This week on The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn wakes up, and because she’s now the Bachelorette, tiny birds and squirrels dress her. Kaitlyn describes waking up as the Bachelorette as getting a second chance at love. Because, as we all know, if you don’t find love on a reality-TV show when you’re 29, you’re never going to find love. Kaitlyn sits down with Host Chris and they greet the day and talk about how much she’s kissing dudes. There is a real fascination with how much and how many dudes Kaitlyn is kissing. She was just feeling it last night, and why not, around 12 contesticles voted for you to be the Bachelorette, Kaitlyn. It’s a confidence boost for sure.
This week, there are two group dates and one one-on-one date. The group date — wait, hold up, what? We’re gonna do what?
We’re gonna check in with Britt? I. Told. You. So.
Britt sits on her bed and weeps on the phone with her mother. She can’t believe this. She didn’t even get to say good-bye. Good-bye to all those contesticles you knew for about two hours. She’s in shock. Paralyzed with fear. How can she go on? If only someone could be there to hold her … to hug her. Enter Brady. Oh, Brady. This season sure has enough soft-spoken delusional romantics, doesn’t it?
Brady knew Britt needed a hug and so he tracked her down to her hotel room and barged in because this could be the start of something special. The slept-in lipstick flakes on Britt’s lips as she smiles and stares into Brady’s eyes. Could this be the man worth seeing her naked face? … To be continued … because I told you so …
Back from our detour with Britt, the contesticles stand around and drink mimosas. Men! They’re just like us! The date invitation arrives, and Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah Trupah, Ben H., and Ben Z. are all going. “I can see this ending in a ring,” the invitation says. They’re going to take a bath! They’re going to go to Saturn! No! BOXING!
Nothing says romance like a male-dominated sport populated by domestic abusers and bigots that makes people beating each other to a pulp a multi-million-dollar industry. Someone must have planned this episode before the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight and the resulting think-piece firestorm.
Kaitlyn gets some help from Laila Ali this episode, and she tells us that boxing is a lot like a relationship: It takes focus, discipline, and commitment. However, unlike in boxing, there’s no one to tell you not to take cheap shots and hit below the belt. Oh God, I think I’ve just lapsed into some Carrie Bradshaw–isms. Send help.
After a short lesson and Kupah Trupah completely ignoring Kaitlyn, we get to witness the Bachelorette Heavyweight Championship. I am against boxing, but I am for seeing men without their shirts get sweaty (Knockoff Tom Hardy has big nipples). Ben Z. apparently was a stunt double for the Mountain on Game of Thrones and walks all over everyone. We also learn that he loves to cook and his mom passed away ... I feel bad about lusting over his arms now. I hate when the men I objectify get humanized.
Also during the boxing match, Cillian Greyjoy (Jared) gets LAID OUT. Ben Z. punches him in the head so hard he has to go to the hospital. He makes sure to beg the doctors to let him take a walk with Kaitlyn first. I’m glad the show’s doctors have everyone’s health in mind.
Ben Z. gets the rose because he crushed the most men behind his fists.
Clint and Kaitlyn go on the one-on-one date. Clint looks like he would play a racist football player in Remember the Titans. He would eventually come around because he would realize he doesn’t have to have the same morals as his parents. He can make his own decisions. With the help of Gisele, Conceptual Underwater Photographer, the pair take romantic pictures and make out in a pool. The breathing exercises definitely heated up their inner selves. Clint gets a rose.
The next group date is a stand-up challenge with JJ, Jonathon, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe, and Tony.
Can we talk about Tony? Can we just talk about him for like 99 seconds? TONY. Tony doesn’t flippin’ get it. Tony will not shut up about how Kaitlyn has to prove to him that she’s worthy of him and if they have a connection. You’re on the wrong show, bro. Now is not the time for your lock and key metaphors and rambling stand-up sets about real love and emotion. Bruh, I’m over it. Whatever this thing is you’re doing. I’m over it. Stop complaining and hiding in the shadows. Quit letting JJ get to you.
Also, JJ? Take it down like 18 notches. You’re not that funny. You’re not that cute. Everyone hates you.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Kaitlyn has a stand-up challenge with Bachelor franchise superfan and comedian Amy Schumer. (I was in New York last week and saw Amy Schumer at a restaurant. If I had known she was a Bachelor/Bachelorette superfan, I would have talked to her. Hey, Amy. Let’s be friends.)
A team of cool female comedians come in and make fun of Cupcake’s toothpaste-colored shirt and help the contesticles write jokes. I can’t tell you who was the best, but I can definitely tell you that Jonathan must have been a big ol’ nothing because the only clip of him was him just walking around going, “Hey. How’s everybody doin’ tonight?”
Back at the house leading up to the cocktail party, JJ performs emotional and mental sabotage on Tony. JJ has identified him as an easy target, and in true Patrick Bateman fashion, JJ is going to destroy Tony.
Speaking of destruction, Kupah Trupah starts to freak out that he’s only on the show to be a minority face and that he’s there just to make the roster look good. Which are all ... reasonable things to think. Everyone knows that very few of the people of color on The Bachelor franchise last long. However, being self-aware on this show can be your death sentence. What made Skynet thrive destroys contesticles.
Kupah Trupah sits down with Kaitlyn to find out why he’s here. “Music is your thing,” Kaitlyn tells him, leaning back slowly. Kupah can’t stop talking. He can’t stop talking about how he doesn’t know if Kaitlyn likes him, how he doesn’t know why he’s here, how he doesn’t want to be eye candy or make people feel good for filling a quota. Again, all reasonable questions that a man of color would want answered when entering in a relationship, let alone a very public one (that will be commented on by this recapper).
BUT. It’s TV, Kupah Trupah, and you, sir, are not meant for TV.
So Kaitlyn dismisses him, and he refuses to leave because telling a woman breaking up with you that it’s not fair always makes her change her mind. He calls the situation, and maybe her, shitty. Poor Kaitlyn then has to go outside and deal with Kupah shouting at the cameraman trying to conduct the exit interview.
Dealing with drunk men who refuse to leave when you break up with them is basically every woman’s nightmare, and next week, we’ll see how Kaitlyn (and the expertly concealed security) deals with the situation.