#Gladiators, before I begin discussing last night’s episode, I want to make a public announcement to all the real-life side pieces who watched last week’s episode and cried that Denzel-Washington-in-Glory single tear when Liv answered the question, “Are you the president’s mistress?” with a resounding, “Yes.” Please do not try this mess at home. It will not work out for you. Scandal is a Shondaland fantasy. In real life, if you go to the mountaintop and start shouting that you are some dude’s side piece, without checking with him first, he’s gonna say what my mom did back in the day when my brother and I would act up in public: “Sit your black ass down and act like you got some sense.” Even if you ain’t black, he’s going to say “black ass” just so you know how serious.com he is about your foolishness. So Side Pieces United, your options are to 1) Not be a side heaux (dur) or 2) If you’re going to be a side heaux, keep your mouth shut like a sealed Ziploc bag full of leftover Christmas ham. Okay, with that out of the way, let’s get down to “Paris Is Burning,” which is another strong episode from Shonda & Co.
We open with Mellie and Fitz giving their Über-fake interview about how their marriage is stronger than ever, even though Liv just spoke to the press about her and Fitz taking it to the bone zone, daily and nightly. #EvenWhenMellieThinksShesWinningSheStayLosing. News of Liv’s bombshell quickly makes its way through the White House, which explains why Abby’s “No, Olivia’s heifer ass didn’t just make my day a living hell,” and her “I gotta pee” walks, are the same. Abby races to the interview, removes Fitz and Mellie, and brings them to the Oval Office. Lizzie Bear, who remains useless, and Liv are also there. Abby lets Mellie know what just happened, and understandably she’s pissed. Liv is quiet, like when you know you ate the last of the Cheez-Its, and you’re like, “It’s just easier to let this chick cuss me out for thirty seconds than to defend myself.” Meanwhile, Fitz reaffirms why I put him on #FitzAintShit. He basically dismisses Mellie by telling her to “Go wait in her office and they will let her know what they decide to do.” Then he and Liv make out next to his Swingline stapler. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE. Y’all, I’ve got a pocket full of nopes and I’m sprinkling them all over Olitz like this:
This is so foul. Look, I get that Olitz are destined to be together or whatever, BUT Mellie just got her entire wig snatched by Liv confessing to the affair. And Olitz can’t even wait the length of time it takes to heat up a Hot Pocket before they start hooking up and telling Mellie to “Move, bitch, get out the way?” As Alicia Silverstone said in Clueless, “This is way harsh, Tai.”
Thankfully, Mellie’s not taking this mess lying down. She calls Cy. YAAAAAAS. Jesus has taken the wheel, pulled into a BP gas station, got some chips, and is about to back in the right direction, which is southbound on I-271. Even though, Mellie should probably just cut her losses and move on, she did give up about 20 years of her life for Fitz, and gave him three kids, so I understand why she wants to burn Fitz’s life down right now. Anyway, she has Cy negotiate for her, and, at first, she just wants to hurt Fitz by taking his summer homes and trying to ruin Liv’s reputation, but Cy tells her to think big. She says she wants to be president. LOLZ. Not going to happen, but it’s like when I told my parents I was going to grow into a C-cup from an A-cup — they did not laugh in my face; they supported my dream. Cy did the same thing to Mellie and said, “Okay, boo boo, let’s go make that happen.”
Meanwhile, the interviewer, Noah Baker, is threatening Abby to show footage of Mellie and Fitz clearly lying about their relationship to the public unless he gets an exclusive interview with Mellie and Fitz explaining just what the hell is going on. Abby has an hour to make this happen. So, she and Cy go back and forth with negotiations even though Fitz is pouting like a baby, talking about how he doesn’t need to give Mellie anything. Boy, please. Sit. The. Hell. Down. He knows doggone well that you don’t get to publicly embarrass your spouse like this and at least not try to make up for it with a gift card for a yearlong Hulu subscription. And I’m not talking about the generic Hulu subscription. I’m talking about the commercial-free one. Say it with me, y’all, #FitzAintS**t. Moving on.
Just when it seems like Mellie and Fitz are finally going to come to an agreement after some of the points have been hammered out (Liv can never take Fitz’s last name, he has to come on her campaign trail, she gets the house in Santa Barbara, etc.), Mellie decides this is not enough and won’t sign the contract. Liv is like, What does Mellie want? Uh, her husband. A-doy! Why does everyone in this episode have rocks for brains? Anyway, Mellie lashes out at Cy and says that he has lost his edge and hasn’t done enough for her. This enrages him to turn up his evil, and he goes to do his magic on Fitz. But Cy is not the only person pissed off. So is Abby.
