You knew the end before you started, but as they say, it's all about the journey. So come, join us on this week's post-match analysis of Lip Sync Battle, which pit Terry Crews against Mike Tyson in the most uneven match-up ever. Terry Crews is a masterful performer. He's precise and practiced — fresh off a lip-sync medley performed at the TV Land Awards. (Yes, that's a thing.) Iron Mike Tyson never stood a chance. This was a lamb walking into the abattoir: Welcome to the slaughterhouse.
Battle 1: Mike Tyson's "Satisfaction" vs. Terry Crews's "Sucker MC"
Why are Mike Tyson's pants so tight? This is all we can think about as Mike gets too close to the audience members and rubs the inside of his thigh. It's all we can see when he does that little bunny hop. He's making a classic rookie mistake, which is that just because he thinks he's feeling it, he thinks other people are, too. Afterwards, Terry Crews is incredibly gracious. He knows he's going to kill it, and as such, probably doesn't go as hard as he could, but look at that performance. It's a master class of lip-syncing.
Winner: by two bouncing pectorals, Terry Crews.
Battle 2: Terry Crews's "A Thousand Miles" vs. Mike Tyson's "Push It"
Terry Crews reprises his Vanessa Carlton–loving character Latrell in White Chicks with this performance. We would have liked a little more "realism" — that is, more accurate piano syncing and an understated tone in the realm of Lilith Fair, but this is Lip Sync Battle, so ribbon dancing it is. Still, it's Terry Crews we're talking about, and Terry Crews delivers. Mike Tyson surprisingly starts off the Salt-N-Pepa number above our expectations. He is maybe doing some sort of choreography? He's ditched the pants entirely for tights, which we fully support. But the actual lip-syncing: Is he even saying the words? Does he know the words? What's going on? He's showing us his butt.
Winner: by a thousand miles, Terry Crews.
Is there anything else to say? The winner, by a mangled ear, is Terry Crews.