CSI: Cyber Screencap Recap: Don’t Do Drugs

CSI: Cyber. Photo: Darren Michaels/CBS

This week, CSI: Cyber gets medical. In Cleveland, a man named Carl Bruno gets disoriented and walks into traffic. He dies. It turns out that Bruno got some bad drugs from an online pharmacy.

Okay, but how is this a cybercrime? It turns out the online pharmacy has been advertising on ScollMD, the CSIverse’s WebMD knockoff. ScrollMD contains hot articles like:

“How do you hear your baby cry?” I actually have no idea what that question is asking. With ears, I guess? Seems pretty obvious, but I’m not a doctor.

“Sounds like a clickbaiting scheme,” says Agent Ryan, misusing the word clickbait.

Time for a cyberautopsy!

Krumitz, Nelson, and Mundo (who should open a law firm) discover that ScrollMD has been hacked not to just serve up pharmacy ads but also to redirect every user to the site’s entry for heart disease.

Also, Nelson has an “elbow rash” and everyone knows he’s not talking about an elbow rash (he is talking about a penis thing).

The team obtains a package from the illegal pharmacy, and Nelson and Krumitz track it to San Antonio. It wouldn’t be a CSI: Cyber episode without those two high-fiving.

This week’s incorrectly defined word of the week is:

In San Antonio, Ryan and Mundo track a distributor’s GPS routes to the dead-drop zone.

Unfortunately, they can’t identify the suspect or his car. Mundo is frustrated.

Mundo realizes the Bluetooth chips in the car’s tires pair with a monitoring box set up by the Department of Transportation to monitor traffic.

“Only one problem,” laments Mundo. “DOT only keeps that data for 20 minutes.”

Ryan smirks. “You really believe that?” (You see, it’s funny because the government lied about how long it retains data about everyone’s movements.)

Anyway, they track down the fake drug manufacturer to a farmhouse, and there’s mold everywhere. Mundo sums it up thusly: “I’ve seen some nasty-ass crap; this is disgusting.”

While interrogating the suspect, Randall Fung, Ryan shows off her amazing deductive skills. “You keep looking at the pills, not the computer. You know what that tells me? That you’re a trained chemist, not a cybercriminal.” That … doesn’t … make sense? If the amount of time you spend literally looking at a computer correlates directly with computer expertise, then I’m Bill Gates and Steve Jobs.

Back at the lab, the team discovers that the low-level dealers were getting paid by their boss on an online poker site, with the boss intentionally losing in order to transfer payment.

Hold up. What was Fung’s username?

That’s a very good, not-suspicious username!

Ryan constructs a profile of the mastermind behind this suspicious schemes. Here’s what she comes up with:

The suspect is probably a young male …

… with medium-length hair …

… who wears thick-frame glasses.

Soooooo … the suspect is literally every dude in Williamsburg.

They plan to force the suspect into the open by wiring him $250,000 and then waiting for someone to log in into the poker site with $250,000. The suspect does exactly that using the name Phantom23. Great name, super incognito.

This is what it looks like when anonymous hackers launder money through online poker:

Unfortunately, Krumitz wasn’t able to trace the hacker back to his bank accounts. The hacker has disappeared. Everybody makes their “WTF, Krumitz!” face.

But wait! Nelson suddenly figures that they can trace it by infecting the server with a virus? Or something? Honestly, I’m not clear on what happens. But they find the guy’s address, and everyone is so relieved!

Everyone high-fives.

They arrest the guy, but not before Agent Ryan elbows this mean nerd in his dumb face! It is badass.

Don’t do drugs! Or sell them! Another cybercase cyberclosed.