Abby and Liv are best friends, yet Liv lied to her about starting back up with Fitz, which totally makes Abby look bad at work. My heart goes out to Ab, because when a best friend lies to you, it hurts so hard that no amount of Neosporin can help. Thankfully, by episode’s end, Liv apologizes, and she and Abby are on good terms again. I truly do think that Liv had Abby’s best interests (not forcing Abby to lie to the press) at heart, by not fessing up sooner, so I can’t stay mad at Liv either. You know who is staying mad? Mellie.
Probably because Liv is waltzing all through the White House residency like she’s shopping at Forever 21. I mean, at one point, Liv took her damn shoes off, just letting the carpet massage her toes. Are all mistresses living this No Chill life or is it just Liv? I don’t have time to find out because she bumps into Mellie who, instead of listening to Anita Baker and having a good cry, is looking for her stash of hooch, and kind of making her one last attempt to keep Fitz. Mellie gives one of her typically great drunk speeches about how everything is about Fitz, and that Liv has not truly considered how much she will have to give up to become First Lady. Oof. Liv looks like she was hit with a ton of bricks. It’s clear she didn’t think this all the way though. Liv isn’t trying give up OPA to take on her First Lady duties, which include brushing Fitz’s eyebrow hairs every morning. So she confronts Fitz.
Olitz have another one of their heated discussions that gets really real, which is also funny to me. Why? Because Olivia basically asks him what I’ve been asking for the past three seasons: “Do you ever think about what I’m giving up?” And Fitz was like:
Girl, when you gonna learn that Fitz. Ain’t. S**t? If you ain’t Bending it Like Beckham over his desk so he can hit it from the back, this man is not giving a damn about how this trifling-ass relationship is affecting you. This is why Liv needs black friends. These goofy-ass white people are just like aiding and abetting this bull. Don’t believe me? Let’s talk about Jake. Liv practically put his heart in a meat grinder and used it as the filling for some homemade ravioli, and he’s STILL talking to her on the phone, figuratively wiping her tears, and being all besties with her. NO. When your ex comes calling you, talking about how she thinks she made a mistake with her plan to go public about her status as a mistress to another man, you hang up the phone, and take a selfie of you doing this:
Send it to the ex-bae, then upload your Tinder profile and wait for all the women to swipe right. I mean, Jake’s acting like he has NOOOOOOO other options. Boy, you are fine, your lips are soft yet firm like a Serta mattress from Sleepy’s, and you have a big heart. Delete Liv’s number from your phone. But he’s not the only goofy white friend right now. Even Abby is just like, “I can’t believe you lied to me,” and never once told Liv to close her legs to married men. If Liv had even ONE black friend, they would be like, “When you gonna realize that being dickmatized a.k.a hypnotized by the D is not cute once you over the age of 23? Do not waste your college degree and collection of Palmer’s cocoa butter on loving and building up an unavailable man.” Instead, Liv is stuck with a bunch of nincompoops who cosign her tomfoolery like it’s a bank loan.
Back to the ballad of “Mellie Trying to Take Everything From Fitz Including the Carbon Dioxide That Leaves His Body When He Exhales.” Fitz appears to give Mellie a sincere apology and acknowledge all the sacrifices she’s made for him. Even though this is partially motivated to get her to do the interview, it’s also clear that he really does realize how indebted he is to her. Nice. So Mellie agrees to do the interview, and let’s count that as another win for Cy! He is certainly pleased with the way he put out the fires on this situation, so he straight up begs Fitz for his job back. Fitz shoots him down extra hard, which is a HUGE mistake. Fitz knows Cy is crazy as hell. So Cy goes back to Mellie and tells her that Fitz played her like a game of Tetris. She then backs out of the interview, and she and Cy leave the White House. Oh dear. It is not a good idea for the two of them to team up against Fitz. Fitz really messed up with this.
So the interview is not happening. The only recourse left is for Abby to drag Liv’s name through the mud in order to save Fitz’s presidency. Fitz doesn’t want Liv to do this, but Liv says she’s doing this for them. They cuddle on the couch; I roll my eyes because this is a horrible idea and will not end well, but they’re in love, and people do dumb stuff when in love. Oh well.
Thankfully, there is someone else rolling their eyes over Olitz. It’s Rowan! He’s watching Abby’s press conference from jail. That’s when Jake comes to visit him and tell him the Louvre is on fire. O … kay. Why is Jake here, and why the hell is this museum on fire? Is it because of Rowan? Is it Mama Pope? I need answers!
Alrighty, anyone have any idea what’s going on with Rowan and Jake? If so, let me know in the comment section.