This week we have a strange matchup: Justin Bieber versus Deion Sanders, a tween heartthrob versus a Hall of Famer (yeah, we had to look that up). Welcome to the stage, Deion Sanders! Let’s see how you fare against the Beebs.
Battle 1: Justin Bieber’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry” vs. Deion Sanders’ “Play That Funky Music”
These are two staunchly mediocre performances despite all of their smack talking. Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry” is too languorous to have much of an impact, and Deion Sanders acts like “Play That Funky Music” is a dis against Bieber, but seems to have forgotten that the song was performed by these guys. Moreover, Sanders commits a grave sin in that he never takes his sunglasses off during the performance. How can we see your emotions? Bieber does a serviceable job with a fairly limited song. And do you hear those squeals? That is Bieber’s lifeblood.
Winner: Justin Bieber, by a squeal.
Battle 2: Deion Sanders’s “Like a Virgin” vs. Justin Bieber’s “Crazy Train”
Both of our battlers suited up into drag for the second performance. Sanders goes for the obvious joke that he’s a muscular black man in a white tutu. He does a fine job (at last, we can see your beautiful eyes!), but the performance is lacking. You don’t get the sense that he connects with the song in any real way — not that he has to feel like a virgin. But at the very least, we want to feel like this is something you secretly enjoy after a long hard day at training camp. Bieber’s Black Sabbath drag was a more novel choice, and, more important, demonstrated proper sunglass usage. Granted, Bieber could have served some more Ozzy Osbourne realness, but we might have been the only ones to really enjoy that.
Winner: Justin Bieber, by a strawberry packet.
Overall: Did we watch the same thing? We’re a little perplexed by how Deion Sanders took the win. We’re taking a stand: Justin Bieber was robbed.