Have you ever wondered what a middle-school dance would look like if you replaced all the ill-fitting, sweat-stained handkerchief hems from Von Maur with bikinis, the Fanta bought from the vending machine outside Ms. Leiter-Weintraub’s classroom with margaritas, and all the whiny, immature, emotionally unstable teens with ... whiny, immature, emotionally unstable 20- and 30-somethings?
Well, look no further than Bachelor in Paradise! A four-week experi- wait? This whole thing only takes four weeks? As in, a month? As in, the time it takes for my body to prepare an egg, ovulate it while simultaneous preparing a uterine lining to create an environment hospitable for a fertilized egg, and then shed that lining and begin that process again? A straight-up month? That’s how long these people are gonna know each other and expect to be in lurve?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I’ve suspended my disbelief.
We start this episode catching up with some of our favorite rejects who are a little lost in their search for that lurve. Of course we start with Ashley I. Homegirl continues to be tragic. She is just the most tragic person on Gaia’s green earf. But, you guys, Ashley I. has a SISTER. And her sister is a SLUT. Oh, I’m not slut-shaming her or putting her down. I’m just repeating what everyone calls Lauren multiple times this episode with no real evidence. She’s just a slut because … she wears a black shirt? That’s the sluttiest thing she does this episode. She’s wearing a black top while Ashley I. wears a white one. The Madonna-whore complex continues to play out all over this franchise.
Since being eliminated by Kaitlyn, Jared wanders around the moors of Providence, Rhode Island, in a very tactical gray leather jacket. He’s mourning the loss of his true love, Kaitlyn. All he wanted was more time. The best way to get over a bad nationally televised break-up is to meet someone new. Love Man has changed, and it’s time for Jared to get something strange.
Then. Then. THEN. EVERYONE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. ASHLEY S. IS BACK. The tremendous, flaxen-haired angel has drifted down from heaven once again to rejoice us with her presence. I spent most of the episode bowing down to my TV and putting the finishing touches on my Ashley S. shrine. I put a pomegranate next to an onion and anointed them with oils because we contain both light and darkness. She communed with all of her creatures and let the chicken wings flag against her breast because she embraces our sins as well as our triumphs. Ashley S. is the only person I ever have or ever will care about.
Also, Tanner, Tenley, Jade, Jillian, her new boobs, Dan, Juelia, Kirk, Jonathon, Mikey T., Carly, and J “They wear their bathing suits this short in Europe” J are all on this season, too. And they are nobodies. NOBODIES COMPARED TO ASHLEY S., YOU HEAR ME?
Ashley I. arrives at the B.I.P. Complex with, uh … her sister in tow. So this is a thing now? I’m supposed to put up with the assorted siblings and family members of former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants. Why don’t we just let Juelia bring a cool aunt to the proceedings? I’m sure Suesean (pronounced: Susan) would love to hang out on the beach and drink margs and make out with Mikey T. Aunt Suesean always liked thick necks.
Oh wait, we’re letting Ashley I. bring her sister on the show because her sister is, as I mentioned, a big ol’ slut. Gross. Lauren is, like, naughty and flirty and is this how people talk about their siblings? This unsettles me. Ashley I. also says her sister’s job is to “finish the guys off.” Like … make them jizz on stuff? That’s what that means. She’s there to make them jizz on stuff.
It’s frankly hard to recap this episode because very few actual real events that made sense happened. It was mainly people attempting to create a character and/or trying to play it cool long enough so they could grab one of Jade’s boobs. Okay. Let me be shady for an actual second. Jade? She’s just fine. She’s the human equivalent of a black cardigan. Everyone needs to calm down. She has no real personality, but I guess her face is a face.
Another bit of shade — Jonathon needs to tone it down before he lapses into a hypersexual black stereotype in some blaxploitation flick. He spends every second of screen time this episode talking about threesomes he’s had with sisters, the virginities he’s taken, how the ladytestants are similar to food he’d like to eat. Bruh, settle down. We get it. You’re an adult man with a sex drive. Relax, because the more you talk about the outlandish sex you’ve had, the more I believe you only do it with Radio Shack managers with the lights off in missionary and silence.
Mikey T., you do you, man. I’m fine with all of this. Not because I’m attracted to you, but because you’re a real-life Johnny Bravo.
Ashley I. has set her sights on Jared, and she’s going to solidify the whole thing. She asks him on her dune-buggy date and says, AND I QUOTE: “I look over at him driving this dune buggy, and it’s hot,” which I assume Gidget says in every Gidget movie. It’s unclear if Jared is just humoring Jade, but they share some Champagne on the beach and Ashley I. grills him about Kaitlyn. He’s a Scorpio and she’s Delusional. It’s a match made in the stars.
Jade kinda has the hots for Jared, but she makes up her mind to ask Tanner on her date before Jared gets back from his date. They have instant chemistry and it’s such a romantic date and now Jade might have feelings for Tanner. Because on Bachelor in Paradise, looking at another person for more than 38 seconds causes you to have feelings for them.
Let’s get to all the pairings so far and judge them.
Carly & Kirk: B+
Jade & Jared: Check Minus
Mikey T. & Lauren: Dick Hard
Dan & Ashley S.: Body thetans, i.e., "Spirits who aren't aware of their own spiritual nature."
Juelia & Lauren: Old
Tenley & Lauren: Old
Jade & Tanner: The Hangover Part III
Ashley I. & Jared: I can show you the world; shining, shimmering, splendid.
As Ashley S. was preparing to turn into a single point of white light, she suffered some sort of injury and her corporeal form was whisked away to a realignment center and Dan rushed to her side.
Then my broadcast cut out because there was a summer storm in my area and the local ABC weather team took over the broadcast so I never found out what happened at the end of the episode ...
... But does it matter?
No. This show is perfect and nothing and everything matters. It’s Bachelor in Paradise, sluts.
P.S. A wedding happened this episode. Almost like a threat. “This is what you have to achieve or we shut this whole sumbitch down.”