Scandal Recap: Everything’s Moving Too Fast

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Olivia and the Queen. Photo: Nicole Wilder/ABC
Scandal
Show
Scandal
Episode Title
Heavy Is the Head
Season
5
Episode
1
Editor’s Rating
3/5

I just have a quick question. Do you think Mellie spent several days putting IcyHot on her scalp to dull and relax away the pain of pretty much everyone in the White House snatching her wig? I mean, Liz, Fitz, and Cyrus all took their turns telling her that she's more worthless than a Steven Seagal DVD in the $5 bin at Walmart. But still, like the great Maya Angelou poem goes, she rose, and by the end of episode, she set into motion her revenge plan (at least I think it's her plan). But before I go any further, #Gladiators, let me introduce myself.

My name is Phoebe, and for those of you who aren't aware, I'll be recapping Scandal this season. Here's all you need to know about me: I like cheesecake, I hate doing push-ups, and if you read my breakdown of last season's Scandal, then you already know that I am "captain of #TeamJake and treasurer of #FitzAintS**t," which is a phrase that I will make sure ends up as the opening line in my NYT obituary. Nice to meet, y'all. Let's buckle in because we have TONS to discuss when it comes to last night's premiere, "Heavy Is the Head." Let's go!

At this point, it's fair to say that Sally Langston is a one-woman political and self-righteous version of TMZ. She's always sharing gossip that's been deep-fried in indignation. What's on the agenda tonight? She’s mad that Fitz and his staff are spending My Super Sweet 16 money on a fancy White House dinner for the visiting Royal Family of Caledonia (the Queen, along with Princess Emily and Prince Richard) in hopes that they will let him build a U.S. naval base on Caledonian soil. Erm. Dur! Sally, that's what politics is, girl! It is nothing but a bunch of people giving each other popcorn shrimp and watercress sammiches in exchange for land/power/money. I don't see the problem here, and apparently, neither do Olitz, because they are too busy having TV sex, a.k.a. Olivia is orgasming nonstop, no matter how little Fitz is moving. Word to all the dudes out there watching this: Women do not O just because you put your brigole in her vajeen and leave it there like I do a gas-pump nozzle in my car's gas tank. So get to moving! THANK YOU!

Olitz head to the State dinner, though not together, and I'm wondering where Mellie is. At home, curling her hair and watching reruns of Designing Women? Nope. She has her assistant on the phone with Abby, begging to be allowed to attend the dinner. That ain't happening because the White House told the press Mellie stayed home with the flu. Ouch. 

The State dinner is pretty uneventful. The Queen of Caledonia lets Fitz know she needs more time to think about the naval base, Olivia strangely lies to Abby about seeing Fitz again, and Abby has a bizarre monologue about how it's cool to be a princess because you can wear diamonds all day. Um, that is something a 5-year-old says, not a grown-ass woman who has a life. The dinner ends, everyone leaves, and Princess Emily and her motorcade crash and she ends up dying. Cut to me like:

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This is a straight-up Princess Diana story line, and even though it's a little weird, I'm sure there will be a nice Shonda Rhimes twist to it. Anyway, Liv shows up to the scene of the accident and wastes her perfectly stunning coat by using it to cover Emily's body. This is why you always carry Rite-Aid-brand Kleenex in your pocket, Liv! Thankfully, Liv gets another coat and then arrives at the Royal Family's hotel, which officially has me thinking that the real reason Liv won't move out of her apartment even though she gets kidnapped from there every other week is that her crib is actually the main warehouse for Burlington Coat Factory.

Prince Richard seems a little shady. It might be too obvious that he would be behind the crash, no? Only time will tell. He and the Queen don't want paparazzi photos of Emily's dead body ending up in the newspapers, so it's up to Liv and Quinn — I guess Liv didn't want to hire any more employees? — to stop that from happening. This being Scandal, they stop it in five minutes, and instead, the photo that makes the newspaper is of Richard looking at his dead wife at the morgue. Awkward.edu.

