It’s the Men Tell All special, and I did not feel they told all. There were still questions unanswered. What was up with Kupah’s meltdown? Did Joshua shave the rest of his head or walk around with a jacked-up undercut for a few weeks? Was that guy who got kicked off for being a drunk a plant? What was his name? Carmelo? But the biggest question of all is ...
Who is Corey? Seriously. Who is Corey? What did he do this season? Because he was obviously making up for lost time and a lack of attention. He was all up in everybody’s business. You weren’t there, Corey. No one even knows who you are, dude. Tellin’ Ian he was spot-on with his assessment of Kaitlyn’s personality. You were there for approximately 38 minutes, sir. How could Clint have alienated you and everyone else? You were in the house for zero hours. You didn’t even unpack your suitcase. You were still using the shirts you had in your carry-on. What? Yeah, sure, I’m the only one who packs an extra shirt in my carry-on in case they lose my suitcase. Corey. Come off it.
Another unanswered question is: “Why is Shawn in that Snapchat with Kaitlyn?” We’ve all seen it. So Kaitlyn picks Shawn, right? I guess we can all go along with this charade for another week.
Anyway! After an extended preview for Bachelor in Paradise with Ashley S. where she’s holding what appears to be a parakeet on her arm and saying “I’m in my happy place” because she’s a monster of joy, we get down to checking in with almost every contesticle and looking back on their time as a contesticle.
Ian acts like a Grade-A Weirdo and performs an ancient douchebag contrition ritual remembered only in legend and song. He takes his jacket off and gets on his knees in front of the other former contesticles. He apologizes because the way he acted on the show wasn’t representative of him, and he wouldn’t want the guys, the audience, or America to get the wrong impression of him. Read: He can’t get laid now.
Clint and J “It’s not offensive, it’s edgy” J defend their relationship and tell everyone that they aren’t gay. But you know what? What if they were? Who cares? Of all the Bachelor and Bachelorette spinoffs we’re forced to sit through and exclusive web content and Bleachable Moments, I would love if we got a spinoff of two contesticles who fell in love and had to tell their families that they were gonna go live with their bro-friend. Just imagine Grace & Frankie — but instead of the dignified performances of Martin Sheen and Sam Waterston, it was Clint and JJ. I’ll take my Emmy now.
Everyone talks about Nick some more. Cupcake says he would hate if he got engaged to Kaitlyn but she was thinking about Nick. Faux John Legend blames Kaitlyn for bringing Nick back, but it’s up to her to find love. Kupah Troopah is furious that 25 men put their lives on hold, and she’s bringing in guys from previous relationships. Nick isn’t even on this special and we’re STILL talking about him. If someone were smart, they would have sold naming rights to Nick’s name. Imagine it: “If Sobe Lifewater’s Nick Viall is the man for Kaitlyn and she doesn’t bring him on the show, that’s unfair to her.” I’ll take my business Emmy now.
Next, Ben Z. slowly stands up, talks over to Host Chris, and then what? What’s this? You’re taking all your clothes off? Oh my goodness, and you’re dressed like Captain America? Naughty, naughty Ben Z. Come over here and let me spank you for wasting everyone’s time—
Sorry … Ummm … he talked about … opening up … his shirt— NO! FOCUS!
Ben H. and Jared get their time with Host Chris. I’m gonna be honest. I thought Jared or Ben H. was going to win and I put a lot of money on that, and now a shady guy who works in the riverboat casino basement is gonna break my kneecaps if I don’t get him the money by Thursday. Do riverboat casinos have basements? Where does Ricky Tomtom work?
Finally Kaitlyn comes out, and Host Chris forces Kaitlyn to sit there and listen to her hate tweets and hate emails right away. She doesn’t get to do or say much of anything else. Most of the hateful tweets use the hashtags #whore or #slut. Those aren’t words that need to be made into a hashtag. I’m gonna go ahead and put that out there. We have no need to follow the trends of the tweets with #slut in them. I’m gonna tell you — they’re all awful.
Thankfully, after this brutal segment is over, Ben Z., light of everyone’s lives, starts a standing ovation for Kaitlyn. While, visually, it’s a bit much, I think every woman should have the opportunity to get a standing ovation while wearing a sequined dress (I could do without the mesh cut-outs, but that’s her style) and a full face of professionally applied makeup. Being a woman in the world means you deserve a goddamn medal for bravery, and if we can’t get that through the House or the Senate, we’ll settle for a standing ovation. The waitress who gets called “honey” by a table full of old lecherous businessmen: standing ovation at the end of her shift. The woman just trying to online-date who gets videos of guys jerking off to her profile picture: standing ovation when she closes the tab and opens up Ann Taylor Loft’s website because they are having a sale. Any and all women who choose to wear any item of clothing outside because it will be commented on by some weirdo on your way to work: standing ovation.
If you’re a woman and you haven’t tied a man’s hands together using your tampon strings and set the building containing him on fire, you deserve a standing ovation.
Just a fun little observation: There’s a group of women in the front row all dressed in watermelon colors. Did they coordinate? Did the ushers see them all spread out in the crowd and were like, “Oh, you GOTTA sit together”?
Kaitlyn performs some daring mental gymnastics when she explains she only told Shawn about sleeping with Nick because trust and honesty are important to Shawn but … not any of the other guys? Joshua makes a great point by saying if she hadn’t told the guys that her husband was in that room or told any of them that he was the one, she could have brought Nick back or had sex with people, but she did.
Kaitlyn fires back by saying, “You try dating this many people on TV and try not to make any mistakes.” Fair enough.
I wish we had seen more of this angry feisty Kaitlyn. A cool-girl fire used to terrify and shame men into bending to her will rather than careful, approved personality quirk,s like liking whiskey and sports.
What I’m saying is I really hope this all has a Gone Girl twist, and after seducing the two biggest anal polyps on the show, Kaitlyn flips out and runs blaming them for a crime they didn’t commit, leaving their lives in ruins.
Spoilers for Gone Girl, I guess. You had like a year at this point.
Next week is the finale, and then we will be free from this slut-shaming prison.