I’ve decided to call my eyes “Proud Mary” because they are ROLLING, y’all. The bulk of this episode revolves around Kaitlyn trying to decide or not decide or give in or not give in or follow her heart or not or whatever to let Nick Viall join the other contesticles.
Nick was the runner-up on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette, and as we all remember, he was the one who revealed what went down in the Fantasy Suite. Nick and Andi had sex, and then shortly after, she didn’t pick him to get engaged, and that, to him, was a cardinal sin. We are setting the stage for the sex-shame reveal this season. This is the gun in the drawer, and quite frankly, I’m OVER IT. I’m already over Nick. It doesn’t help that he has my incompetent cheating college boyfriend’s name, but his “brand” is sex-shaming and entitled.
The very reason that he’d want to come back is unbridled entitlement. “I saw you on TV, and thought I liked you and decided I deserve a shot.” Okay, bruh. I saw Jonathan Taylor Thomas on TV and thought I deserved a shot. I didn’t show up where he was and demand to live in JTT’s house. Kaitlyn and Nick had an online flirtation, and if the tabloids are to be believed, sent dirty text messages back and forth. So is this whole thing just an elaborate way to bang? If so, be honest with us! “I’m bringing Nick back because he sent me a bunch of eggplant emoji and ya girl is down to clown.” Done. We can accept this and move on.
Right now, I feel like Kaitlyn is your friend who meets a cute guy and they start dating. He’s cute and nice and everyone else is really excited about it because she usually dates guys who rent expensive cars for the weekend and return them on Monday morning and drive their ’97 Hyundai Accents to work. Then, suddenly, an old fling she met during her summer building houses in El Salvador shows up. That fling that stole her outlet converter and lost her passport zip-lining. (Why did he have your passport, girl?) That fling. And she’s suddenly like, “I don’t know. We had a connection.” No, girl, he had a nine-inch eggplant and knew how to use it. You just miss that eggplant.
ANYWAY. All that happens.
The episode begins with Kaitlyn stalking around the grounds searching for Clint. Clint is going down. Kaitlyn confronts him and lets him know that all the guys in the house think he’s a two-faced jerk. Clint’s response? Well, JJ likes me. Oh, Clint, you want to play the game so badly and be a bad boy cool guy, but you’re just dumb as a bag of rocks. Kaitlyn doesn’t trust him, and no one should trust anyone who wants J “My role model is Ari Gold” J as his best friend. Clint is dismissed.
Kaitlyn’s mind isn’t made up, so she tells Host Chris to gather the contesticles so she can make an announcement. There won’t be a rose ceremony because it’s been a wild couple of weeks and everyone is going to New York.
JJ puts on his all-black pocket square to mourn the loss of his bro-mate. He cries outside and tells himself to suck it up. Poor JJ. It’s Pledge Week all over again, isn’t it?
The contesticles arrive at the Knickerbocker Hotel and immediately are given a date card. Jonathan, Justin, Ben Z., Corey, Ryan, Tanner, JJ, and Shawn are going on a date to keep their love fresh. They meet Kaitlyn at a nightclub, where she introduces hip-hop legend Doug E. Fresh, who is rapping “Teach me how to Dougie,” which isn’t even his song, and he says the guys will have to do a rap battle.
What sweet fuckery is this? Why am I being subjected to watching all these white boys rap? Why does Kaitlyn think she can rap? Why is this happening to me? Don’t people know that being able to write and rap expertly is a skill and not a party trick?
Everyone sounds like the rapping grandma from The Wedding Singer. I hate this.
I want reparations for this shit.
Ben Z., however, can still get it.
Some of Kaitlyn’s friends and fans show up to the rap battle, and I hope to Biggie up in Heaven they didn’t pay for this. One of the guests is Ashley I., and she brought Nick with her. Even though we barely see her, Ashley I. is still getting on my nerves. Nick and Kaitlyn sit together, and he talks about how he couldn’t stand the idea of her getting engaged without him getting a chance at her because that’s how normal people talk.
Kaitlyn meets the rest of the contesticles on a boat, and she tells them she’s thinking about bringing Nick onto the show. They are understandably pissed. I had to look up who Tanner was because I forgot about him until he started to rail against Nick’s sex-shaming past. Good for you, knockoff Bradley Cooper. If Kaitlyn brought Nick back, Shawn would question what they have together. Kaitlyn sneaks off the boat to kiss Nick.
Kaitlyn goes to get her hair done, and the hairdresser is ASHLEY S. Oh my darling girl. You sweet drunk sunflower. That intoxicated butterfly. And you know what? Ashley S. totally has her shit together and tells Kaitlyn not to throw away a chance to find true love for some lust. Ashley S., marry me.
Kaitlyn meets Nick and tells him she would regret it if she let him go. He tells her, “Good.” I do not like you already, sir.
Jared gets to go on the one-on-one date this week, and Kaitlyn spends the entire time obsessing over Nick as Jared reads her terrible poetry. One line is, “It’s very important to me.”
Fun fact: The site of their date is the same spot in When Harry Met Sally where Harry asks Sally out in his silly “pepper in my paprikash” voice.
Jared and Kaitlyn take a helicopter ride and buzz Lady Liberty.
The rest of the guys go to the Broadway production of Aladdin to audition for a part in tonight’s performance.
Do you know how mad I would be if I went to see a Broadway show and the Bachelorette and some dude walked out in the middle of the production? I would pay upwards of $40,000 to see Ashley S. perform “I Dreamed a Dream.”
Cupcake is the ultimate try-hard, and he wins the challenge. Derek Wills appears and tells him, “No matter what happens next, don't ever doubt you are a star.” He gets to dress up in Disney’s version of traditional Arabic clothing and get his abs contoured with bronzer, walk onstage, get handed some prop flowers, and leave with his arm around Kaitlyn. The magic of Broadway!
While Kaitlyn and Cupcake are making out inside the New Year’s Eve ball, Nick moves into the hotel …
NEXT WEEK: Everyone hates him.
Meanwhile, in the Britt & Brady chronicles: They drink cold-brew coffee and wear matching henley waffle-knit tees.