Advertising Email Subject Lines Written by Someone Who Accidentally Hit a Drifter While Driving Home the Other Night, by Dan Rozier

By

“Look out! 50% off the sundress of your dreams.”

“Jeans that break all the rules, laws, and two or three ordinances.”

“EXCLUSIVE ONE DAY ONLY: These savings will be our huge secret.”

“Hurry! These tops will go fast! But not that fast, like, 15 mph over the speed limit.”

“What do these purses and Happy Hour have in common? It turns out they’re both a big deal.”

“Is it just us or did striped tank tops come outta nowhere? Order now, ship for free!”

“Dress for success, to say a few words over a hole in a field, or at a manslaughter trial!”

“What does it all mean? It means it’s officially summertime, ya’ll!”

“Savings worth screaming about in the middle of the night!”

“A blowout clearance sale, but for your memory.”

“What’s the point? Flirty sunglasses, that’s what.”

“To-cool-for-school totes, and a quick survey about God.”

“We’re all just polka dots on an infinite cotton tee—only $15 per 3-pack.”

“Be the life of the party or the death of a complete stranger. Either way: boots.”

“Scream into a pillow until you pass out and save $5 on bedding.”

“Click here. Or here. I can do this all day. Buy some cluster earrings, you monsters. See? I’m fine.”

Dan Rozier is a writer in Ohio. He tweets at barf_city.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit your work for consideration, send it here.