How to Get Away With Murder
Let me just start by typing this: Michaela has never had an orgasm. MICHAELA HAS NEVER (NEVER NEVER? NEVER NEVER) HAD AN ORGASM. I know this show is called How to Get Away With Murder, but it needs to be renamed Michaela, Lemme Tell You Something About Men, which is then followed by a spinoff series called Michaela, Lemme Tell You Something About Yourself. If you’re in a relationship with a dude and he refuses to go down on you, then you need to treat him like I do the weekly Living Social newsletters I got, and unsubscribe from that mess. Michaela, Lemme Tell You Something About Men. If, after a guy finishes, he stops, drops, and rolls onto his side like he’s doing a fire-safety drill for Smokey the Bear and takes his behind to sleep instead of making sure you got off as well, control-alt-delete him from your life. Michaela, Lemme Tell You Something About Yourself. You saying you never had an orgasm implies that you’ve never even given yourself one. That means no vibrators or going old-school, analog AM radio (a.k.a. your fingers). Harriet Tubman and Sojourner Truth did not struggle their whole damn lives just so you can walk Planet Earf in 2015 and be sexually frustrated with pent-up emo rage like you’re in the band Dashboard Confessional. Get it together, please. Whew. Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. Women cannot and should not be living the O-free life. Anyway, it turns out Michaela being O-free was not the only jaw-dropping thing that happened in “It’s Called the Octopus,” so let’s get into it.
We open with the same flash-forward from last week. The interns are running in the woods like it’s a Real World/Road Rules challenge, except instead trying to win $100,000 they’re running so they don’t end up in prison, getting sexed on by inmates. Next, we see Nate driving and calling Annalise, but because she’s on the ground suffering from a gunshot wound, she can’t pick up. Real talk, if she even says “Whaddup” to the afterlife for like five seconds before returning back to the world, I will straight-up cry. She must stay all the way alive if for no other reason than Eve.
Speaking of Eve, she and Annalise are emailing. It’s super cute, which makes me hopeful that this relationship has legs. But let’s table that for the moment because Annalise is busy drinking and speaking into her tape recorder about the Blasian duo’s case. Anna gets so drunk that she passes out until she’s startled awake. She investigates the basement, and it’s a mouse, so … she calls Wes to come over and take care of it. Y’all, if that doesn’t sound like the start of a porno, then feel free to slap me silly. For real, though, what teachers are calling their students to come over to their house late at night to kill a mouse in their basement? That is only some mess you do when you’ve either gotten the D, so you have that kind of relationship, OR you want the D, and this is your damsel-in-distress way of getting it. Either way, these two either need to bone or stop with all this creepy behavior once and for all. My heart really can’t take it anymore.
Meanwhile, Michaela is at the crib making out with Levi, who might be Eggs 911. I’m scared because he could be dangerous, but he’s also hot, so my vajeen is cheering her on like loved ones do American Ninja Warrior contestants. Then she’s like, “I really want you, but it’s only the third date, so you have to go.”
Michaela, what in the natural hell? You just got out of a relationship with a gay man. Live a little and dust the damn cobwebs off your crotch. SIGH. Women in their 20s are dumb. Anyway, Levi leaves, and I’m pretty much sending him Morse code to come over to my apartment. So how are the other couples in HTGAWM doing?
Well, Colliver are a day away from finally being able to have sex again, which is so cute; Bonnie and Asher are going strong; Flaurel is continuing to flirt, but Laurel keeps acting like she doesn’t want him when it’s like, “Girl, we all know you have several midterm-exam blue books filled with info on Frank, so just own up to it so you guys can date properly.” She does not. Again, women in their 20s stay acting goofy.
Next, we check in on the case of the week. A woman named Tanya throws sex parties for a living, and a guy named Dominic, who was married and had kids, died because of rough sex with Tanya. Whoa. This is so not my area of expertise, but I’m assuming if you’re going to do rough sex, then you need to have a safe word and plenty of Icy Hot on hand. Apparently, Tanya has a history of rough sex with clients, but she claims they all ask for it. So, Annalise tells her, let’s get a client of yours to testify on the witness stand. Tanya refuses at first, but she knows she can’t make it in jail, so she gives up the info.
