The Vampire Diaries Recap: The Mother Lode

Who's gonna get that cure?! Photo: Tina Rowden/CW
The Vampire Diaries
Episode Title
A Bird in a Gilded Cage
Editor’s Rating

Real talk, guys: Normally I’m super into humanity. You know, the brooding kind, where muscled hands cup blushing cheeks and there are tortured pasts and guilt and “heightened” emotions. Except … I may be changing my tune, because as we learned tonight — having no humanity is hot. Why? One word: STEROLINE.

Here’s our recap:

We picked up right where we left off, except Caroline is cleaning. Really loving this spin on turning off the humanity switch — she’s not going crazy, she’s perfecting the art of not caring. (And not getting caught.) Plus 5 for perfectionism.

Caroline’s auditioning for a play! Oh, whoops: “Musical. And duh, I’m a drama major.” Caroline has gone from broadcast journalism to drama major in just a few short years. She’s got ambition. Plus 10.

We’re six seasons in, so I think it’s safe to add this to our rulebook (or drinking game): Damon throwing a fragile object means things are gonna get ugly. (Take a shot.) Minus 4.

Time to give Elena some credit! She puts it together that to rescue mama’s boy Stefan from himself, they need to rescue his mama first. She’s his “emotional trigger.” (Honestly I feel like mine would be my yoga mat, but mom is a close second.) Plus 8.

“An entire coven of witches built her a permanent time-out.” Does the Gemini coven do freelance work? Plus 20.

Kai! Plus 8.

Kai with scruff! Plus 12.

“Like you, I’m prone to doing bad things with my humanity turned off. Unlike you, I don’t have an elaborate system to keep myself in check.” Stefan, you’re not supposed to be making her life miserable by getting her lips all messy with blood! She’s going to have to exfoliate now. Minus 8. (But damn it, ripper Stefan is sexy. Plus 8. Even.)

Elena wondering about fashion when she’s about to confront the possibly murderous vampire who gave birth to her boyfriend over a century ago? Eh, seems about right. Plus 8.

Stefan killed Caroline’s director; she messed with his bike. Honestly, I do feel like that is a tie.  

“I tore your director’s head off with my teeth. Caroline, did you literally just unbolt this thing? You are an embarrassment to humanity-free vampires everywhere.”

Revelation: This is their version of flirting. They are flirting with each other by making one another miserable. I’m glad to see immortality doesn’t affect maturity. Plus 20.

Well, the Scooby gang (plus Kai, who’s basically a part of it now) traveled back to 1903, and look who was waiting for them: Mama Salvatore! She’s not a rippahhh (I really like writing it that way) but she is kind of … off. For example:

“I heard you and your brother turned during the war. Your father must have been furious.”
“And then Stefan ripped his throat out.”
[giggle giggle]
“It’s cruel to laugh, but good for Stefan. I really hated that man.”

This Caroline/Stefan fight scene was EVERYTHING. I saw some theories last week in which people weren’t sure Stefan had actually turned his humanity off — that maybe he was just faking for Caroline — but I think the whole “fake-Coke-can-firebomb-wooden-stake-in-the ribcage-let’s-eat-an-innocent-person” move put that theory to bed. I think six years of watching Delena suffer may have made me a masochist. I’m into this! Plus 12.

Kai is so complex now. He also says things like, “You have beautiful palms,” so I’m predicting a Bonnie/Kai romance now, guys. It’s very Delena circa seasons two to three. Plus 25.

Advice time, kids: Any time you hang out with someone in their house for an hour, have blood-steeped tea, and then when you get ready to leave they say, “I’ll alert the others,” you know you’re in a horror movie. No points, just facts.

Turns out Mama Salvatore was accompanied into her prison world with a bunch of other vamps … but they’re all sitting mummified in the basement, having "sacrificed" (imagine really dramatic air quotes around this word) their blood rations for her. As Damon says, “She has a vampire dollhouse.” Minus 25.

Back in Steroline-land, Stefan’s urging Caroline to let go, so she indulges in the human blood bag, but pretty soon the gloves (and clothes) are off, and she and Stefan are full. On. Necking. She took his advice to let it go pretty literally, and not in the Anna/Elsa sort of way. Thank god. Plus 100.

Mama Salvatore tries to fight Damon on returning to 200-whatever year it is in Mystic Falls by trying to resurrect her friends, but he destroys her blood supply. “These freaks may be your family, but Stefan Salvatore is mine, and if you won’t help him, I will leave you here to rot.” #TeamSalvatoreForever Plus 50.

The TVD writers are on their GAME. Kai gets left behind in the prison world by a vengeful Bonnie (who is totally going bad and I love it). Minus 30. We’ve traded #bringbackbonnie for #bringbackkai, guys. Let’s get it trending.

To make things even worse, Kai ended up in the cave place with that one half-resurrected vampire. Kai is human. The vampire was hungry. I have a feeling this is going to end badly. Minus 8.

“Your eternal optimism is super annoying.” Usually we agree, except I have to say I was into this Delena moment. It’s been so long since we saw them be cute and normal! (Juxtaposed with the Steroline freaky-deaky scenes, it was sort of weird — somehow Damon and Elena have become the functional couple of this show — but it was also super cute.) Plus 18.

Oh right, lest you think I forgot: Stefan and Caroline got freaky-deaky! They did the nasty! WE SAW BARE SHOULDERS ABOVE BEDSHEETS. Plus 50.

Except … as happy as I am, it felt wrong. I’m kind of sad Steroline had to get rid of their humanity, what makes them special, to get it on. While I’m excited to see them take this journey together, I’m more excited to see what will happen to them once they return from the dark side. (More of the sexy stuff, I hope?)

Bonnie interrupting the Damon/Elena make-out sesh was hilarious and awkward. But I’m so glad she did, because TVD delivered a cliff-hanger that literally made my jaw drop.

While Bonnie was in the prison world, she made a trip to Nova Scotia and brought Damon back a little present. What’s in Nova Scotia, die-hard TVD fans?

The cure for vampirism. Which, if you can do math, had not been uncovered in 1994, because our Scooby gang hadn’t found it yet. Damon has ANOTHER cure for vampirism, which he wanted for Elena, but now that Elena is happy as a vampire the question is …

Who is getting that cure?! Plus 150!

Place your bets here! Will Elena take the cure after all? Will they force-feed it down Stefan’s throat to get him to turn his humanity back on? Leave me your thoughts in comments, and until April 16, when TVD returns, I’ll be on Twitter.

Big news, TV fans! The venerable, brilliant Marlene King (yep, THAT Marlene King) and I are adapting my book series, FAMOUS IN LOVE, into a TV show on ABC Family– starring the gorgeous Bella Thorne! Follow me on Twitter @RebeccaAserle to stay up-to-date on the process.