It's getting to be busy season for Teddy, and his handyman jobs are piling up like the gunk in his arteries. For the average enterprising individual, an uptick in work would be a good thing. But for Teddy, who doesn't own a calendar and is prone to double-booking himself, lots of work is a pretty big problem. One of his tasks is taking care of a beach house on Craggy Neck, but on this particular day he's not just double booked — he's triple booked. Seeing as all Teddy has to do, though, is take the lawn furniture and stash it under the deck before a storm comes and wrecks it, he asks the Belcher family if they can pop over to Craggy Neck and do the deed for him. Of course they can, because Linda wants a mini-vacation and what better place to go to than Craggy Neck, the Belchers' version of the Hamptons? Everything is great and only semi-illegal and vacation-y until Linda and Louise stumble upon a cold case. Uh-oh.
The Highlight Reel
Teddy's still a giant stress bomb waiting to happen because he's never learned his lesson about eating healthy and exercising. (He doesn’t know what "to go" means, either.) Thank God for the Belchers — otherwise this world probably wouldn't know Teddy. (I know that's morbid, but come on, if I didn't say it, Michelle Obama would.)
Louise: But Dad, what if people want to come to the restaurant?
Bob: Oh, right, that's true.
Louise: Haha, just kidding, Dad. Just kidding.
[+1 point to Bob for showcasing his ephemeral responsibility; +1 to Louise for shaking him back to reality.]
The house on Craggy Neck is beautiful; it's a literal beach house.
Linda: I mean it's on the beach.
Louise: Yeah, they probably have crabs bringing them the newspaper.
Tina: That is the life.
[+1 to Tina for having crab dreams.]
The Belchers accidentally break into the Über-nice house, and it starts to morph them into wannabe rich people. Well, mostly Bob.
Bob: Huh, I think I like boats now.
Bob: I think I'm gonna get one. I think I'm gonna get a boat. A big boat.
Bob: Kids, we gotta go — oh my God, game room. I forgot to get a big house so we could get a pool table.
[+1 to Bob for believing that he was good at something that wasn't burgers.]
And then Bob played pool and Tina said whoa:
[+1 to Tina for being her dad's biggest cheerleader.]
Linda is snooping around the nice house, learning about the people who live there. It turns out to be a wealthy clockmaker and a very pretty blonde woman, who likes to take cheesy travel pics. But more important, Louise has discovered something:
Louise: Do you know who gave me this water? The refrigerator did! It came right out of the door!
[+1 to Louise for reminding us of the joy of our first fridge-door water.]
While snooping together now, Linda and Louise piece together that the clock-making husband did something sketchy with his wife — because he used to have another one before the one in all the pictures. This revelation comes as someone else enters the house:
Teddy: Bob, Linda, you guys in here?
Bob: Right. Why?
Teddy: Yeah, why you inside the house?
Bob: Right, Teddy. Good question.
Teddy: Right, Bob. What are you doing in the house?
Bob: Linda, jump in any time.
Linda: Wait a minute. This isn't under the deck. Bobby, why'd you make us come in here, you silly?
[+1 to Teddy for being a human lie-detector test; +1 to Linda for throwing Bob under the bus.]
A debate ensues, because Teddy reveals that the clock-making husband is dead. So now Linda and Louise think that the new wife is a killer, because she wanted money and property. Scandal!
Linda: Look at her shifty snake eyes!
Louise: Yeah, if you take away her warm smile, she's got the ice-cold stare of an ice-cold murderer.
Tina: And if you take away her nose, she looks really weird.
Gene: Yeah, and if you take away half of her face, she's like Half Face!
[+1 to the whole family for trying to get involved in the Craggy Neck witch hunt.]
The husband, named Larry, apparently fell off the house's widow's walk (in a freak accident), and the wife, Helen, witnessed the fatal fall from the rose garden. Everyone is excited about the potentially unsolved murder case, except for Bob, who thinks Linda & Co. are messing up a good situation for Teddy: This widow, however creepy or not creepy she is, keeps hiring Teddy and inviting him to drink tea. Maybe they like each other?
Bob: Can I have a word with you in private?
Linda: What Bob? I'm onto something here.
Bob: You're not.
Linda: I am!
Bob: The only thing you're doing is ruining a possible relationship for Teddy. This Helen lady sounds like she's nice and lonely. And Teddy is probably a good match for someone nice and lonely. Or anyone. Teddy should date anyone who likes him, basically.
Linda: Anyone except someone who's going to murder him.
Bob: But maybe even that's okay for Teddy.
[+1 to Bob for still being the worst best friend ever. Either his burgers or faux-support are going to eventually kill Teddy.]
Linda decides to prove to everybody that Helen's the killer by reenacting how she believes Helen killed Larry. They do it indoors because of the storm, and, in the process, injure Bob's back. Of course, Helen appears out of nowhere, so Linda wants to leave immediately.
Bob takes painkillers and turns into a truth-spilling idiot. He leaks to Helen — while everyone is pooping — that Linda thinks she killed her late husband. Helen then turns into a detective of her own:
Helen: You know Linda, I have a suspicion that you didn't all go poop. Something smells Linda, and it's not the bathroom.
[+1 to Helen for being a Sherlock Holmes for the 21st century.]
The Belchers are forced to stay the night because of the storm, and also because Helen is a total creep and makes them. Helen also forces Linda up on the widow walk to prove that she didn't kill Larry. She almost kills Linda in the process.
Linda: Sorry for accusing you of murder. You definitely didn't do it?
Helen: I definitely didn't do it.
Linda: You didn't push him and then kill him?
Helen: I didn't push anybody.
Linda: Alright. Gimme huggies.
Helen: Ahh, I'm pushing you!
Linda: Ahh, my face!
[+1 to Linda, thank God for protecting her face, and then becoming gal pals with a killer; -100 to Helen for being a creepy weirdo who definitely killed Larry. R.I.P., Larry.]
Bob, because loopy dad is the best; he thinks everyone is Gene and sounds like Drunk Uncle. Truthfully, I guess Bob was kind of the worst character this episode because he enabled Teddy's fast-food eating habits, uncovered the murder mystery, and then was totally cool with letting Teddy date a cold-blooded killer. But hey, I mean, loopy dad was still incredible and unforgettable. Maybe Bob should do more drugs.
Bob's Bonus Sliders
- "Sometimes we have tea on the deck and just talk for what feels like minutes."
- By car snacks, Gene means Shim-Shams and puking.
- "No, I’m not allowed to wear cologne again, until I can prove I can be responsible with it" — sometimes I wish this show did cutaway gags like Family Guy.
- Larry used to call her Mount St. Helen because she climbed a lot of mountains. Okay.
- The family that poops together solves crimes together.
- Why does nobody care about Teddy? They just let him chug the hypothetically poisonous hot chocolate.
- Loopy H. Jon Benjamin is the best.
- Helen's poop detective moment was my favorite, I think.
- I'm happy never seeing Helen again — unless she calls Bob's Burgers a butt hut.