The interns start contacting various clients. Some flat-out refuse to comply, others hit on Connor because, hello, he’s cute, and another one is like, “I had an eight-hour orgasm,” as if that’s a good thing. It’s not. EIGHT HOURS? Sex should only last like a back-to-back-to back marathon of Modern Family because Mama has things to do. Like eat Popeye’s chicken, blow my nose, not read Facebook messages, and sleep. Anyway, another client mentions a sex position called the Octopus, which I and all of America Googled and then mentally added to our arsenals. When all is said and done, none of the clients are game, but Alicia, the woman who hit on Connor, invites him to a sex party because she says her husband would be into him. Uh-oh.
Turns out two other people are also into each other. The Blasian sibling duo. A photo of them almost kissing got leaked to the press by their parents’ maid. This is all sorts of gross, so let’s just skip over this and onto to something else, like Michaela telling the other interns she never had an orgasm. Seriously, when she said this, I poured one out for her vajeen and started singing Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s “Tha Crossroads.” This is just sad. But then I perk up because she decides to go to the sex party with Connor … and Alicia hits on her! Michaela seems down, and just when they’re about to kiss, she goes, “But only if you agree to testify.” AMATEUR! You get the V and then ask for a favor. Alicia declines, and then spills some info about Tanya and Dominic, and Annalise confronts Tanya the next day.
Tanya admits she loved Dominic, so she arranged it so they would hook up during the next sex party, but shortly after she gave him some drugs to help him get high during sex, he has a heart attack and dies. Sounds pretty convincing to me, and for some reason Annalise kind of rips her to shreds for trying get Dominic to leave his wife. Annalise then kicks her out, and I guess the case is done. Except it’s not! The next day in court, Anna badges Dominic’s wife on the witness stand to create reasonable doubt, and Tanya goes free. She’s disgusted and asks Annalise how she sleeps at night. You were straight-up boning a married man on the regular, and your ungrateful ass is going to act like Annalise is wrong. You both did something trifling. Deal with it and moveon.org.
We catch up with Flaurel. They’re hanging, and it’s pretty clear they both really like each other. Heck, Frank likes her so much that it seems like he wants to fess up to what he did to Lila. Honestly, I think if he did, she might still stay by his side. Unfortunately, as this couple gets closer, another one unravels. Asher confesses that he cheated on her with some girl named Tiffany, but the way that DA Sinclair was threatening Asher about Tiffany, I’m thinking maybe he accidentally killed her in the past, but he didn’t want to admit that to Bonnie? All I know is I’m sad that Bonnie and Asher are done for the moment. The only silver lining: Bonnie and Laurel go out and bond. Laurel admits her feelings for Frank. Yay!
But back to Asher for a second. DA Sinclair has been blackmailing him for a minute. And we see that he broke into Annalise’s house and stole her tape recorder so Sinclair could listen to it. WHAT?! NO! Asher:
This is horrible, and going to come back to bite him in the ass. UGH! Damn it. Luckily, there is something that cheers me up. Levi and Michaela finally sleep together, and she gets her O! This is very exciting because we learn that Levi is Rebecca’s foster brother, and he claims that Rebecca is Eggs 911, so he’s probably not going to try and kill Michaela. This hookup also makes me nervous because sometimes, when someone hasn’t had good sex and then gets it, they get super attached. And it’s not a great look for Michaela to cling to Levi like a load of laundry does onto itself after it gets dried without a dryer sheet. So I’m going to pray on this and hope she acts like she’s been here before. We’ll just have to wait and see …
Finally, we end on Annalise visiting Nate, telling him that she misses him. UM, didn’t she just tell Eve last week that Eve is the best thing that happened to her? What the hell is going on? This doesn’t seem like a game. I think Annalise really means this. Poor Eve. Thankfully, Nate tells Annalise to go home, and he closes the door. Wes is there! OMG! The two of them are now teaming up against Annalise, thanks to Levi planting the seed in Wes’s ear that Annalise killed Rebecca. Aaaaaaaand because he didn’t beatbox on my vajeen, I’m clearheaded enough to see that Levi is probably shadier than a palm tree. DAMMIT!
We return to the flash-forward that opened the episode. Nate finds the interns in the woods and tells them to get in car. What is happening? Are all the interns in on Nate and Wes’s plan? Help!
Alrighty, was anyone else shocked to see Nate and Wes make an alliance? Let me know in the comments section below.