This week on Bachelor in Paradise:
“He went from Zero to Hero in no time flat, and back to zero.”
“I’m just on cloud nine. I can’t tell you how good I feel.”
“Joe is Public Enemy No. 1.”
“There’s a shrimp sale at the Crab Crib.”
“She just pooped in my hand.”
“I’m gonna make him look like the hillbilly he is, because I’m gonna make him go home with four teeth.”
This is a Global Tel link prepaid call from Joe Bailey, an inmate at Grand Mayan Resort in Nuevo Vallarta, a vacation resort 25 minutes north of Puerto Vallarta …
From ABC and Chris Harrison, this is "Serial" … er Bachelor in Paradise. A bunch of hookups told week by week. I’m Ali Barthwell, from WVLT. We’re at episode six. You probably have seen the first five episodes on ABC, or on the TV at your favorite nail salon, but if you haven’t, stop. Go back to the beginning. We’re telling this story in order, the story of Juelia Kinney, a 30-year-old aesthetician, who was disregarded in 2015 and not even treated like a person; and the story of Joe Bailey, a guy she went on one date with that one time, who was convicted of the crime.
Wouldn’t that be awesome? If we had a 12-episode, in-depth oral history/investigation of the Joe/Juelia/Samantha triangle? Because the level of deception these simple people are trying to attempt deserves a team of Chicago public-radio journalists digging into their past.
Because we deserve answers! How did Adnan get to the Best Buy? Also, Bachelor in Paradise questions, too …
We pick up right where Sunday’s episode left off: Juelia taking Samantha aside to warn her about Joe. Jade, who obviously doesn’t have enough interesting footage with her true love, Tanner, got into this conflict for fun this week, and believes that Samantha will break up with Joe when he hears how he treated Juelia. Samantha DGAF. She thinks it would be best if Joe joined the conversation. Girl, what? How on earth would that be best? Literally no one wants that.
I guess if you’re one of those women who believes her man more than her girlfriends, then having your man in the room at all times sounds like a good idea. (This is a note for all my girlfriends who are reading: If I ever believe my man over you, punch me in the face. Hard. Over and over. You have my permission.)
Everything about this whole situation seems fishy to at least seven people, and the evidence continues to mount against Joe and Samantha. The most damning piece of evidence is that Tanner claims to have seen screenshots of texts between Joe and Samantha where she tells him to do anything necessary to stay on the show until she arrives. Tanner? Bruh? If you saw texts like that, TELL EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY! How do you sit on a great piece of info like that? Even if you’re making it up, that’s a decent-enough lie to maybe force someone to slip up and reveal something they don’t want to.
Tanner and Jared corner Joe while he’s hanging out in Samantha’s room. They’re asking Joe to just come clean and apologize, and everyone will move on, but Samantha is shoving them out of the roo— AH! Did you see that? Did everyone see that? Samantha just looked straight into the camera.
Samantha and Joe think that the cameras aren’t on them, and she starts to feed him straight-up lies and tells him what she said in her confessional so they can get their story straight: “We didn’t talk, I told them I didn’t know he was interested in me. It was all purely social media and text. There was no plotting with Joe. I wouldn’t do that. You can say all that. We waited. You shouldn’t come off as defensive as you seem now.”
This entire episode, I feel like Carrie Mathison. And this whole episode is yellow. I feel like Charlie Day. And there’s no Pepe Silvia or Carol in HR.
Okay, other stuff happened this episode, but DO YOU CARE? You do? Fine. Dan went on a date with new arrival Amber, and a throng of Mexican people forced them to kiss. J “I’ve been to Cabo twice on Spring Break” J went on a date with Megan and felt a real connection. BORING.
What isn’t boring? Ashley S. reconnecting with nature. Her birds are her lovers now because Juanita says “Thank you.” Crabs are her confidantes because crabs smile. When Ashley S. opens her mouth, the words to Emily Dickinson’s “A Bird Came Down the Walk” tumble out of her lips. She is filled with poetry. You can’t tell where her body ends and where the verdant green of the feathers of the birds end when their wings flap against her breast. She is a thing with feathers.
I’m sorry. I think I entered into a deep Ashley S. fugue state. Did I say anything embarrassing?
Anyway, Tanner and Jared bring the Case of Joe in front of J “Bros before hos unless she’s hot” J, and JJ is deeply offended. He declares Joe the Vill of the Vill, which is an insult? Joe thinks this whole thing is stupid, but he just won’t apologize or admit that he lied. Does he know that there are cameras everywhere? That they are recording what he’s saying and doing? Tanner points out that when it came to the women to screw over just to get a rose, Joe picked the one who came with the worst optics. He screwed over a single mother who is also a widow. Oof. If he picked someone who was just looking for fun or someone who wasn’t a single mother and a widow, he might have gotten away with it. Joe seems to have justified what he did in his head and is in engaging in, and I quote: “a circulatory,” and J “I’m a yellow belt in Tae-Kwan Do” J is going to put a straight edge on that circularity … with his fists …
This is television perfection.
To be continued …