All of the goodwill and love the Housewives pulled out of their hearts in the Philippines has been sucked back into dark, nebulous holes deep within their souls. Everyone basically hates everyone else all over again; this reunion just got great — or completely awful, depending on your tolerance for yelling.
Wouldn’t it be great if Bravo would hire a makeup person who knew what to do with black complexions? Instead, everyone is wearing foundation two shades lighter than the skin on their constantly heaving breasts, which makes their heads look like they’re disconnected and floating in midair. NeNe tried to pretend that she was “in on the memes” about her awful wigs this season right after the fake wig commercial, but that is a bold-ass lie. If there are two things we know about Lenethia Leakes, they're that (a) she will run out of a room full of her own friends before she lets anyone say a bad word about her and (b) she takes her wigs very seriously. It was the one time during the reunion that her head wasn’t spinning while she projectile-vomited all over the room, so I’ll let her live with this delusion a little longer. Whatever gets you through the day, man!
After Kenya “24 Inches of Her Own Hair” Moore talked about her new business foray into weaves, the first fight of the night took place between NeNe and Kandi. This is the fight that ends with Kandi saying, “We. See. Each. Oth-ah,” and you can tell from the jump that she’s not here to validate NeNe, especially when she screams, “I hate your superior stank-ass attitude!” and “I hate when you talk down to people!” NeNe responded like a child by saying, “Oh, you guys are right and I’m wrong,” over and over again, not only refusing responsibility for her own actions but actively stonewalling any questions about her behavior. It’s weird how NeNe forgets she’s on a reality-TV show with cameras everywhere, and that they’re usually happy to flash back to some contradictory moment when you’re caught in a lie. And their fight, like all fights on this show, started over some nonsense; NeNe is hurt that she saw Kandi on camera being “hateful” (asking Phaedra how it was possible for her to forgive NeNe), but Kandi had a valid point! The worst part of the show is watching NeNe lift herself up by stepping on the necks of others, so I’m glad Kandi kindly confronted her on that point.
Phaedra was a big focus last night, mostly due to the way she’s handling her traumatic separation from Apollo. And it is just a separation, as she revealed last night that she hasn’t filed for divorce yet! Listen — I’m not going to jump into this weirdo's personal life any more than is required, but it certainly smacks of a ratings grab for you to make a big display of going to a lawyer in one of the last episodes only to fail on following through with filing. I know it’s not an easy decision, but this whole “I want my kids to be proud of me” ship sort of sailed when you signed up to be on a reality show about a grip of drunk, wig-snatching women.
After fulfilling her contractual obligation to mention her five degrees at every turn, Phaedra made sure to reinstate that she still hasn’t figured out how to get her kids to prison to visit Apollo. On the list of things preventing her from visiting:
No flying cars yet
Need to stay home and oil up Rosie the Robot
And missing from that list entirely is the real reason, which is that she just does not goddamn want to. I loved it when Kandi chimed in and said she’d visited people at that prison lots of times and watched people bring in tons of kids, just to drive the wedge in even more. When Andy asked, Phaedra didn’t want to discuss if Apollo had ever gotten physical with her, but that prolonged silence spoke volumes, right? It’s all too sad, even if Phaedra is a low-talking demon from another dimension. Are we all going to start calling our detractors Miss Lady Twitter now? I think so.
Porsha came out wearing three dozen daddy longlegs taped to each eye and acting a damn fool, so much so that Kenya had to invoke Porsha’s grandfather’s civil-rights history to point out that she’s a total garbage person. Why was she so late? You know she doesn’t have shit to do all day. You also know that you are terrible in the worst way when someone is using the 50-year-old events at Selma to call your ass to the carpet! In the midst of her saying that she would date any man under the sun, Porsha tried to convince us that she wasn’t dating an African prince but she did date a younger athlete during the season. Claudia reminded her in the wittiest way possible that Porsha had already drunkenly confessed that she was with a married man or something when they were all out that night in the Philippines, and watching Porsha’s jaw fall open without response was the best part of the night. I also diiiiiied when Phaedra sat next to her and whispered, “Get me some Chinese,” and Claudia told her to “file a lawsuit against me if you’re about that life” when Porsha mentioned the talk was turning slanderous. Porsha, you don’t even know what slanderous means! You probably think it’s something you smear on bread, so sit down and let the adults speak. Her refusal to apologize to Kenya made it clear that she’s the same petty, attention-seeking jerk she’s always been, and nothing surprises me more than the way Porsha’s existence has made Kenya look like a better person. Was there anything better than Porsha literally yelling, “I HAVE A LOT OF LOVE IN ME!” Say it, don’t spray it, girl.
Claudia pretty much won this season for me, and even though I’m her biggest cheerleader, you couldn’t pay me to watch her stand-up. You have so many talents! Just pick one of those and go for it!
The night can’t end without someone being called a whore, so Phaedra took to the Bible to shame Kenya after Kenya told her she wasn’t a real Christian based on her inability to forgive. First they use the church to end their argument, now they’re using the church to fight. The bible is a multi-purpose tool, the Leatherman of the South. It did pave the road for the best burn of the night, though: When Phaedra told Kenya “the Bible has a lot of whores, you’re in good company,” you could see in Kenya’s eyes that she was about to shut this whore talk down once and for all. When Kenya reared back and said, “If I was going to be a whore, I would be the best goddamn whore you’ve ever seen in her life! I’d have a museum and a fleet of Bentleys!” I cried real tears of joy. It’s a weird way to do it, but she’s found a way to get the upper hand.
There are still two more parts to this reunion! I’ll see you next week.