RHOBH Reunion Part 2 Recap: Mission Kimpossible

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Photo: Bravo
Show
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Episode Title
Reunion Part 2
Season
5
Episode
21
Editor’s Rating
3/5

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has always been fueled by darkness, whether it was Kim’s alcoholism, Camille’s divorce, Taylor dealing with Russell’s suicide, what happens to someone when they get a fingerprint on Yolanda Bananas Foster’s refrigerator door (they are fed to the Maloofs, a race of mole people that live under the mountain). But it seems like Kim Richards, formerly my favorite Housewife, has reached a whole new level of darkness.

After this season, and this reunion in particular, it seems that I was wrong about Kim the whole time. She wasn’t a poor, lost child star who didn’t know what to do with her life and was struggling with sobriety. She is just a mean, vicious person who was hiding a whole lot of bad behavior under layers of intoxication. She wants everyone to accept her now that she’s sober (and no matter what you say, I still believe that Kim is mostly sober), but not drinking or touching drugs isn’t the end of the road. Kim isn’t addressing her bad behavior, or whatever it was that made her drink in the first place. It’s like if you stop having an affair and then think that, automatically, everything is going to be perfect with your husband.

Yes, if Brandi was the villain of part one of the reunion, then Kim is the new villain that we need to talk about this week. First, we can talk about Eileen briefly, because I like her more and more. When Brandi asked what Eileen brought to the show, Eileen should have said, “Sanity.” Eileen is a real, actual, smart person who always seems to have a measured and logical response. She is a way the viewers have to experience this show, sort of looking around, going, “Who are these Martians, and what is this strange screeching language they’re trying to use to communicate with each other?”

The reunion has not been great for Lisar, I have to say. First of all, the zipper on the back of her dress is kind of wonky, and it makes her butt look like it’s lumpy, which is never how you want a butt to look. The only reason I know this is because she keeps standing up off her couch. Didn’t anyone tell Lisar that, due to the Giudice Violations Act of 2011, all Housewives must keep their hands and arms inside the ride until it comes to a full and complete stop? I guess not. Lisar, a people-pleaser all season, has turned into quite the scrapper at the reunion, and it doesn’t become her. I agree that she shouldn’t let Kim talk down to her and talk crap about her, but she’s taking her offensive a step too far, looking a bit belligerent. That’s Brandi’s job, leave her to it.

Kim. Ah, Kim, a Koosh ball that has been left out in the rain. The only time she told the truth all night was when she told Brandi that, yes, Brandi does seem to have a problem with just about everyone she comes across. That was the one second of clarity Kim had, like somehow that pinprick of light shined through her fog of denial and narcissism. Other than that, it was just Kim deflecting, deflecting, deflecting, like she is one of Wonder Woman’s bracelets.

The thing that bugs me about Kim is how she turned what happened at Eileen’s Poker Night into everyone else’s problem. Doesn’t she realize that everything that came out of that night (which, really, was the whole second half of the season, where all anyone did was talk about Kim’s sobriety) had to do with the fact that she took a pill that she shouldn’t have been taking? Kyle didn’t take the pill. Eileen didn’t take the pill. Lisar didn’t take the pill. Brandi tried to take the pill, because she just sort of gobbles them up like she’s Ms. Pac-Man, but she did not. Kim took the pill,and that is what made everyone do what they did. How does Kim not realize this? How is it that everyone else did something wrong that night and Kim didn’t?

Kim says that she was wrong for taking it, but it doesn’t seem like she really thinks that. She’s mad at Kyle for making her stay so she would be on camera. She’s mad at Eileen for questioning why she acted like that. She’s mad at Lisar for saying she had a relapse. Do you know what would have stopped all of that from happening? If Kim hadn’t taken the damn pill, first of all. Second, if she had just gone to everyone and said, “Hey, here is what happened, but I’m doing alright with my sobriety, and here are the steps I have taken to make sure it won’t happen again.”

She never did that. She just denied and tried to hide it, to keep it “her business.” When you get intoxicated publicly, it is no longer just your business, especially on a show like this, where, literally, her life is everyone’s business. That is what is keeping her employed right now, and if she can’t accept that, maybe Lisa can get her a job next to her son Max bussing tables at SUR.

The funny thing is, Kim thinks that everyone’s interest in whether she is or is not doing drugs is some sort of personal affront to her. Yes, she is sober, but she wasn’t that night, and she needs to realize that people’s concern is legitimate. If she showed up with a black eye and told everyone to ignore it, does she think they would just look the other way and pretend like her eye shadow was bleeding or something? No! They want to ensure that she stays sober by providing her with help, not ruin her sobriety and trick her into doing tequila shots on Spring Break or something.

The worst, though, was her discussion with Lisar about what she said about Harry. She told them all she wouldn’t reveal what she heard because “that’s not who I am.” No, she’s just the kind of person who will make vague accusations on national television and then not tell anyone what they are so they can’t refute or disprove them. Instead, everyone just has some sort of foreboding feeling that Harry is a drunk womanizer who likes to dress in magic Mormon underwear and have baby kiwi birds eat cashew nuts off his grundle.

Now, Brandi, she would just tell everyone what she heard, because that is how she rolls. In so many ways, Kim is actually the opposite of Brandi. Kim refuses to apologize to anyone about anything, even when she is wrong. Brandi apologizes profusely and thinks that completely absolves her from wrongdoing. Kim doesn’t want anyone talking about her or what she is doing. Brandi makes sure that every conversation is always about her and what she’s doing. Brandi can dish it out, but she can’t take it. Kim can dish it out, and if anyone tries to give it to her, she tells them never to talk about her again. It’s strange that these two are a pair.

Speaking of pairs, whatever pain is going on between Kim and Kyle is very real, very difficult, and goes back decades and decades. It seems like it’s going to boil over next week, when we finally hear about Kim’s dog attacking Kyle. I just hope, by then, someone is willing to apologize. But I’m done expecting these women to change.