Quinn eventually figures out by looking at surveillance photos that the crash was intentional, so Liv goes to David Rosen and is like, "Can you do your job, and by that I mean do me a special favor that is so not your job and investigate this crash?" He goes, "Nah, B." Liv responds, "But I got you Manischewitz wine that one time." He goes, "But I'm not Jewish." "Oh," she says. And then they stare at each other until the credits roll. I kid, I kid! Liv gets her Pope on and decides she's going to handle it and figure out what the hell happened.

Well, folks, it turns out this Princess Diana story is actually the Princess Diana story (the Pharrell remix) because ole girl Emily was getting down with her bodyguard. Okay, so it is looking like it might be Prince Richard after all, but honestly, I don't care all that much about this murder because there is only one thing on my mind:

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I'm seriously wondering what he's doing. Applying Burt's Bees to his lips so they stay moisturized for Liv? Volunteering at a black hair salon so he can learn how to braid black-girl hair before he and Liv go half on a baby? Where is he?! We'll find out in a little bit, so in the meantime, I should at least finish this Royal Family mess real quick.

Okay, so Princess Emily was not only banging her bodyguard, she got pregnant with his child. Both of them are fools, and I'm not the only one who thinks so! So does the Queen. When Liv confronts her about what happened to Emily, the Queen basically says that Em is a goofy heaux who had one job: to have a child to carry on the royal bloodline. Emily didn't do it, so the Queen had her assassinated. Next, the Queens tells Liv that ain't a thing going to happen to her because she's a boss, and also there's some legal mumbo-jumbo where she has immunity. Liv goes home to lie beautifully on her couch for two minutes before coming up with the excellent idea to tell Prince Richard the truth. She does, and he forces his mother to abdicate the crown. That was easy!

With this story wrapped up like a Mother's Day present, let's talk about Mellie. Basically, she is living her worst life because Liz is trying to help her get back in Fitz's good graces, Fitz pretty much refuses to come to any of her political events even though she irons and presses her Talbots dress and pantsuits on the regular to go to his presidential events, and Fitz is practically making out with Liv all over the place. Say it with me, #Gladiators: Fitz. Ain't. Shit. Seriously, he's a bad father, a notorious cheater, and he wasn't going to attending Mellie's swearing-in ceremony until Liv told him how trifling that would be. Ay-yi-yi. Just when it seems like he redeems himself a little, he ruins everything. Mellie takes a chance to try to repair their relationship and says she wants to be together, and Fitz is like, "Cool. Cool. Here are these divorce papers. Can you sign them and then grab all your Oil of Olay facial wash and get the hell out my house?" I mean, c'mon! Why did Fitz serve Mellie divorce papers on that day, the day that is the best moment of of her political career thus far? She should've dragged his ass by the 17 eyebrow hairs that are left on his head. Unfortunately, she did not.

Instead, she went to Cyrus and asked him to work on her staff with the incentive that they'll eventually be on top again when she becomes president. Cy tells her he's too busy not watching his adopted daughter and makes her skip rocks. Meanwhile, Fitz is happily letting Liv know that he's divorcing Mellie. Cut to Liv's reaction:

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Liv thinks this is all happening too fast (LOLZ, they've been having an affair for over five years, but okay) and that they need keep boning in secret until they can figure out how to be together in public. If any of you readers out there have Iyanla Vanzant's cell, pager, or fax number, please send that info to Liv because girl don't love herself. She's just gonna stay a side piece until it's the perfect time to come out? Guess what? There is no perfect time for a mistress to come out the shadows! This line of reasoning is super-duper dumb, and at this point, I'm done with Olitz and, to be honest, I don't think she deserves Jake. Yeah, I said it.

Speaking of Jake, we finally see right him before the episode ends! Huck, who, earlier in the episode, begged Liv to fix him because he's broken, goes to Jake for help. We only see Jake for a hot second, but it's enough to make me happy.

But nothing made me happier in this episode than the end. Someone (again, I think it was Mellie) leaked surveillance pictures of Olitz making out all over the White House to Sally, and she, of course, airs the photos on her show and then skewers Fitz for cheating. All I can do is laugh at Olitz being stunned that their secret affair got revealed, and then give Mellie a standing ovation and update my will so that she receives all my possessions for finally sticking it to Fitz.

Alrighty, let me know what you think about last night's premiere in the comments below.