For all of the remaining simmering hatred for Samantha, she didn’t have any drama this episode, but, I mean, drama never follows her around. We hear about how much Dan likes her and how much they have in common. They both like … snacks. There was one moment in this episode that made me completely hate Samantha more than I already did. Dan asked her if her mom would make Indian food (I guess Samantha’s mom is Indian), and Samantha answers that she would just eat white rice. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, BITCH? You had access to delicious Indian food in your home, and all you ate was white rice? What? WHAT? Ugh. You’re the worst.
All the other bangtestants start a goodwill campaign to get Chelsie to pick Dan for her date card so that Samantha can be eliminated. Even Jared wants Dan to dump Samantha. JARED, the man who keeps giving Ashley I. a rose for no real reason. Carly launches a charm offensive on Chelsie and pushes her right toward Dan. Unfortunately, Chelsie asks Nick to go on her date, and he’s excited to go on the date. Part of the reason Nick is so excited to be asked to go on a date is to get away from Ashley S. Excuse me? Excuse me? You do not get away from Ashley S. because she is all things and nothing. Nick interrupts her during her morning routine, where she cleanses her body to receive the spirit of the parrots. How dare he interrupt Ashley S., high priestess, to tell her that he’s not interested in dating her anymore? Be gone, Nick. Be gone, and pray that the birds and the crabs and the pomegranates don’t come to your door and pluck your eyes out.
Nick and Chelsie evade the wrath of Ashley S., and the two of them ride around on a yacht all afternoon, and it takes me several tries to spell yacht correctly. (Yatcht? Yahct? Yahtzee? Yeah, that last one looks right.)
It’s getting stressful for everyone because there isn’t much time left. It’s time to lock all these relationships down. Carly and Kirk are still going strong. Thirteenly and Joshua are deep in the throes of passion. Tanner and Jade are mysteriously absent this episode … Hmmm …
There’s another new arrival: Mackenzie, from Chris’s season. Ashley I. describes her as “the really sweet young mom who loves aliens.” How is that a way to describe someone? Has anyone else noticed that when the women have the roses, there’s maybe only one or two extra guys, but when the guys have the roses, the producers send in all the bitches? It’s like someone picked up a Forever 21 and shook it out over the resort.
Ashley I. and Mackenzie gush over Jared and say he looks like Ashton Kutcher meets Joe Jonas. Uh … what? Jared looks like if Wes Bentley were in the chess club. He looks like Jeff Gordon drank the Boss Sauce that made Stefan Urquelle. He looks like the actor hired to play Ron Livingston in the VH1 movie about his life. He’s no Ashton Kutcher + Joe Jonas.
Mackenzie decides to go out with Justin because he’s hot and has a kid. I mean, that’s not a bad reason to go out with someone. They’re just talking about their children and— HOLD UP. MACKENZIE’S SON’S NAME IS KALE, LIKE THE VEGETABLE. We’ve reached peak white nonsense, everyone. A boy named Kale is one of the Four Horsemen of the White Apocalypse. The streets will run with Pumpkin Spice Lattes when the day of reckoning is upon us.
Justin and Mackenzie go on the “Isn’t Mexico Weird?” date. Mackenzie doesn’t seem to know that there’s a difference between Mexican and Spanish when it comes to people. Some sort of priest leads them through some sort of ritual. It’s really unclear if it’s a legit ritual in a belief system of an indigenous group, or if an ABC executive paid a resort employee to put on some traditional clothing and make up a ceremony. I don’t want to assume it was fake because I don’t know anything about Mexican marriage traditions … but that shit looked fake. All it did was provide opportunities for Justin and Mackenzie to talk about how weird Mexico is! No, thanks. The two ended up married at the end of this undefined ritual, and Mackenzie asked if her and Justin’s children would be Mexican. Homegirl's dumb. Real dumb.
Meanwhile, back at the resort, another female bangtestant shows up. She arrives by shouting, “HI, BITCHES.” Neither I nor the bangtestants are here for her. I’m over Jaclyn. I could not be more over her. This Kim Zolciak Biermann–looking, romper-wearing nightmare says she’s here to disrupt the peace and break up some relationships. YAWN. She asks the women to give her a rundown of who is there, and she doesn’t listen to anything they say: “Ashley I. is clearly invested in Jared, and I don’t care.” Then why ask?
This Don’t be Tardy for the Party stunt double focuses her attention on Jared, and Jared is into it? What? He says she’s a spitfire, fun-loving and energetic. I guess Jared is such an empty vessel of personality that any woman with a personality, even if that personality is just Wendy Williams with a bob, is interesting to him. Jaclyn half-asks Jared if he would accept her date card.
Ashley I. decides that this will not stand, and rushes off to find Host Chris and asks if she can have a date card for her and Jared that ends in a Fantasy Suite. Y’know what always totally works out? Losing your virginity to a guy to make him stay in a relationship with you. Is Ashley I. living in some turn-of-the-century romance novel? Giving up her maidenhead to win the favors of the charming oyster boy?
So, which will it be: the date card or the V-card? After the world’s longest pause, Jared accepts the V-card … er, Ashley I.’s date card, and ABC producers officially become pimps. Ashley I. goes to her makeup trunk to get ready and contours her vagina so it’s camera-ready. Let me just say, guys who are super into taking people’s virginities are weird. I met a guy when I was in high school at a slam-poetry tournament, and we exchanged numbers. We were both 16. He told me he really wanted to take my virginity and would just start having phone sex while I would sit silent and be like, “Ummm … sure?” Then his baby mama got my phone number and started calling me and saying she was going to beat me up. Her name was Tiny. No. The guy was NOT T.I.
I just started writing what Ashley I. was saying about potentially (Oh my God. I forgot. Jaclyn used the word “potensh” as a cute, fun way to shorten potential. I hate her.) losing her virginity because the melodrama just kept coming.
“I’M SO HAPPY AND ALSO REALLY NERVOUS. THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.”
“EVEN THOUGH I’M A VIRGIN, I THINK IT’S OKAY TO GO TO A FANTASY SUITE.”
“I’M FINE DOING STUFF WITH JARED.”
Sweetie. If you call sex “stuff,” you’re not allowed to have it.