate Does a Body Good
Editor’s Rating

Can someone who lives in Atlanta tell me if gangs of African princes are just roaming the streets, gripping the key fobs to new cars and craning their necks like cartoon wolves?

Listen — I don’t know how to feel about Phaedra anymore. She had my sympathy for a few weeks, but her astounding lack of truthiness coupled with her overall coldness is making me back off. I would get Kenya in a headlock for a chance to sit on that purple velveteen-and-corduroy couch she clearly stole from Prince, but otherwise I’m keeping her at arm's length.

Apollo left a creepy-ass Blair Witch video as his final farewell before he went to prison, which no one needed or asked for, and Phaedra went back home after another stay in a luxury hotel. At least she took her assistant with her, since she was there for the drill-threat session. Two bodyguards drove her home from the hotel, but they didn’t even go in and check the house when they arrived! That’s Bodyguard 101, man. Instead of lighting sage, changing the locks, and setting a booby trap full of knives over every doorway like the rest of us, Phaedra called a priest to rid her house of Apollo demons. Apostle Thaddeus Canada and his wife Chanda Canada, surprisingly NOT the name of tag-team wrestlers, rolled over with a hand towel and a bottle of olive oil, then proceeded to run through the house shouting, “Satan, you got to LEAVE!” and “Sanctification in this room!” My favorite was “Let’s keep walking in the name of Jesus,” because that let you know that ridding demons is hard work. After they blessed the cribs, the garage, and the door to the fence in the backyard, they declared peace in this house, and sweet little Ayden said, “Our house has changed.” I hope Ayden takes his trust fund, runs to the Ivy League, and never looks back. Real talk, though — can you believe Phaedra let Dylan answer her phone? The funny thing is that she thinks she’s done with Apollo, but (1) they’re still not divorced, and (2) she’ll literally be in contact with him for at least 18 years, since she has two kids with the man.

I sort of love it when Carmon and Don Juan make fun of Todd; they’re so clearly not worried about their jobs or status as Kandi’s friend when they compare his sex situation to that of a cocker spaniel. Todd came back from L.A. with watery eyes, an Afro, and an unwillingness to deal with Kandi’s emotional immaturity. Instead of telling him outright how she felt, Kandi pretended to interview Todd for her show since they were sitting on the set, and asked him if he would marry her again. She’s worried that she’s more of a homegirl than a wife in his eyes because they haven’t been having a lot of sex, and wants to go to counseling. Todd’s terrible answer is that he’ll go, but it’s hard to get it up for a woman who wears a bonnet to bed and doesn’t look like Rihanna. In his defense, he said he didn’t look like Tyson Beckford, but if couples start going to go down the road of which sexy superstar they don’t look like, they’re basically setting themselves up for a never-ending fight. He needs to lay off of the bonnet, though — that just comes with the black-lady territory, and there’s nothing we can do about it. 

Ever since she decided she was King Shit of Fuck Mountain, Cynthia’s entire role is drama coordinator this season, which she kicked off with a small meeting at d’Vine Market, a wine shop/tasting bar. Claudia and Kenya joined her, where their minds were blown by the cheese-and-fruit pairings. Cynthia couldn’t wait to talk about the Apollo craziness; first she clarifies that he was never on the run even if he did miss his original jail date, but then she mentioned that Phaedra is seeing Chocolate, the childishly named African prince. Kenya flipped the fuck out — after two years of being called a whore, she couldn’t believe Phaedra was the one who was actually cheating and conniving! I don’t really blame her; Apollo and Phaedra did her dirty. After a healthy trip down memory lane to recount all the times Phaedra lied, the best being about her due date to cover her premarital sex, Kenya started crying and shaking her blue-black hair all over the place. Kenya really has been vindicated this season — she’s still not likable, but at least all the lies have come to the surface. Cynthia is mad that Phaedra never apologized to Kenya and wants to put an end to the “whore-pocracy” that’s afflicted the group, and if there’s not a girl’s only teen punk band called Whorepocracy by tomorrow, I will lose my faith in all of you.

Kandi went to Phaedra’s house to try to be a friend, but any friend worth her salt would have warned her against wearing a strapless minidress with buckled pockets over her boobs. Phaedra doesn’t want to talk about Apollo, so when Kandi asks what happened, she said, “With what, the demons?” as if that’s a normal thing to say out loud. Kandi is a little shocked by the violence he exhibited at the end, but doesn’t seem to say anything about the giant promo cutout of Phaedra’s workout video in the living room. Phaedra only agrees to go to the dinner Kandi arranged so she can “anoint these hos,” and now we all know what to say when we’re making brunch plans.

Everyone is at the dinner — Porsha brought her nipples, Demetria showed up with her uselessness, and even NeNe came after a long day of “studying for Broadway.” Phaedra hopes everyone is respectful toward her, saying she “doesn’t want to be in crazy town since she just left crazy universe,” but you know that won’t stop Cynthia from stuttering through a verbal assault. She seriously couldn’t even look at Phaedra, let alone accuse her of sleeping with another man, so Kenya had to jump in and do it for her. Could Cynthia be more passive-aggressive? “I could put it on the table … but there was a lot more said … so.” You can’t be a G if you can’t look your enemy in the eye and call her out, dude! When Kenya brought up Mr. Chocolate and the text messages, Phaedra JUMPED OUT OF HER SEAT AND STARTED TO USE HER PURSE TO SLAP KENYA, then just backed away and left with NeNe and Porsha. It was amazing! She leapt up like she was really going to do something, and it’s the first time in ages we’ve seen her lose her cool and act like a human being.

Claudia was surprised “the Christian got up!” but we all know Phaedra uses that as a shield, right? I’m not saying she’s not spiritual, just that she’s the worst kind of spiritual — the kind of person who’s all about Jesus to forgive their meanness and cruelty. Kandi did walk out after them, but Porsha, who no one cares about at all, still thinks it wasn’t fast enough for her to look concerned. Suddenly everyone was leaving, but did they even eat? All I saw was some shaved meat and a few drinks. I would be fighting people, too, if that’s all you served me for dinner.

NeNe, Phaedra, and Porsha didn’t leave (they were just leaning against the car), so when Kenya came out, she just walked right up to them and said, “You need to be able to have a conversation.” I seriously love her in moments like this, when she’s righteous and correct and full of vinegar. NeNe thinks Cynthia should have approached Phaedra one-on-one, which is the biggest bit of bullshit on this planet. There is no such thing as one-on-one, because as soon as two people meet up, they go back to their own factions and gossip about it anyway. There is rarely anything that can permanently fix relationships or squash beef with this group! NeNe doesn’t know what to do when she can’t control a conversation, so she just said good-bye, and Kenya called them ignorant heathens. The winner and still-champion: Kenya, surprisingly.

Next time, Kandi and Todd go to therapy after she asks if he had an affair, and everyone else breaks off into tiny groups to have one-on-one conversations. It’s a mess! They’ll probably reboot this cast the way they did with NYC if they know what’s good for them. See you then!