Bachelor in Paradise Recap: High-School Paradise

Mackenzie arrives to Paradise and gets the lowdown on the available men. Photo: Rick Rowell/American Broadcasting Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Bachelor in Paradise
Episode Title
Episode 9
Editor’s Rating

Another letdown of an episode. The happy couples stayed happy, and the indecisive immature couples stayed immature and indecisive. The only Vill we have left is Joe, and his blockhead identity robs us of the creative boasting and bragging of someone like JJ. Did you ever think we’d end up in a place where we missed JJ? Because we all miss JJ, right? Tell me I’m not alone in this …

… I think I love JJ.


We open this episode with Joe staring out across the unforgiving sea. On the list of this hotel’s amenities, did it say, “breakfast buffet, infinity pool, over 30 balconies, verandas, and perches to gaze out toward the horizon as you contemplate your romantic failures and reflect on the sexual manipulation you’re currently involved in, in-room Wi-Fi”? Joe couldn’t sleep last night because Justin asked Samantha out and she said yes. Joe is questioning what they have together, and he feels stupid and frustrated. The way he feels certainly isn’t helped by Samantha taking him aside and telling him that she can’t stop thinking about him, and it’s confusing for her. I can’t roll my eyes enough. Joe apologizes to Samantha; for what, I’m not exactly sure. It’s the mark of a true manipulator when you go to them with your issues with their behavior and suddenly you’re apologizing. Unfortunately, Joe has completely downed the Samantha Kool-Aid, and he’s all in with her crazy ass.

What is the deal with Samantha? Seriously? Her face is all right. She has no real personality. She’s like Vanessa, the human form Ursula takes in The Little Mermaid. Except if the only topic of conversation Vanessa talked about was how drama never follows her but she’s surrounded by it, and she didn’t have a great singing voice. I just don’t understand how every guy on this season at some point was completely blinded by Samantha. She has no charms. She has no wiles. Her manipulations don’t even seem to have an endgame. Is there some guy she’s waiting for who hasn’t arrived yet? Is this a really complicated Jamberry Nail Wrap party? What, Samantha? What do you want from us?!

Also, never believe a woman who said she’s never experienced drama. All women were at some point preteens and teens. In sixth grade, Christina told me that my best friend Julia said I was stubborn as a mule because we couldn’t agree on what outfit to buy at Old Navy for the talent show. I didn’t talk to Christina for like three days, and we were in the same talent-show group. Do you know how hard it is to choreograph a dance to a 5ive song and not talk to one of your teammates? Did Samantha skip being a teen? Did she never try to arrange a birthday party or try to make a group PowerPoint presentation? Was Samantha a baby, and then just turned 27? Who is this bitch? I don’t like her. I don’t trust her.

Interestingly enough, my sentiments seem to be shared by EVERYONE still in Paradise. Joe is still hilariously clinging to the hope of this relationship while Tanner calls Samantha a juggler, and “instead of juggling balls, she’s juggling men.” Oh, she’s juggling balls, alright.

After Samantha tells Justin that she’s not interested in going on a date with him, Justin asks out Amber. Sigh, who wouldn’t want to be a man’s second choice? Amber agrees only to make Dan jealous because that’s a plan that has always worked and will continue to work. A few people take very high-school approaches to this week’s machinations. Amber goes on a date to make another guy jealous. Dan tells a girl that the guy she likes is a scumbag so she’ll realize how great Dan actually is and fall in love with him. Ashley I. handwrites a letter about her emotions. Surprisingly, Dan and Ashley I. get what they want.

The new arrival this week is a sot named Chris B. who has been on damn near every iteration of The Bachelor franchise. Apparently, he’s a legend. I’m sorry, but do you become a legend for being really bad and never finding love on a Bachelor spinoff show? This guy is majorly sad. He gets bombed and asks out Tenley, and then … walks into the jungle and never comes back when she turns him down. Did I miss something, because it really seemed like he just disappeared into the trees. Oh, well. Nice knowing you, dude. Joshua takes Chris’s date card and takes Tenley on a date to a Guadalajara market and haute-cuisine restaurant.

How much did the Guadalajara Board of Tourism pay for all these dates? Damn. There is some guy in the Guadalajara Board of Twhoourism office that had to battle his boss to agree to fund all these dates, but who is laughing now? That’s right, José Luis is laughing now! Guadalajara Board of Tourism employee of the month!

Amber and Justin have a salsa-dancing date, and it goes pretty well, but Amber is still into Dan, and she tells him that. But Dan decides that he wants to bang Samantha and breaks things off with Amber. Whoops. Your high-school plan backfired. If only you had a bunch of evidence that that plan never works from, say, your life and the lives of others.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony.

Jared is given an SAT II Reading Comprehension Test by Ashley I. in the form of a six-page letter, single-spaced, handwritten back and front. The best shot of this episode is seeing another couple walking to get some private time and hearing Jared faintly reading Ashley’s words in the background.

Dan takes Samantha aside to tell her that Joe is a bad guy, and blah blah blah, who cares? Dan believes all the lies Samantha has spun, and at this point, if you’re dumb enough to fall for her, “What does the word drama even mean? I’ve never even heard it before” shtick, you deserve whatever heartache will soon follow. Amber decides to be into Jared because unclear. Jared is another empty vessel. He’s got great cheekbones, but that’s about it.

Also, let me say: This Rose Ceremony is the best Ashley I. has ever looked. She didn’t overdraw her lips, and she looks great. I just want her to be happy and make good choices. Romantically and cosmetically.

It’s time for the roses. Carly gives Kirk a rose. Jade gives hers to Tanner. Tenley gives hers to Joshua. Juelia gives hers to Mikey. Ashley S. imbues her rose with her mental powers and makes the rose levitate to Nick. Ashley I. gives hers to Jared, and Jared has dead eyes. Amber gives hers to Justin for no real reason.

Then Samantha is called, and the Inception soundtrack begins to play. She gives her rose to … DAN! Because Dan “deserves to find love,” and she hugs him with her noodle arms.

Joe somehow is allowed to confront Samantha, and he wants to know why she did what she did? “When your feelings are that strong, they don’t change in an hour.” Well, when you’re dealing with a sea witch disguised as a human, anything is possible. Samantha continues to deny any wrongdoing and has trouble even pronouncing the word drama because it’s just one of those words she’s seen written but never actually said out loud. The rest of the group confronts Samantha and asks how many men she communicated with before the season, and if she ever communicated with Dan. Dan stands a little too quietly.

Samantha rushes off, and Dan comforts her. And so it begins …

As Joe drives off in the loser limo, he shows the text messages from Samantha. YOU SHOWED THEM TOO LATE TO HAVE ANY EFFECT, JOE. He also says, “Damn it, I should have fucked her brains out,” as he drives away. Stay classy, Joe.

When they get ready to turn in for the night, Chelsea has arrived from Juan Pablo’s season, and no one has any energy for this perky bitch. Carly decides to shake things up and get Samantha eliminated by pushing Chelsea to ask Dan out.

We’ll find out what happens tomorrow.

Oh, for the commenter who said they get didn’t the word bangestant and didn’t know if it was supposed to be funny, here’s what I have to say to you:

Bangtestant Bangtestant Bangtestant Bangtestant Bangtestant Bangtestant BANGTESTANT

Guys. Nicki Minaj didn’t take any shit last night, and NEITHER AM I!

I’m drunk on power. Also red wine. Miley, what’s good!