We’re still dealing with the fallout of Kaitlyn and Nick banging. While I realize for us at home this is three episodes of television devoted to are they gonna bang, did they bang, oh they banged, how does everyone feel about them banging, it’s probably only been a couple days since Nick and Kaitlyn rubbed their bathing-suit parts together. So it makes the fact that Shawn goes to Kaitlyn’s hotel room unannounced about 38 times this episode all the more unsettling. Every time he opened his mouth, I involuntarily said, “Bruh.”
Shawn is a tragedy at this point. He’s a character in a piece of 20th-century American theater waking up to his irrelevance and lashing out at the women around him. He’s a factory worker watching as they wheel in the machines built to replace him. He’s a salesman who can’t afford to feed his family. He’s staring out over his crops and weeping salty tears into the dry soil, pleading to God to let a single sprout grow. He’s Arthur Miller–esque. He’s Tennessee Williams–ian. He’s Sam Shepard–ly. He busted.
Kaitlyn is no stranger to her own dramatics this week either. She’s Hester Prynne wearing a scarlet B for Bachelorette.”For those of you at home playing the slut-shaming drinking game, you should be on the floor singing “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.”
We have an adult woman not in any exclusive relationships calling her choice to initiate consensual sex a “mistake,” a “regret,” and a “disappointment.” But wait — she’s not disappointed that she had sex, something she says multiple times. She’s disappointed that she let the other contesticles down. Girl, you feel like you let them down because you had sex with someone. You ain’t married, you ain’t any of these guys’ girlfriend. You are dating multiple people at once per a contract with ABC-Disney. You aren’t in the Night’s Watch. Who are you letting down? Aemon Targaryen? Girl, please. He dead.
Anyway, Kaitlyn still has to go on dates, and she takes JJ and Joe on a two-on-one date. How is J “I’m wearing Ralph Lauren POLO Red” J still on this season? Has he had any real time with Kaitlyn? I mean, he carried her in a baseball stadium once and he mentally destroyed several contesticles, but does Kaitlyn like him? She says he’s edgy and attractive. He’s maybe one of those things. JJ says, without apparent irony, “Since we’re in the home of Bono.” JJ, throw yourself off one of those Irish cliffs.
Joe takes Kaitlyn aside and tells her how passionately he feels for her and how he’s falling in love with her. They make out on a blanket. J “Season two is the best season of Entourage” J tells her that his marriage fell apart because he cheated on his wife. Kaitlyn sends his ass home. Kaitlyn gives Joe a rose, and Joe and Kaitlyn retire to what looks like a set from Days of Our Lives. Joe tells Kaitlyn how nervous he is around her, and Kaitlyn says, “That’s cute.” She’s got to work on her responses to men’s emotional honesty. Shawn asked if she loved him and she said, “You can’t put me on the spot like that.”
The next day, Joe comes back from the two-on-one date with his rose and starts to tell the guys about his dat— wait. Where is Shawn going?
Kaitlyn is in the confessional booth and the producer stops her and goes, “Hold on. Shawn is coming up here,” and she bursts into tears. Well, first she rolls her eyes three separate times, and then she bursts into tears. That’s a sign that your relationship isn’t going great. She tells him she doesn’t know why he’s here, what he wants, and that he drove her mad last night and not in the fun way. Shawn isn’t here to talk about Nick. No one is here to talk about Nick. Nick is fiction. Nick is an illusion. There is no Nick.
Shawn wants special treatment. That’s all there is to it. The fact that he’s gone to Kaitlyn’s hotel room with no warning more than once to monopolize her time to talk about his little man fee-fees means he wants special treatment. He wants to be Kaitlyn’s bottom bitch. He hoped that Kaitlyn would fall in love with him the moment she set her eyes on him and it would be over. She told him he was the one, and that moment has been replaying in front of his eyes every time he lays down to sleep. But instead, he found Kaitlyn to be a woman with desires and whims, and he can’t handle it.
Kaitlyn finally tells him he needs to back the hell off. Unfortunately, she needs to do it no less than three other times this episode.
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, and Kaitlyn is a wreck. Last season on The Bachelor, we never saw Chris Soules in this much emotional turmoil. I don’t know if that means men are more capable of eliminating women in elaborate ceremonies, if it’s a testament to Kaitlyn’s sensitivity, or if Chris Soules has the emotional complexity of a puffin wearing a captain’s hat.
All the contesticles are on edge. Kaitlyn is mad, and no one knows why. Ben H. tells her that he knows something happened between her and Shawn and he’s fine with it, but don’t lead him on. Ben Z. flashes his arms and everyone faints. Kaitlyn asks Nick if he told the other guys about their night together, and he straight-up lies: “I never said passionate or romantic or intimate.” Nick is a chump and I hate him. His ass has been caught, and he resorts to kissing Kaitlyn to keep her from talking. “Just remember how much I like you,” he tells her. Oooh, I hate him.
Shawn stares forlornly into a fireplace because Big Daddy is dyin’. He talks with Kaitlyn again and I’m EXHAUSTED and no longer care about this white man’s feelings.
Rose Ceremony Time. Bye, Tanner and Ben Z. Ben Z., call me Daddy.
Kaitlyn and the rest of the contesticles drive to Killarney. Jared gets to ride with Kaitlyn and kiss the Blarney Stone, which I guess does something. I don’t know. I didn’t pay attention during the Leprechaun franchise.
Host Chris meets Kaitlyn and tells her that instead of the hometown visits coming before the Fantasy Suites this season, she will pick her top three, do the overnight dates, and THEN do the hometown visits. They need to even the playing field and let everyone bang in order to continue peaceably. This means that Kaitlyn needs to get serious because the top two will get the hometown visits, so she should eliminate anyone she can’t see a future with.
Bitch leaves Cupcake on a MOUNTAIN. She picks him for a one-on-one date. They cuddle under a blanket, she breaks up with him, and then gets in a helicopter and FLIES AWAY. Leaving him crying on the side of the mountain, staring down into the waves crashing against the cliffs. That’s cold. That’s the coldest way to break up with someone. I’ve been broken up with while naked in bed … TWICE, and that is worse. Cupcake cries into his scarf and actually says the words, “C’mon, Chris. Get it together” out loud. Shawn might be living in A View From the Bridge, but Cupcake is living in an episode of Boys Meets World. Cupcake gets in a one final shot at Kaitlyn when he calls her a mess. Where is the lie, I ask you. Where?
Next Week on The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn tells everyone she had sex with Nick for absolutely no good reason.
And some sad news Britt & Brady fans: It appears our favorite farm-to-table locally sourced couple is Splitsville. Also, Brady’s last name is Toops and that’s silly.