This week on Bachelor in Paradise, we get three stories of how men deal with new relationships. Some men freak out and create drama where there is none. Some men realize they are running from something good and recommit to their love interest. Some men … are Joe. Joe has just decided to go full-on dickwad. Maybe years ago Joe refused to help an elderly woman and she revealed herself to be a witch and cursed him to be a straight-up douche canoe.
Also, he totally got a hand job in that hot tub, right? No one else go in that hot tub. Ask Jorge to drain it.
Before we get to Joe’s joystick, we have to deal with Clare. Clare. Clare is in the middle of her Rose Ceremony meltdown because she’s having a hard time, and she doesn’t feel right being here. You know what I do when I’m having a hard time? I stare at pictures of Jason Statham until my heart rate drops and I move the hell on with my day. I don’t stop an entire reality-TV-show production because why? She couldn’t pick which DTF boy to give a rose to? Girl, bye.
While Host Chris is talking Clare down from her own drama, Tanner and Elevenley go to town on Clare, and I love how much Tanner hates everyone. I wish he and I could get mimosas and dish about my co-workers and exes. I need to know what Tanner thinks about Jon reading my Facebook message at 8:45 p.m. but not writing back until 10:45 p.m.
Ashley I. just calls Clare old again. I mean … she ain’t wrong. You've been on this show three times, girl, and it’s just not working. Have you heard of this newfangled thing called online dating? Maybe you should give it a try. Anyway, Clare gives her rose to J “I’m developing an app with my bros called Hump’r” J.
Now it’s time for Juelia to give her rose. She picks Joe because she’s a fool.
Jonathon, Mikey, and some guy named Michael all go home.
The editing on this episode is amazing. Give this editor a “This is going to turn out exactly how we all picture it, but we’re so excited to watch it happen anyway” Emmy. Every single word of love and trust out of that sap Juelia’s mouth was followed by Joe’s star-making villainous turn. Joe uttered the perfect phrase: “ROSE BEFORE BROS.” I swear to God, if ABC doesn’t make that a damn T-shirt by the end of this sentence, they are fucking failures.
Samantha arrives in some flowy pants and jokes with Host Chris about how no one knows who she is. Honey, it’s not a joke if it’s true. She rolls in and immediately takes Joe on her date, and they go on a photo shoot and make out with each other in front of the entire editorial staff from People magazine. I hate them.
I can’t talk about Joe and Samantha anymore. Let’s talk about the actually sweet Kirk and Carly. Kirk and Carly have been going strong since the beginning, but Kirk starts to freak out because it’s going so well. #malelogic. Instead of running for the hills like Dan does with Earth’s most precious woman Ashley S., Kirk and Carly talk about their expectations, and Carly shares a special moment with him. They end up spending a night together, and their sex is an expression of their affection and not an attempt to trap the other person into staying.
The fact that this happened on a reality TV show and we saw a healthy relationship … I feel like confetti should have fallen from the sky because they just said Pee-wee’s Magic Word and the word was productive and respectful conversation between two people. They won. Game over. Everyone, go home.
Quick question: When the bangtestants get a hotel room like this … are the condoms already in there or … do you have to be on birth control when you head to Bachelor in Paradise … or … do you just tell the producers to pick you up some Trojans … I’ll take my answer off the air …
What do you do about lube? Answer off the air, sorry …
Meanwhile, Joe continues to be confronted by other bangtestants. Jared, Tanner, and everyone at home just wants Joe to let Juelia off his hook. Juelia is moping around, calling her daughter and saying she expected more from Joe. Why? You met him THURSDAY, and it’s MONDAY. You can’t be shocked he played you when all FRIDAY everyone was warning you that he was playing you.
Sometime during all this, Megan shows up, and I just can’t with this dummy. She’s a new level of dumb. She can’t say the word sombrero; she still doesn’t know the difference between Mexico and New Mexico. Over her.
Ashley S. leaves Dan because he doesn’t respect her as the Supreme Being that she is, and he wants to keep his options open. #maleplans. I hope she transcends this mortal plane and finds love with a deity who is worthy of her.
The Joe-Juelia-Samantha love triangle is coming to a sharp point when it’s figured out that Joe was talking to Samantha before the season started. He even admits in a confessional that they talked on the phone, and he doesn’t even remember Juelia’s name at this point. Juelia tries and tries to confront him, and finally Dan sets up a betrayal summit between Joe and Juelia. She tells him that he wasn’t honest with her. Joe just shrugs off every question like he’s Jay Wilds and Juelia is Sarah Koenig. Remember "Serial," guys? That was a fun little time in our lives.
Joe’s ultimate defense is “We had a great time and we had a great connection, but Samantha and I have a better connection. True or false? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ "
He also says the whole situation is dumb and he already told her once. Someone call Joe what the locals call downtown Petoskey, Michigan, because he is GASLIGHTING Juelia right now.
Juelia finally realizes if she can’t guilt Joe, she can ruin his relationship the way he’s ruined her time in Paradise.
She’s going to tell Samantha, and Joe is squirming. We’ll find out more tomorrow!
We’ll also find out what Megan and J “‘I’m unemployed and live in a loft above my parents’ … no, I don’t live with my parents, it’s a completely separate apartment” J do on their date.